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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if I'm (slightly) be demoralised by DW accepting gallant gestures from other men she rejects from me ?

45 replies

NinoOxilia17 · 14/04/2023 21:16

I have a solid 9/10 relations with DW. She is 32 I am 33 and we have been married for 5 years, together for 7. She is very feminist-y, more so than the average woman and works in tertiary education.
DW doesn't let me open doors for her, give her my coat if its cold, make non PC jokes. All well and good. Only problem is I have seen her countless time indulge other men in this way. Small example: after a dinner party at friends, as we were seeing them off (small walkway to outside), said friend (bloke I like) opened and said ladies first. But she was all smiles and gestured afterwards what a thoughtful bloke he was. Said friend is gay so I let that slide. This week, I saw another friend carrying her workbag for her as they strolled towards our house (saw then as I was cleaning my car). Again I like the guy and we had a rugby chat as she went upstairs to shower. I am not obsessed with this issue, but seeing my sister's seemingly perfect marriage implode in two months, I can't help but think: does it start with such small things?
Thoughts? I am overthinking this right?

OP posts:
TrishM80 · 14/04/2023 21:19

And when she says "what a thoughtful bloke he is", do you ask her "why don't you let me do that?"

IamAlso4eels · 14/04/2023 21:23

I'd see it more as she doesn't have to live with them so can internally eye-roll and let them do their little chivalry dance because it makes them happy, kind of like watching a small child show off a "really cool" jump-spin. With you, who she does live with, she knows she doesn't have to suffer any of that bullshit so can relax.

Original poster
NinoOxilia17 · 14/04/2023 21:23

No. It wasnt as direct as that. He did so, guests left, we were cleaning up and chatting about the events of the night, and she commented, as she does, on our acquaintances. She didnt just praise him but others too. Its not the presence of the praise but the absence of the condemnation, especially when that is juxtaposed with her hostility to me doing anything like that. Its very emasculating to see her drop her feminist principles for other men. I am beginning to resent these things in her, even if I love her

OP posts:
Original poster
NinoOxilia17 · 14/04/2023 21:24

Fair point but Its emasculating when you are the only one she stands up to.

OP posts:
IamAlso4eels · 14/04/2023 21:25

Unless there is a massive backstory then I'd say you're overthinking it but, having said that, it's bothering you and in a decent marriage you should be able to tell your partner it's bothering you. Have you mentioned it to her?

QueenSmartypants · 14/04/2023 21:27

NinoOxilia17 · 14/04/2023 21:24

Fair point but Its emasculating when you are the only one she stands up to.

You're the one she feels safest to stand up to. Even us raging feminists can find men intimidating, look to avoid conflict and offensive that we would give by refusing chivalry gestures. With you, I'd say she trusts that she can be truly herself. It's a mark of esteem.

Xjshdvf · 14/04/2023 21:27

Maybe she dislikes these things in other people but doesn’t feel comfortable enough to say to them but can with you?

Original poster
NinoOxilia17 · 14/04/2023 21:30

QueenSmartypants · 14/04/2023 21:27

You're the one she feels safest to stand up to. Even us raging feminists can find men intimidating, look to avoid conflict and offensive that we would give by refusing chivalry gestures. With you, I'd say she trusts that she can be truly herself. It's a mark of esteem.

Show quote history

Good point. Maybe I am being too negative. But I do intend to mention it, just not in a way that sounds alarms. I am keen on avoiding a tempest in a teapot whilst nipping this pronto. Thanks for your input

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 14/04/2023 21:30

Because she's honest with you and merely polite with others.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 14/04/2023 21:34

NinoOxilia17 · 14/04/2023 21:24

Fair point but Its emasculating when you are the only one she stands up to.

Why do you feel emasculated if she won't let you hold a door open or she 'stands up to you'

It's an interesting choice of words which points to an inherent dynamic that you think it's masculine to open doors and to not be stood up to/not have to hear your wife's opinions

I understand you feeling frustrated if you felt your behaviour was being held to a higher standard, although as others have explained often we don't hold men we don't know well to the same standards as we don't know how they are going to react. But emasculated is an odd choice

RancidOldHag · 14/04/2023 21:40

I would be polite even to those who I thought were being condescending/sexist/misogynist. But wouldn't want to be putting up with it at home.

StaringAtTheWater · 14/04/2023 21:43

He did so, guests left, we were cleaning up and chatting about the events of the night, and she commented, as she does, on our acquaintances. She didnt just praise him but others too

So she's commenting positively about it afterwards when it's just the two of you discussing it? That is a bit odd. When is the last time you e.g. tried to hold the door for her? If you are continuing with preferences established in the early stages of your relationship, perhaps she has changed her mind since then, and she's trying drops hints for you to act differently? Probably easiest to just ask her directly about it.

