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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Exes family haven't acknowledged our child?

72 replies

awesomebaby · 14/04/2023 13:34

Is this normal and AIBU to be upset?

My ex and I split up during pregnancy, and I had our baby recently.

Ex has been seeing baby since they were born (once a week-ish), however his family have not acknowledged the birth at all.

By that I mean they haven't asked to see baby or meet them, not sent a card or a congratulations.

My own family would never do this, so I am struggling to get my head around.

OP posts:

Original poster

awesomebaby · 05/05/2023 11:06

@cabbagefordinner yes it did.

I'm quite tempted just to text his Mum or Dad and simply say to avoid any miscommunication, that they are more than welcome to meet baby with myself present.

I suppose at least they have "acknowledged" baby's existence which was my original question on this thread.

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LimeCheesecake · 05/05/2023 11:09

Do you have you exPIL contact details, if the request to meet has come via him, I’d contact them directly with a breezy message that you have heard from their son that they would like to meet DC, and you are happy for them to pop over if they just give you a little warning so you make sure you are in /some dates that suit you. that of course they understand that dc can’t be away from you really yet.

if they requested directly, just reply your dc is too young to be away from you yet but they are welcome to come over.

assume you have put in a child support application?

cabbagefordinner · 05/05/2023 11:09

Yep, you now have the perfect reason to contact them to say ex has mentioned about meeting baby, how about they come round/meet at convenient place on time/date. Just leave him out the arrangements and deal with them directly.

LimeCheesecake · 05/05/2023 11:11

They may well have talked about the baby lots, told him to pass on congratulations etc, don’t be hard on them, he may have told them you don’t want to hear from his family, and they don’t want to bother you.

Original poster

awesomebaby · 05/05/2023 11:28

The way he worded it was along the lines of that they would like to meet baby, however they know they won't be able to see baby "alone", so have accepted they can't meet the baby at the moment...

I'm breastfeeding and ex knows this.

The way he worded it was implying that I am the problem and they don't want to be in my presence.

I think a PP has hit the nail on the head. Ex has probably told his family some awful stuff about me if that's how they feel and they've missed out on their grandchild's newborn stage due to it.

I genuinely haven't done anything, I thought I had a good relationship with them when we were together.

I've also provided/bought everything for the baby and ex has contributed nothing. I never gave him any bother during the pregnancy and just got on with it. Considering the awful heartbreak of being cheated on, then coming to terms with being a single parent (not planned), the financial strain of getting everything ready on my own etc... I think I've actually been more than fair and reasonable to my ex.

Sounds like they are waiting until baby is old enough to go with ex alone. Which will be quite sometime given I'm breastfeeding, and the fact that he goes weeks without seeing baby.

To answer PP, I haven't put in a claim to CMS yet. I was waiting to see if ex offered support, but he hasn't bought baby anything yet or helped with anything.

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Original poster

awesomebaby · 05/05/2023 11:29

Or ex could just be telling complete lies, and they haven't said anything like this at all. Which I wouldn't put past him!

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Lwrenagain · 05/05/2023 11:35

I had an ex like this, his parents thought he farted rose petals.
He was an absolute shitebag and even if he didn't give them carefully selected parts of the stories, they would just ignore the parts he was a twat and focus on me or any of his other exes being the problem.

I wonder if this is the case with him being their golden bollocks?

Well done for getting rid of him. Takes so much strength and what a wonderful role model you are to your DC!

2bazookas · 05/05/2023 11:52

First I'd check they know there is a baby.

Maybe he hasn't told them. Is he sending any financial support?

Original poster

awesomebaby · 05/05/2023 11:54

@Lwrenagain highly likely!

I didn't realise until I joined mumsnet that men having "crazy exes" was a big red flag.

He also told me his parents thought all his exes were crazy too. Huge red flags that I didn't see at the time.

He is definitely a golden bollocks, parents heavily involved in his career and he constantly gushes how "indebted" he is to them for his success.

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slowquickstep · 05/05/2023 11:55

Maybe they don't feel welcome because of their Son's behaviour, send a phot of the baby to get the ball rolling.

