To ask you to diagnose me?

[yuore]

(Disclosure: therapy has been tried, got nowhere. On the list for NHS therapy again now. Cannot afford private. Considering talking to anyone I know non-anonymously makes me feel like life won't be worth living.)

For 2 years, I have got into a cycle of needing to 'start fresh' in life, with the view of on a certain date starting a new version of myself and perfect life. This has become a rapid cycle.

This cycle is always the same.

1. Decide a certain date is going to be the 'new start' (and really believe this will be for the rest of my life)
2. spend a few days in a slump because I haven't 'started' yet. This will include isolating myself, not washing, having a messy house, getting behind on work, cancelling on activities, usually short of patience and 'doom scrolling'
3. then go into full 'preparation' mode where I clean my entire house, put loads of effort into my appearance, organise my whole phone, impulsive purchase things/impulsive book beauty appointments, spend time making visions (either physically writing down or mentally thinking) about my perfect life and what it'll look like (including what my personality will be)
4. start said 'perfect' life. Have something 'set me off' (usually the same day) that essentially means I've 'failed' (this can be ANYTHING, a slight thing I haven't liked about the way I've spoke, feeling like I've walked in a strange stance, thinking a thought that doesn't fit my planned vision of myself, getting slightly impatient with my DC). Decide to give up and change the date of the start of my 'perfect life' (usually between 1-10 days ahead).

And then repeat.

It's really mental to me because it has gone on so long now that it's having a HUGE effect on my life. It's almost like I live like a zombie, just numb, either in a phase of trying so hard to be 'perfect' that nothing feels authentic, in a slump so that nothing matters or desperately trying to 'prepare' for my new start that I can't even focus on anything else. It's caused to me have a lot of absence from work, a lack of memories, a lot of missed opportunities to memories, ruined social relationships, strain on my relationship... I also think it's definitely made me lose sight of who I even am as a person. I KNOW how much of an effect it's having but I just feel like I can't stop doing it. Every time I fully believe that 'this is it, this is the last time!'.

My therapy should be restarting in the next couple of months. I brought this up last time I went (which was really difficult for me to speak about) and it was very much dismissed and brushed over despite how severe the effect has been.

I've never seen anyone talk about anything similar. I don't want to speak to anyone personally about it so maybe it's a long shot but I'm seeking opinions on it. Maybe I sound really stupid and I'll get absolutely flamed, I think if I wasn't dealing with it and I read it then my first thought would be 'well, just stop' so I get it... I'm just curious.

You’re a Scorpio.

Very mild bipolar disorder.. just with the slumps and then slight highs with the motivation

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon unfortunately not that 😅

Nobody online can ‘diagnose’ you. Maybe you’re depressed. Maybe you have ADHD. Maybe you’re low on iron. Maybe you’ve gotten into a bad habit and aren’t being very disciplined. Who knows.

Cyclothymia I think its called. I'm no expert of diagnosis though.. just a thought

Possibly Bipolar, but you need to speak to a qualified doctor.

Yes speak to gp get a full set a bloods to rule out anything else including deficiencies including vit d..

I’ve posted without checking what others have said:

Borderline Personality Disorder

Maybe it's something to approach from the perspective of an internal sense of unrelenting standards and perfectionism and the resulting wound and mini depression when you inevitably 'fail' because anyone would. What you expect of yourself is entirely unrealistic, so you're stuck in a negative loop.

What would it mean to you to stop trying to have a 'perfect' life or 'perfect' you? What can you think of that would be improvement on your life but also realistic? Because at the moment you just set yourself up for failure.

I have no idea what it might be but reading that I realised I do exactly the same but never realised it!

Have you looked into self sabotaging? What does 'perfect' mean to you, and why does less than perfect feel so unacceptable that it has a catastrophic effect?

It sounds like severe perfectionism with some slightly odd idiosyncrasies. A bit like “my diet starts tomorrow” but a lot more extreme. I have a feeling mediocrity frightens you? You’re literally being paralysed by perfectionism (your perfect life).

I haven't RTFT, but my immediate thoughts were either Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder.

@Daisypod wow, you're the first person I've seen to say they relate to anything like that. Hopefully this thread helps you too?

In regard to defining my 'perfect' life as some have asked, it's an odd one as it's so vast that I almost can't even define it all... but my personality will be a really specific way and my looks will be a really specific way (neither fitting the typical definition of 'perfect'), and I'll be super productive and keep on top of all my hobbies and keep progressing academically and professionally and regain a social life and be a brilliant mum (perfect mix of stern, cool and affectionate).

My best analogy I could give to my last therapist about it is I start this perfect life (which requires me to be completely conscious of every move I make and word I say etc) but if something slips (as described before), it almost feels like putting a muddy fingerprint on a perfectly clean and new slate of glass, which gives me the feeling that everything is 'wrong' again and makes me feel the need to 'reset' everything and try again. I don't even know if my explanations make sense, it's a really hard thing to describe outside of my head (probably because I've really rarely tried).

Perfectionism which at the higher end of the spectrum can be debilitating. You’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be so perfect at everything including the perfect personality etc. in a way wrapped up with magical thinking. I work in MH, I’m not an expert but that doesn’t sound like bipolar or BPD to me.

I agree with this ⬆️
I can recommend reading The Happiness Trap, it's excellent - really helps to understand why we might have these unrelentingly high standards and gives practical, values-based tools to live a fuller, more rounded and grounded life.

what you describe sounds exactly like several people I know with ADHD ( the inattentive type). It’s often misdiagnosed as depression and other mental illnesses

I've looked into bipolar before the people suggesting it purely on the basis that my highs are perceived to be high and my lows are perceived to be lows but 1) it seems way too rapid cycling to be bipolar, 2) it seems too much 'in my own control' (eg the predictable cycle of it, the 'setting' a date where everything will be perfect from).

@Easterfunbun I can definitely see the basis in this. Almost burning myself out because of my own standards? I just feel as though if it were this simple then I'd be able to break out of the unnatural cycle of living to these set dates with the same routine coming up to them.

The detail about significant dates suggests a form of OCD.

@Thelnebriati this was something suggested in previous therapy (but not regarding this situation/context) so that's interesting.

The dates can be completely random but they have to 'feel' right. Special occasion, event, birthday etc can all make a day feel right. 5th, 10th, 15th, 20th, 25th, 1st are the prime days that become most common for me. But odd numbers take precedent in certain months and evens in others if that makes sense. I don't want to sound completely stupid - eg today wouldn't have been a date I set (14/4) because it doesn't feel right and there's nothing to tie it to. This probably does have relevance to it but there's no set rules for what dates 'sound right' or feel right when I consider them so it's a detail I tend to skip over in regard to the whole cycle.

ADHD/ASD or a combination of them.

This might sound a bit crazy but look at the podcast "A Slob Comes Clean" maybe an episode where she talks about her project mindset.

It's a podcast about how she stopped being a "slob" who left messes everywhere and became a (more) tidy person. But there's so much along the way about this kind of struggle, where you want to be different but you can't seem to sustain it, constantly chasing the perfect method and restarting and failing and then being excited about the next thing etc etc. Although it's about cleaning, I've found that it's really relateable/helpful for other things too.

I think the thing is, that it's quite recognisable for many different kinds of issues because probably it's not actually symptomatic of any specific disorder, but symptomatic of something that is common across several. Perfectionism as people have said, fear of failure. Perhaps executive dysfunction, making it difficult to make small incremental change so you feel like the only way to change things is to make a HUGE change where you overhaul everything at once.

ADHD? Borderline personality disorder?

@BertieBotts that sounds really good - I'll have a listen!