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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for a school trip

52 replies

HowlongdoIwait · 14/04/2023 21:33

My ex pays child maintenance in line with the CMO recommendations.

My DD has recently asked to go on a school trip which is several hundred pounds.

I have asked my ex for a contribution towards this as a one off, but he says he pays more than enough and won't make any further contribution to anything ever.

The only way he will help towards the school trip is if I cancel the CMO case and allow him to pay less money on a monthly basis.

Am I being unreasonable to think he should actually do both.

He has an extremely good job and a good amount of disposable income otherwise I wouldn't ask.

Every time I speak to him about money it turns into a huge argument and he calls me all number of names so I'd really like outside opinions as to whether I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 14/04/2023 22:17

My dad paid a fair amount of child maintenance but agreed to always go 50/50 on the extras - school trips, clubs, etc. I can't imagine a good mother saying no to a school trip she can easily afford, nor would a decent father do that.

Womencanlift · 14/04/2023 22:17

AnotherDelphinium · 14/04/2023 21:41

Offer to your DC that you’ll pay half, and they need to speak to their other parent for the other half. You don’t get involved.

FFS don’t do this! The children should not get involved in maintenance matters. That is beyond cruel.

OP doesn’t say her old her DC is but I remember my dad talking to me about my maintenance because he wanted to side step my mum. Quite rightly my mum went absolutely ballistic at my dad and that was when I was nearly an adult.

Original poster
HowlongdoIwait · 14/04/2023 22:20

For those who asked about getting DD to ask her dad.

DD is a teenager and already know far more about maintenance than I'd like her to. Her father has openly said to her than he needs to have her a certain number of nights so he doesn't have to pay more any more!!

However, I'm not prepared to put her in the middle and will not ask her to ask him. If she chooses to or ask him for spending money that's up to her

OP posts:
Slidingdowntherainbow · 14/04/2023 22:22

CMO is usually crap so YANBU to hope he'd want to help make extracurricular activities possible for your daughter.

Shame on him.

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 14/04/2023 22:23

My ex is a pretty shitty dad in most ways but at least with this, he doesn’t even need to be asked. He pays child maintenance but if the kids tell him that I bought them a big ticket item, or even that I got them quite an expensive subscription for their hobby, he will message me to let me know he has sent half the money or whatever he can afford to contribute. It works both ways though as when he had to move at short notice, I told him to not pay child maintenance for a couple months so he would have a bit extra to sort out his move.

We don’t even have the best communication. Barely communicate above what is necessary for the kids, but he isn’t an ass about stuff.

SheilaFentiman · 14/04/2023 23:24

Yes, he should contribute. Sorry that he won’t.

Hankunamatata · 14/04/2023 23:29

Of course he should pay half school trip.

bumbledeedum · 14/04/2023 23:34

Just because one father is useless and doesn't pay any maintenance doesn't set the bar that low! Yes both parents should contribute to their child's upbringing. CM calculations are a pretty blunt instrument and shouldn't be the be all and end all of what's right.
Sorry for your daughter your ex sounds like an arse not wanting to contribute to her experiences in life.

Sometimeswinning · 14/04/2023 23:35

OhMyCherriePie · 14/04/2023 21:42

I don’t know I think the norm is to only pay maintenance tbh 🤷‍♀️ I don’t even get that so could be worse. I would never ask my ex for money personally especially if he is paying maintenance. You can ask but not expect

That is so sad. Dh and I are together. This month our ds has cost us £150. Residential, swimming club and football experience. If I was a single parent I would have to pay for all this alone? You should be annoyed your dh is not supporting you to give your child extra money. Maintenance is crap.

Biscuitandacuppa · 14/04/2023 23:44

My ex has just shelled out £140 for his half of dd’s visual stress assessment and specialist glasses. It’s an annual expense but makes a massive difference for her quality of life and education. She mentioned to him a school trip she wants to go on in year 9 (currently in year 7) and that it is £600. He said well me and your mum had better get saving up then.

He can be a massive arse and has in the past been very difficult over money but he seems to have grasped the fact that cm doesn’t cover the extras in life and refusing to pay half only hurts one person and that is his child. So no I don’t think it is unreasonable at all for him to pay.

Biscuitandacuppa · 14/04/2023 23:46

Someone I know told me her ex also gives her extra during school holidays and for clothes/shoes.

ChickenBurgers · 14/04/2023 23:49

AnotherDelphinium · 14/04/2023 21:41

Offer to your DC that you’ll pay half, and they need to speak to their other parent for the other half. You don’t get involved.

As someone whose mum got me to do this so many times, don’t. It’s fucking horrible being forced into the middle of an argument as an adult, it’s worse as a child.

OhMyCherriePie · 14/04/2023 23:50

Sometimeswinning · 14/04/2023 23:35

That is so sad. Dh and I are together. This month our ds has cost us £150. Residential, swimming club and football experience. If I was a single parent I would have to pay for all this alone? You should be annoyed your dh is not supporting you to give your child extra money. Maintenance is crap.

Show quote history

It’s my ex and he pays no maintenance and never has,
people just say not to rely on it so I don’t rely on it or expect any.

ChickenBurgers · 14/04/2023 23:52

In answer to your question though, morally if he can contribute half he should. But there’s no framework in place that can make him pay more than the minimum required. It’s sad and I get why you’re upset.

megachocs7 · 14/04/2023 23:57

My ex pays CM every month. But has also paid half of the more expensive school trips when I've asked. Any decent father should do it for their child.

Equalitea · 24/05/2023 19:39

I think it’s pretty normal that they don’t pay above what CMS says.

HermioneWeasley · 24/05/2023 19:42

He’s an awful father

TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 19:48

Well he should if he can but you have no recourse to force him unfortunately.
Can you ask his parents, DDs grandparents?
Also, if DD is old enough can she get some part time weekend/holiday work to help contribute?

changewhale · 24/05/2023 19:51

Just asked DH he days he pays maintenance and then 50% of uniform and compulsory school trips.

changewhale · 24/05/2023 19:52

So I think the key thing here is the choice. Was it a "choice but it's expected she'll go" or a choice but it's a ski trip" sort of situation

willstarttomorrow · 24/05/2023 19:57

I think you know you are not being unreasonable. I also think you know he is not going to to do any more than is expected of him. It is not right but there is nothing you can do really. I am glad you are not going to involve your DC- that would be unreasonable. It is awful that she has a parent who discusses needing a 'set number of nights' in order to minimise the cost they contribute to parenting. Keep the moral high ground- as your daughter is a teen she will soon be making her own decisions about how much time she wants to spend with her father.

changewhale · 24/05/2023 20:02

His stance to never pay for anything else ever is harsh but I can see an argument for him saying he doesn't want to pay half for her to go skiing. As I said previously it does depend on what this trip is.

dammit88 · 24/05/2023 20:04

I think it depends how much he pays in maintenance.

Beautyhoard · 24/05/2023 20:15

changewhale · 24/05/2023 19:51

Just asked DH he days he pays maintenance and then 50% of uniform and compulsory school trips.

So he won't pay for things his children would like to do?

changewhale · 24/05/2023 20:21

Beautyhoard · 24/05/2023 20:15

So he won't pay for things his children would like to do?

Show quote history

They are taken on a case by case basis. Like clubs and stuff yes he pays for half of them. But it's no quibbles straight up mum can assume he has money set aside for 50% of compulsory trips.