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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for a school trip

52 replies

HowlongdoIwait · 14/04/2023 21:33

My ex pays child maintenance in line with the CMO recommendations.

My DD has recently asked to go on a school trip which is several hundred pounds.

I have asked my ex for a contribution towards this as a one off, but he says he pays more than enough and won't make any further contribution to anything ever.

The only way he will help towards the school trip is if I cancel the CMO case and allow him to pay less money on a monthly basis.

Am I being unreasonable to think he should actually do both.

He has an extremely good job and a good amount of disposable income otherwise I wouldn't ask.

Every time I speak to him about money it turns into a huge argument and he calls me all number of names so I'd really like outside opinions as to whether I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
OhMyCherriePie · 14/04/2023 21:34

Doesn’t matter he legally only has to pay child maintenance

HughGrantsHair · 14/04/2023 21:37

Morally, YANBU, and he should want to contribute to his child's trip (the CMO amount is the minimum).

But legally there isn't anything you can do. He can't be made to pay more.

Original poster
HowlongdoIwait · 14/04/2023 21:39

OhMyCherriePie · 14/04/2023 21:34

Doesn’t matter he legally only has to pay child maintenance

Sorry, should have said, I am fully aware that he legally only has to pay CMO rates but I'm looking to see what's the norm.

Surely if he was a decent father and can afford to contribute, why would he not if it's the difference between her being able to go or not?

OP posts:
AnotherDelphinium · 14/04/2023 21:41

Offer to your DC that you’ll pay half, and they need to speak to their other parent for the other half. You don’t get involved.

OhMyCherriePie · 14/04/2023 21:42

I don’t know I think the norm is to only pay maintenance tbh 🤷‍♀️ I don’t even get that so could be worse. I would never ask my ex for money personally especially if he is paying maintenance. You can ask but not expect

BCBird · 14/04/2023 21:51

My brother paid CM for his son. If his ex mentioned his din needed something he would buy it. He could afford it,so why not. When he was no longer legally obliged to do this he paid him.a monthly allowance for outings etc. Has complex needs and is eligible for benefits. If your ex is unhappy giving you money I get it but this money is for his child. Miserable git

GrazingSheep · 14/04/2023 21:53

Surely if he was a decent father and can afford to contribute, why would he not if it's the difference between her being able to go or not?

Totally agree. Unfortunately for your daughter he’s not a decent father.

SmileEachDay · 14/04/2023 21:55

AnotherDelphinium · 14/04/2023 21:41

Offer to your DC that you’ll pay half, and they need to speak to their other parent for the other half. You don’t get involved.

Don’t do this. Don’t put DC in the middle 🙄

MelchiorsMistress · 14/04/2023 21:55

If he has a good job and is therefore already paying quite a large sum in child maintenance, then I’d may well be fair for him to say no to paying more money.

Without knowing how much he pays on a monthly basis, no one can say if he’s unreasonable or not.

underneaththeash · 14/04/2023 21:57

OhMyCherriePie · 14/04/2023 21:34

Doesn’t matter he legally only has to pay child maintenance

Yes, but this is an extra to normal living expenses.
if you had a child and they wanted to go on a trip and you could afford it, would you not contribute half?

OhMyCherriePie · 14/04/2023 22:00

underneaththeash · 14/04/2023 21:57

Yes, but this is an extra to normal living expenses.
if you had a child and they wanted to go on a trip and you could afford it, would you not contribute half?

Show quote history

I pay my the whole thing I don’t ask my ex for money 🤷‍♀️ unfortunately legally speaking he does not have to contribute to it

Probz · 14/04/2023 22:01

If he's on a good wage and paying what's recommended then he's potentially already paying enough.....does what he pay you fairly cover his share of your child's costs with money left over weekly?

underneaththeash · 14/04/2023 22:03

OhMyCherriePie · 14/04/2023 22:00

I pay my the whole thing I don’t ask my ex for money 🤷‍♀️ unfortunately legally speaking he does not have to contribute to it

Show quote history

I was responding to the other posters.

Original poster
HowlongdoIwait · 14/04/2023 22:03

BCBird · 14/04/2023 21:51

My brother paid CM for his son. If his ex mentioned his din needed something he would buy it. He could afford it,so why not. When he was no longer legally obliged to do this he paid him.a monthly allowance for outings etc. Has complex needs and is eligible for benefits. If your ex is unhappy giving you money I get it but this money is for his child. Miserable git

Of all the single dad's I've spoken to, this seems to be the norm which is why I thought I wasn't asking for too much

OP posts:
alyceflowers · 14/04/2023 22:06

If he was a decent father, he would want to help his daughter go on the school trip.

Original poster
HowlongdoIwait · 14/04/2023 22:07

Probz · 14/04/2023 22:01

If he's on a good wage and paying what's recommended then he's potentially already paying enough.....does what he pay you fairly cover his share of your child's costs with money left over weekly?

I think it works out at about 7% of his take home pay so not huge sums. I don't keep a record of what I spend every week and it all just goes into a pot with my contribution, but there may be weeks when there is some left over. However, there are definitely week's when it won't cover anywhere near all of DDs expenses.

OP posts:
spacechimp79 · 14/04/2023 22:07

What a dick! My ex pays maintenance and will always go halves with me on any school trips.

mondaytosunday · 14/04/2023 22:09

Yes, he should want to help his child have the best. Seems like he's forgotten that his issues with you are separate to his child. Shame.

Brotherlove · 14/04/2023 22:09

My ex pays 0...no CMS, no extras.
If my kids want anything I pay up.

Starlightstarbright1 · 14/04/2023 22:10

Tbh .. you can ask but he can say NO..

that’s the end of it.

as pp if he has a good job you may well be getting a decent amount .

my D’s gets £7 a week so would seem far more reasonable than someone getting £500 a month for example

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 14/04/2023 22:10

He's a poor excuse for a father. You're not being unreasonable.

OhMyCherriePie · 14/04/2023 22:10

Brotherlove · 14/04/2023 22:09

My ex pays 0...no CMS, no extras.
If my kids want anything I pay up.

Exactly the same for me.

PetitPorpoise · 14/04/2023 22:11

Morally reprehensible. If he and you have so much animosity between you, he could pay the school directly.

jannier · 14/04/2023 22:12

Well there's a reason why he's an ex not being a decent father seems to be part of the explanation

Original poster
HowlongdoIwait · 14/04/2023 22:12

Brotherlove · 14/04/2023 22:09

My ex pays 0...no CMS, no extras.
If my kids want anything I pay up.

Sorry to hear that. It makes me so cross that some parents think it's ok to walk away from their children and pay nothing towards their upkeep and well-being.

Your children are lucky yo have you ❤

OP posts: