Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay at home?

76 replies

crisscross87 · 15/04/2023 09:14

DH has been in a foul mood with me all week for no apparent reason. I've tried to talk to him ("nothings wrong, stop asking") and booked us a night out to have dinner/watch a film last night (got the silent treatment).

Today is a relative's (his side- not a parent) 80th birthday and there's a big family party. AIBU to say I'm not going and he can take the kids on his own. I am stand another day of being on edge wondering what I've done wrong!

OP posts:
BellaJuno · 15/04/2023 12:49

Good for you OP, don’t let him try to win you over at the last minute so you repent and come.

GabriellaMontez · 15/04/2023 12:49

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 12:44

I wouldn't drag the extended family into it. That's manipulative as well.

Show quote history

It's honest. The OP doesn't need to suffer in silence while he emotionally abuses her. Why should she cover for him?

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 13:13

@GabriellaMontez

It's not a matter of covering for him. She has legitimate issues with her DH and she should raise them with him directly. Bad mouthing him to his family is not helpful and awkward for the family- what are they meant to do with that information?

If they ask why she wasn't there she could say she had a rough week and was too tired for a party. It's not covering, it's just not drawing people into a marital spat.

I hate it when couples argue in front of me, or want me to take sides when I am friends with both. If my SIL had an issue with my brother I'd be torn between wanting to support her but being loyal to my brother and not wanting to take her word against his. Likewise if I'd behaved like a twat and my DH retaliated by smearing me to my family it wouldn't help that issue one bit and it would create a new issue.

Ktime · 15/04/2023 13:16

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 12:44

I wouldn't drag the extended family into it. That's manipulative as well.

Show quote history

Manipulative to who?

You do realise stone walling / silent treatment is a classic sign of emotional abuse?

But by all means, let’s protect this man and his reputation 🙄

Ktime · 15/04/2023 13:17

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 13:13

@GabriellaMontez

It's not a matter of covering for him. She has legitimate issues with her DH and she should raise them with him directly. Bad mouthing him to his family is not helpful and awkward for the family- what are they meant to do with that information?

If they ask why she wasn't there she could say she had a rough week and was too tired for a party. It's not covering, it's just not drawing people into a marital spat.

I hate it when couples argue in front of me, or want me to take sides when I am friends with both. If my SIL had an issue with my brother I'd be torn between wanting to support her but being loyal to my brother and not wanting to take her word against his. Likewise if I'd behaved like a twat and my DH retaliated by smearing me to my family it wouldn't help that issue one bit and it would create a new issue.

Lying about his behaviour IS covering for him!

Telling someone honestly why you didn’t attend if they ask is not asking them to take sides.

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 13:19

@Ktime

Likewise, setting out to damage someone's reputation can be a form of emotional abuse.

I agree the stonewalling and silent treatment is appalling, but practically- what good would it do to complain to his family about it?

GabriellaMontez · 15/04/2023 13:20

@SkyandSurf
She doesn't need to bad mouth him, call him names or ask anyone to take sides.

But if asked she can let them know he hasn't spoken to her all week, she has no idea why and she doesn't want to be in his company.

Making up stories about being too tired is absolutely covering for him.

This isn't an argument or spat they're working through. He has ignored her all week. That is a form of abuse.

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 13:21

@Ktime it's not lying to say she had a bad week and didn't feel up to it.

How much detail do you think is appropriate to go into? Honestly if her MIL rings up and says 'so sorry not to see you at the party, I hope you're well?'

What do you think OP should say?

GabriellaMontez · 15/04/2023 13:23

what good would it do to complain to his family about it?

Would you say that if he'd hit her?

And I'm not suggesting she 'complains' to his family. Just explain honestly why she's not there. Perhaps his brothers could have an honest chat with him. Maybe it would help.

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 13:23

@GabriellaMontez

He hasn't literally ignored her and not spoken to her all week. If you read the OP she quotes him speaking to her.

I read it as more he was being sullen and not talkative- which is shitty in itself- but it's not on the level of literally ignoring someone all week.

Dilemma19 · 15/04/2023 13:24

The fact that he hasn't said anything again proves he's doing this deliberately. It's a form of abuse. You don't need to sit around waiting for him to finally talk to you.

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 13:26

GabriellaMontez · 15/04/2023 13:23

what good would it do to complain to his family about it?

Would you say that if he'd hit her?

And I'm not suggesting she 'complains' to his family. Just explain honestly why she's not there. Perhaps his brothers could have an honest chat with him. Maybe it would help.

No I wouldn't say that if he hit her.

But abuse is a spectrum - being in a shitty mood and not wanting to talk about it for a week is a long way from hitting someone.

If she was seeking help from the brothers then that's a totally different motivation than the vibe I got from PPs saying 'make sure you tell his family why you weren't there' which felt more like trying to embarrass or punish DH.

GabriellaMontez · 15/04/2023 13:27

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 13:23

@GabriellaMontez

He hasn't literally ignored her and not spoken to her all week. If you read the OP she quotes him speaking to her.

I read it as more he was being sullen and not talkative- which is shitty in itself- but it's not on the level of literally ignoring someone all week.

Her op refers to the 'silent treatment' and later a 'silent' cup of tea.

What more do you want?

Ktime · 15/04/2023 13:28

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 13:19

@Ktime

Likewise, setting out to damage someone's reputation can be a form of emotional abuse.

