To ask you to diagnose me?

[yuore]

(Disclosure: therapy has been tried, got nowhere. On the list for NHS therapy again now. Cannot afford private. Considering talking to anyone I know non-anonymously makes me feel like life won't be worth living.)

For 2 years, I have got into a cycle of needing to 'start fresh' in life, with the view of on a certain date starting a new version of myself and perfect life. This has become a rapid cycle.

This cycle is always the same.

1. Decide a certain date is going to be the 'new start' (and really believe this will be for the rest of my life)
2. spend a few days in a slump because I haven't 'started' yet. This will include isolating myself, not washing, having a messy house, getting behind on work, cancelling on activities, usually short of patience and 'doom scrolling'
3. then go into full 'preparation' mode where I clean my entire house, put loads of effort into my appearance, organise my whole phone, impulsive purchase things/impulsive book beauty appointments, spend time making visions (either physically writing down or mentally thinking) about my perfect life and what it'll look like (including what my personality will be)
4. start said 'perfect' life. Have something 'set me off' (usually the same day) that essentially means I've 'failed' (this can be ANYTHING, a slight thing I haven't liked about the way I've spoke, feeling like I've walked in a strange stance, thinking a thought that doesn't fit my planned vision of myself, getting slightly impatient with my DC). Decide to give up and change the date of the start of my 'perfect life' (usually between 1-10 days ahead).

And then repeat.

It's really mental to me because it has gone on so long now that it's having a HUGE effect on my life. It's almost like I live like a zombie, just numb, either in a phase of trying so hard to be 'perfect' that nothing feels authentic, in a slump so that nothing matters or desperately trying to 'prepare' for my new start that I can't even focus on anything else. It's caused to me have a lot of absence from work, a lack of memories, a lot of missed opportunities to memories, ruined social relationships, strain on my relationship... I also think it's definitely made me lose sight of who I even am as a person. I KNOW how much of an effect it's having but I just feel like I can't stop doing it. Every time I fully believe that 'this is it, this is the last time!'.

My therapy should be restarting in the next couple of months. I brought this up last time I went (which was really difficult for me to speak about) and it was very much dismissed and brushed over despite how severe the effect has been.

I've never seen anyone talk about anything similar. I don't want to speak to anyone personally about it so maybe it's a long shot but I'm seeking opinions on it. Maybe I sound really stupid and I'll get absolutely flamed, I think if I wasn't dealing with it and I read it then my first thought would be 'well, just stop' so I get it... I'm just curious.

I also thought OCD. I’m sure I’ve seen people share similar accounts on the Reddit OCD page.

Standard therapy questions but..

• What was your childhood / adolescence like? Any adverse childhood experiences?
• How old are you?
• How long has it been going on?
• Did it start during / after a particular or significant life event?

I'd also suggest borderline personality disorder. Perfectionism is commonly with it.

Low self esteem, lack of self acceptance
Perfectionism and imposter syndrome
Some adhd traits

Please investigate acceptance and commitment therapy via a therapist (or standard psychotherapy)

I hear no bpd and no personality disorder in what you've described (doesn't mean it's not there, not able to suggest a diagnosis on that info)

@Moidershewrote

• my childhood... I'm not sure. A lot of abandonment issues, DM had a lack of executive function herself, only child who was deep in imagination and wanted to be alone most of the time.
• I'm early 20s now.
• The first time I started any 'routine' like this, I was 10. From then until 21 it was something that I did semi-regularly but nothing like this (maybe once every 3 months I'd engage in this cycle and then the urge would disappear and life would be normal). It certainly wouldn't be an every day occurrence and a daily effect on my life, that has been for 2 years.
• Nothing notable to start it off on such a continuous cycle.

I'm a bit like this, and I have been diagnosed with OCD and ADHD.

OCD

The compulsion, the fixed ideas, the intrusive thoughts.

OCD, with intrusive thoughts and anxiety.

That was the diagnosis I was given and medicated for when I cycled like this. Mine presented differently but reading your post felt familiar; cycles, thought processes, self-sabotage.

ADHD

It might not even be a medically classified disorder. It could just be something you do.

My ADHD isn't anything like this. I'd say more an obsessive disorder.

I'm no expert but sounds like an extreme form of masking as seen in neurodivergent people

Well, when I read your post I thought 'that sounds normal'.
Obviously no help OP but you're not the only one.
Following with much interest.

(even down to the good dates and bad dates)

I agree.

It's not so different from the millions of people who tell themselves every year they'll get fit after Xmas. They join the gym, buy all the gear, then within weeks they've flopped it. They often repeat this cycle many times.

I was going to suggest OCD as well. It can present in many guises.

My OCD is different but I would go through phases of ‘high function’ (compulsions) to counteract the intrusive thoughts, as well as lots of lows and depression because of feeling so bad about things and therefore being unable to function much.

I have done the get fit/lose weight cycle many, many times. Most Sunday nights probably for the last 50 years. I managed to break the cycle a few years ago and was happy with who I was, but have now been diagnosed as Type 2 diabetic probably because of all the dieting, so back on the never ending, self perpetuating roller coaster.
I might be over simplifying OP but have you ever just thought that your "perfect life" is actually the one you have got?

Whether there is anything underlying, I don't know, but reading your responses makes me wonder if you're autistic or ND in some other way.
I also feel like you are aiming for a type of perfectionism that is impossible to maintain. As soon as one bit slips, you're defeated and let the rest slip, until you a ready to try for the perfectionism again. More realistic balanced expectations of yourself might help.
Obviously leave it to the professionals but just some thoughts that crossed my mind.

It sounds like OCD could be a factor. Nothing indicates bipolar or borderline to me. I’m wondering if you’ve ever tracked your mood and these episodes against your menstrual cycles? For some women the mood switches can be quite extreme. For example, during ovulation some women experience surges of productivity. I am one of these women. I live in a slump until ovulation, at which point I suddenly decide I need to rearrange and organise my entire life. Then a couple of days later I’m in a slump again. I didn’t realise this was a pattern until I downloaded a period tracker app to help manage endometriosis and decided to fill out all the mood sections while I was there. Just a thought.

Therapist here. Your unlikely to be given a bi polar diagnosis as your not really reporting cyclic mood changes. Would you say your overall sense of self esteem is ok so you struggle with this? Sometimes people can "act as if they're ok" as a mechanism to control problems with self esteem, so setting a date for a new me is a way of doing this. Also interesting that you then feel a sense of failure in this normally. When you say your going to start a fresh what is it your actually aiming to start a fresh with? What makes you a new person on that date? What has to change for you to become that new person? What are you aiming to leave behind with the old person. I feel if you start to ask yourself those questions you might start to understand what you feel your trying to leave behind or avoid. What about control, is a sense of control something you strive for maybe? Is the date setting a way of achieving this sense of control?
What has previously therapy covered op? X

I recognise this although I am less extreme. I had a couple of sessions with a psychiatrist when diagnosed as post natal ocd. We had quite a lot of chat about perfectionist tendencies which I refuted but he made me recognise. My health anxiety has an ocd pattern too.

I am also a Scorpio

Hi OP

It does sound like you put huge and unrealistic amounts of pressure on yourself to do things that people cant generally do a. At all b. Quickly or c. By themselves. Like changing their personality...have you ever heard of someone changing their personality for the better overnight?

It comes accross with the dates thing and the 'if I walk wrongly then its ruined and needs to be started again' ie linking random things together for a positive outcome, like OCD.

It also reads very similar to people who crash diet eg think they're going to be able to cut out all carbs overnight then think they've 'ruined it' and need to start again next monday if they eat a chocolate button, so maybe looking into the psychology of that mindset will help you.