Original poster

awesomebaby · 05/05/2023 11:55

@2bazookas they definitely know there is a baby.

He isn't supporting financially, nor has he bought a single item for baby.

Visited for the first month however this has now stopped as he is busy with work.

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Ellie1015 · 05/05/2023 12:12

If ex has told them lies then he will be keen to stop you and his parents meeting.

Probably would tell them "she doesnt want you to visit" and telling you "they only want to see baby alone so will wait til that is possible"

Oldnproud · 05/05/2023 12:16

@awesomebaby
Based on your previous posts on here plus your update, I would be tempted to send ex's parents a friendly message that 'innocently' clarifies a few points.

Dear ex-inlaws. I realize that our relationship has changed since ex and I split after he cheated on me, but ...
(add in something conciliatory here, such as how you still see them as baby's grandparents, and what, if any, role you still envisage them having in baby's life)

Although he said that you only want any updates on baby via him, not direct from me, and similarly that you don't want to see the baby with me present, ...
(continue with something that strongly indicates that you are the good guy here, such as a willingness to send them some photos, and/or anything better you can think of).

If he's been lying to them, this should out him, or at the very least cast some serious doubt on his version of events!

Curseofthenation · 05/05/2023 12:17

Just message them directly with a few clear facts about their son slipped in. For instance:

'Hi ex PILs, I hope you're both well. First off, I wanted to say that I completely understand how awkward this situation must feel for you both. I wanted to let you know that the fact that ex name has cheated and provided no financial support will have absolutely no bearing on your relationship with your grandchild. It would mean a lot to me if DC is able to have a strong relationship ex name but also with you both as well.

Obviously the baby is too small for you to see without me, but I am more than happy to meet you with DC in the meantime. Again, I understand that this may feel awkward but I wanted to let you know that the offer is always there.'

Skybluepinky · 05/05/2023 12:23

They probably think it’s not his, just move on, u don’t want x in-laws putting in their 2p worth, u will always being doing it wrong.

BananaSpanner · 05/05/2023 12:24

Message them, invite them round to meet dc. If they decline, politely ask why. Go from there.
Prepare yourself that they will just ignore any message from you even if you put them right. They don’t want to hear it.

Humanwoman · 05/05/2023 12:27

I would send a few photos with a message saying something like,
Hi, ex has said you might be wanting to meet your gs soon I think that would be lovely he has grown so much already. He is still too little to be flying solo but if you wanted we could meet for a coffee somewhere.

Maybe also think about setting up a WhatsApp group where you can share photos and snippets of info so they can build a relationship with him through you.

Original poster

awesomebaby · 05/05/2023 12:35

@Ellie1015 that makes sense that if he has been untruthful then he would be keen for us not to meet.

Maybe he has told them that I cheated and that the baby isn't his etc?!?

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Original poster

awesomebaby · 05/05/2023 12:36

@Skybluepinky I'm not obsessing over it anymore.

When I first made this post I was feeling rather hurt as I couldn't understand it, and my family would never. I now see it a lot more as their loss.

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CocoPlum · 05/05/2023 12:42

awesomebaby · 05/05/2023 12:36

@Skybluepinky I'm not obsessing over it anymore.

When I first made this post I was feeling rather hurt as I couldn't understand it, and my family would never. I now see it a lot more as their loss.

It is their loss, but don't be the reason it's their loss. As a PP said, get in touch direct and invite them for coffee.

It wouldn't surprise me if they have no idea if the cheating, I'm pretty sure my ex ILs have no idea of the OW involved when XH and I split.

SchoolTripDrama · 05/05/2023 12:48

@awesomebaby ex told me that his family would prefer to receive updates on baby from him and not me anymore.

Sounds like he's spun them a huge lie about why you split up!

Original poster

awesomebaby · 05/05/2023 21:05

@SchoolTripDrama yes the more I think about it the more I think this is likely to be the case and he's trying to stop us meeting so he can't be called out on his lies.

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