I agree the stonewalling and silent treatment is appalling, but practically- what good would it do to complain to his family about it?

She wouldn’t be setting out to destroy his reputation.

This guilt tripping of women to bottle things up is what leads women to staying with abusive men.

More men may rethink the abuse they inflict if women weren’t encouraged by people like you in society to cover for their abuse.

Ktime · 15/04/2023 13:29

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 13:21

@Ktime it's not lying to say she had a bad week and didn't feel up to it.

How much detail do you think is appropriate to go into? Honestly if her MIL rings up and says 'so sorry not to see you at the party, I hope you're well?'

What do you think OP should say?

She should say DH was giving her the silent treatment.

I don’t know why you expect her to say anything else and obfuscate?

I wonder if you have any idea how toxic your advice is?

Jagoda · 15/04/2023 13:30

I would spend this time thinking about whether I really wanted to stay in this relationship.

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 13:30

@GabriellaMontez

In the OP she says she asked him what was wrong and he said 'nothing stop asking'

So not silent, he spoke.

In the last of the four updates OP wrote that DH asked her why she wasn't going to the party. Again, speaking.

He didn't speak when he gave her tea. But he hasn't been dead silent and ignoring her all well.

I am not defending him at all. It sounds like he has been a sullen, sulky, moody bastard and I'd be sick to death of him as well. But it's not like he is literally icing her out like she isn't there and hasn't said a word, which is much more demeaning.

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 13:36

@Ktime there is bottling things up and there is knowing where a healthy source of support might be.

I'm guessing not his family.

She should talk to people she trusts, who are on her side in a way that will be supportive and productive to her.

For all we know she will get more gaslighting bullshit from his family, who of everyone in the world are the most likely to take his side and try to make OP think she is the problem - or that there is no problem. They'll see him ladding about and laughing with his brothers and don't see what OP has seen at home.

I'm sorry you feel my advice is toxic, but I'm afraid I find yours quite naive.

Ktime · 15/04/2023 13:37

@GabriellaMontez i don’t think you realise how bad silent treatment is.

Him saying ‘nothing stop asking’ is not him talking to OP, it’s him trying to act innocent of giving her silent treatment.

Silent treatment necessarily doesn’t mean absolute and total silence.

And he only brought her a cup of tea after she told him she wasn’t going and why. As soon as it started to impact him (OP not going means he can’t drink with his brothers), that’s when he made a token gesture.

Ktime · 15/04/2023 13:41

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 13:36

@Ktime there is bottling things up and there is knowing where a healthy source of support might be.

I'm guessing not his family.

She should talk to people she trusts, who are on her side in a way that will be supportive and productive to her.

For all we know she will get more gaslighting bullshit from his family, who of everyone in the world are the most likely to take his side and try to make OP think she is the problem - or that there is no problem. They'll see him ladding about and laughing with his brothers and don't see what OP has seen at home.

I'm sorry you feel my advice is toxic, but I'm afraid I find yours quite naive.

For all we know, his family could take him aside and tell him to get a grip and not act like a child.

Your acting as if people are suggesting OP do a character assassination on him. All people have said if someone asks why she didn’t go, to tell the truth.

You seem overly concerned that telling the truth will hurt his feelings.

Ktime · 15/04/2023 13:41

Ktime · 15/04/2023 13:37

@GabriellaMontez i don’t think you realise how bad silent treatment is.

Him saying ‘nothing stop asking’ is not him talking to OP, it’s him trying to act innocent of giving her silent treatment.

Silent treatment necessarily doesn’t mean absolute and total silence.

And he only brought her a cup of tea after she told him she wasn’t going and why. As soon as it started to impact him (OP not going means he can’t drink with his brothers), that’s when he made a token gesture.

Sorry this was to @SkyandSurf

GabriellaMontez · 15/04/2023 13:59

@SkyandSurf
You are absolutely defending him.

Minimising his behaviour.

Suggesting the OP lie tp his family 'too tired' to party.

Tryjng to pass this off as a 'spat'.

Worried he'll be 'embarrassed'. Would that be a bad thing? If he felt ashamed of his behaviour?

You even mention damage to his reputation. Wtf?

turtlemurtle1982 · 15/04/2023 14:15

Well done.
Out of interest what did you both tell the kids was the reason?

emptythelitterbox · 15/04/2023 14:45

I'm glad you told him and are staying home. I hope you have a lovely peaceful day!

Silent treatment and sulking to get his way is abusive. He'll have everyone on eggshells.

As others have said, completely ignore his silent treatment and sulking from now on.
You can say, I see you're sulking silent treatment like a toddler. That doesn't work on me anymore.

Then go on about your day as you have planned and not give a thought to his sullen moods.

It's hard to do, but when it doesn't give them the results they'll stop.

It's up to you, but I would bring it out in the open to his parents too. Casually mention sulking and silent treatment that sometimes it's hard to tell if he's 3 or 35 at times followed by a tinkly laugh.

Itakecreaminmycoffee · 15/04/2023 14:51

You are asking on an Internet forum whether it’s ok to not want to go to a party with your sulking twat of a dh who’s been ignoring you all week?

It actually worrying that you might think there’s any chance yabu - I’m guessing you are subjected to this treatment often? I wouldn’t put up with that, no way. Ltb.