if I'm (slightly) be demoralised by DW accepting gallant gestures from other men she rejects from me ?

[NinoOxilia17]

I have a solid 9/10 relations with DW. She is 32 I am 33 and we have been married for 5 years, together for 7. She is very feminist-y, more so than the average woman and works in tertiary education.
DW doesn't let me open doors for her, give her my coat if its cold, make non PC jokes. All well and good. Only problem is I have seen her countless time indulge other men in this way. Small example: after a dinner party at friends, as we were seeing them off (small walkway to outside), said friend (bloke I like) opened and said ladies first. But she was all smiles and gestured afterwards what a thoughtful bloke he was. Said friend is gay so I let that slide. This week, I saw another friend carrying her workbag for her as they strolled towards our house (saw then as I was cleaning my car). Again I like the guy and we had a rugby chat as she went upstairs to shower. I am not obsessed with this issue, but seeing my sister's seemingly perfect marriage implode in two months, I can't help but think: does it start with such small things?
Thoughts? I am overthinking this right?

TBF there's a difference between letting one person do something but not another while saying something about preferring to do it for yourself to both and praising one person for doing something that you tell the other person off for.

Either you let people hold doors open for you and accept the courtesy or you don't, you don't tell one person off for doing it while praising another for being thoughtful enough to do it.

I can see how the double standard would be frustrating, especially if the actions are just courtesy to anyone, never mind a partner.

This. She sees you as her equal.

But did she directly say that he was thoughtful because of the door opening? Or just in general? If the former, that was your cue to say "I'd do it too given a chance!" lightly.

I'm still wondering what's gallant about sexist jokes...

Because it's a relationship she's happier to have with someone she loves, but constantly butting up against it with people that don't matter so much is tiring

Well, I'd wonder if your use of "she's quite feministy" and the fact that you find independent women emasculating mean that you are not onboard with her feminist beliefs, don't really see her as a equal, and that's why she has to firmly assert this.

Also (newsflash) women are an oppressed group so it is socially difficult to assert your rights in some situations. If your dw felt she could not stop a manager shouting at her, or felt forced to smile along with a horrible misogynistic joke in a particular setting, that does not mean it would be ok for you to treat her that way

You’re being absolutely ridiculous. Get a grip.

Did you miss the bit where OP said his DW was praising this men to him in private after the fact? Doesn't quite work with the story you've constructed.

OP find a time to have a talk with her about it. All you are going to do is get a tongue lashing on here. Just tell her that you are a bit confused by her behaviour in that she seems to be happy to be positive about other men displaying behaviour she won't tolerate in you and you are finding it unsettling. Sometimes (quite often) people are very poor at being aware of their own hypocrisy.

There’s quite a range between not opening doors and not standing for you making non pc jokes though.
I imagine the truth lies more in the latter.

Yep. And in using phrases like "quite feminist-y" and talking about feeling "emasculated"

There's a world of difference between letting something slide with a friend or acquaintance, and realising that in your everyday life you wouldn't want it in your partner.

I have friends who have acerbic (veering into bitchy) senses of humour; who are very loud and extroverted; who do the sort of performative gentlemanliness you talk about. I can appreciate those characteristics in them, but in small to medium doses. I would HATE any of those traits in DP!

I can sort-of understand why it makes you feel confused, but if you feel emasculated, I would suggest that's your issue to think through and sort out.

It's never the worst idea to actually talk these things over though. Keep it breezy, don't make it a thing, next time you see her letting someone else be chivalrous just say something like "I thought you didn't like men doing that for you".

If you support her views but are confused at the disparity in responses, why not just ask her? That's what happens in healthy relationships. Communication working constructively.

You could ask about it in a way that tells her you don't want her to lower her principles but would like to know what she's really thinking when these other guys do this and her positive comments (in private as opposed to her polite public reaction) are at odds with the expectations of you she had been clear about.

Yeh, this.

And I always wonder about the motives about a bloke posting this type of shiz on a predominantly womens site.

Maybe he just wants our opinion on this??

DW doesn't let me open doors for her, give her my coat if its cold, make non PC jokes.

Well, you shouldn’t be making the non-PC jokes, surely? And perhaps she’s usually not in fact cold when you’re coming over all Mr Chivalry and thrusting a jacket on her, or doesn’t need you insisting on going first to open a door every time?

Not making a big deal with an acquaintance about their slightly old-fashioned politeness (offer to carry a bag, opening a door) is pretty normal and polite in itself. Pointing out to your life partner that you’d prefer they treat you differently is good communication.

I'd ask her and if you're uncomfortable or unsettled with her response, then I'd quietly start looking at plan B.

either this is not real or you need to look inwards at yourself and see how sexist you come across as

Yeah, maybe.

In that case, my honest opinion is that he sounds like a sexist twat, and if his wife really is as feminist-y as he says she is, she probably won't stick around for long.

HTH

So is she commenting to you after the event when you two are cleaning up? Or commenting to the blokes? If she is commenting to you saying how lovely they were then thats seriously fucked up seeing that she tells you off for doing the same. Why didn't you ask her there and then why she liked it from them and not you?