QueenSmartypants · 14/04/2023 21:50

whilst nipping this pronto

What do you mean by this? Wondering what outcome you're looking for here, insisting that she stops refusing these gestures from you is not going to go down well and - to be honest - doesn't paint you in the best light.

Macmeme · 15/04/2023 12:11

From what you’ve said it sounds like, like most of us, she’s letting small things slide. People think they’re being nice, and if she tells them what she really thinks o suspect it’d go down like a lead balloon. She’s also got her work head on - we’re all. I’m sure all our work heads are different to our actual home life heads.

She’s being her honest self with you . That’s how I see it?

Ktime · 15/04/2023 12:15

Are there any other ‘gentlemanly’ acts that you do that she does appreciate?

I don’t expect or need a man to hold a door for me or give up his seat for, but I appreciate it when they do, as I would hold the door open for a man or a woman.

But if she tells you off for opening a door for her then that would make me question what else you do for her that she could do herself.

Coraline353 · 15/04/2023 12:22

Mycathatesmecuddling · 14/04/2023 21:34

Why do you feel emasculated if she won't let you hold a door open or she 'stands up to you'

It's an interesting choice of words which points to an inherent dynamic that you think it's masculine to open doors and to not be stood up to/not have to hear your wife's opinions

I understand you feeling frustrated if you felt your behaviour was being held to a higher standard, although as others have explained often we don't hold men we don't know well to the same standards as we don't know how they are going to react. But emasculated is an odd choice

Show quote history

Agree with this. Why is it important to your masculinity to hold doors open for her, when she's perfectly capable of doing it herself.

Isitisit · 15/04/2023 12:25

Is she praising him specifically for those acts or more generally and you are linking the two together in your head?

I might think someone is generally very thoughtful and considerate but also a bit old fashioned and sexist in some ways. When talking about them I’d probably focus on their positives.

It sounds like you just need to clarify with her in a non-combative way to make sure that she still feels the same way - as others have said she probably expects more from you as she trusts you more.

AgnesX · 15/04/2023 12:49

Nip what in the bud?

JulieHoney · 15/04/2023 12:52

“Nip it in the bud” and “emasculating”

Mate, give yourself a talking to. You aren’t the boss of her and she isn’t here to prop up fragile masculinity.

Curseofthenation · 15/04/2023 12:55

I feel the same as your DW and don't like my DH doing these types of things as he is my partner and we are equal. I care about how he subconsciously and consciously percieves me. I'm not to be 'looked after'.

I wouldn't be bothered by random men doing these things though as I don't give a damn if they consider me equal to them or not.

In terms of friends, I guess I don't have an opinion either way. I'm not sure I would be particularly grateful or make a point of stating that it was a kind gesture.

potatowhale · 15/04/2023 12:58

NinoOxilia17 · 14/04/2023 21:30

Good point. Maybe I am being too negative. But I do intend to mention it, just not in a way that sounds alarms. I am keen on avoiding a tempest in a teapot whilst nipping this pronto. Thanks for your input

Show quote history

Nipping what pronto?

potatowhale · 15/04/2023 12:59

JulieHoney · 15/04/2023 12:52

“Nip it in the bud” and “emasculating”

Mate, give yourself a talking to. You aren’t the boss of her and she isn’t here to prop up fragile masculinity.

Yeah I'm uncomfortable with that too

Eyesopenwideawake · 15/04/2023 13:01

Curseofthenation · 15/04/2023 12:55

I feel the same as your DW and don't like my DH doing these types of things as he is my partner and we are equal. I care about how he subconsciously and consciously percieves me. I'm not to be 'looked after'.

I wouldn't be bothered by random men doing these things though as I don't give a damn if they consider me equal to them or not.

In terms of friends, I guess I don't have an opinion either way. I'm not sure I would be particularly grateful or make a point of stating that it was a kind gesture.

Nail. On. Head.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/04/2023 13:03

You lost me at "very feminist-y, more so than the average woman" tbh.

What the fuck is "feminist-y"? And why would you feel emasculated by her choices? Do you feel that you need to perform these chivalrous acts in order to be a real man?

I am uncomfortable with the tone of your posts tbh. It sounds like you are willing to tolerate your wife's "feminist-y" behaviour as long as she applies it equally to all men, but deep down, you feel that she is being unreasonable in holding these views because you find them "emasculating" in some way. I would hate to think of my DH holding the attitudes that you have expressed on here.

Shamoo · 15/04/2023 13:03

The fact that you reference (a) being able to make none PC jokes, (b) are only ok with one of the incidents because the guy was gay, and (c) want to control your wife’s behaviour (‘nip it in the bud’ because you find it emasculating) makes me think this post isn’t real or you are a bit of a dick.