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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exes family haven't acknowledged our child?

72 replies

awesomebaby · 14/04/2023 13:34

Is this normal and AIBU to be upset?

My ex and I split up during pregnancy, and I had our baby recently.

Ex has been seeing baby since they were born (once a week-ish), however his family have not acknowledged the birth at all.

By that I mean they haven't asked to see baby or meet them, not sent a card or a congratulations.

My own family would never do this, so I am struggling to get my head around.

OP posts:
Levadia · 14/04/2023 14:52

I haven't read all the replies, so apologies if this has already been said. It sounds to me like your ex hasn't actually TOLD his family that he was having a child with you?

Is this a "cultural" thing. Don't underestimate the power of cultural dynamics in certain families.

HE has stepped up and is involved. So he sounds like a decent fella.

What other reason could there be for his family not congratulating you both?

Would be very unusual that the whole family are inbred "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" sociopaths! So I guess they probably don't know, or have disowned him due to S.E. Asian honour bullshit, etc.

Original poster
awesomebaby · 14/04/2023 14:53

icanneverthinkofnc · 14/04/2023 14:41

It could be that they don't know what to say..or hiw to approach the situation.

they could be on mn and know how inlaws are not allowed to be interested

This did make me laugh, very true Grin

OP posts:
mumofgirls87 · 14/04/2023 14:54

I think it's shame that's put them off. They're ashamed of their son and perhaps worried you may stop them seeing their grandchild? Not that I'm saying you would.
In the end it's their loss.

Original poster
awesomebaby · 14/04/2023 14:55

Levadia · 14/04/2023 14:52

I haven't read all the replies, so apologies if this has already been said. It sounds to me like your ex hasn't actually TOLD his family that he was having a child with you?

Is this a "cultural" thing. Don't underestimate the power of cultural dynamics in certain families.

HE has stepped up and is involved. So he sounds like a decent fella.

What other reason could there be for his family not congratulating you both?

Would be very unusual that the whole family are inbred "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" sociopaths! So I guess they probably don't know, or have disowned him due to S.E. Asian honour bullshit, etc.

We are both white British, so not culturally related at all.

Agree with those saying he's probably told them a different version of events!

OP posts:
Levadia · 14/04/2023 15:01

@awesomebaby

Ah ok then. Are you sure he's actually ever told them you were pregnant? Have you ever actually told them yourself?

If not, then it sounds like they don't know because he hasn't told them (for whatever reason).

If yes, they know and still choose to ignore the baby then: very, very odd - so "f*ck 'em!" Who needs that drama anyway? All three of you are better off without such weirdos!

Best wishes. Not everyone can choose their in-laws/family. Make a life without them if need be.

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 14/04/2023 15:02

PaigeMatthews · 14/04/2023 14:30

I cannot image the golden child has told his parents he cheated on you. Who knows what he has said. Let him deal with his parents. Make not dealing with them a blessing for you.

This!!

Catupatree123 · 14/04/2023 15:02

Going with the 'alternative break up story' he's possibly also told them you need space etc after birth. They might be disinterested, however, just as likely hes told them you don't want contact

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 15:04

Is there a chance he's told them he's not sure he's the father?

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 15:05

Or they might have given him money for the baby he hasn't told you about.

Inthesamesinkingboat · 14/04/2023 15:06

do they know their son is a shitbag and don’t want to get too attached incase you revoke access to the cheating pig?

MeridianB · 14/04/2023 15:10

It's rude. Even if they are 'siding' with him they should show you the courtesy of a congratluations. Is it possible they have given him a card for you and he hasn't passed it on?

I'm assuming your ex visits you and baby at yours and doesn't take him/her away? So they haven't met their grandchild yet?

It will be interesting to see if your ex is a good father who spend time with his child and enagages them. Because if not, they will surely be in touch when it suits them expecting to visit.

Put them out of your mind for now and focus on enjoying your little one.

Fidgety31 · 14/04/2023 15:10

He’s probably lied to them and said you won’t let them visit and he will take the baby to them instead - once it’s old enough to leave you

Stratocumulus · 14/04/2023 15:22

Someone said this earlier …..

“Some people lack the social skills or emotional intelligence to deal with this sort of situation. Or they close ranks.”

It sums up what I was thinking. As your baby grows if you allow your ex to take baby out, he might take babe to his parents and a bond will grow from that? Be patient & see what happens. Behave with dignity at all times. Lots of kids grow up without having a granny or grandad in their lives. I hope it all works out OP.

LaylaLjungberg · 14/04/2023 15:26

He’s been telling porky pies to his parents to keep them on side. You didn’t ruin their experience of being a grandparent, he did. Congratulations on your baby :)

orangevelvetshoes · 14/04/2023 15:27

I'd probably send them an open message saying along the lines of

'I know you have said you only want to see baby through ex and it's sad that he chose to be with someone else while we were together so we're now no longer a couple as a result of that, but I wanted to let you know as well that regardless of what's between me and ex you are welcome to be involved if you want to be'
if that is indeed what you want to happen but I would have no expectations of a reply mainly to protect myself!

Personally I wouldn't be surprised if he's painted you in a bad light here, if that was my gc I'd be less inclined to care about my son and rather not lose my gc forever. But sometimes people are strange/mean so could just be that too.

Winterisalmostover · 14/04/2023 15:30

When I had DD there was no acknowledgement at all from ex's family. He wasn't even an ex then. When DD was 8 months his other DC were visiting and the DS was cuddling her. I commented on how sweet he was with his little sister. He and the other DC were agape and told me she was my baby and not their dad's. I assured then she was and all hell was let loose as he had lied to his entire family about our baby, saying she was just mine. He did keep me away from his parents etc saying they didn't want to see me, but this was astonishing.

Maybe your ex is caught up in a web of lies too. I'd contact his parents by sending a photo.

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 15:30

I haven't reached out as during the pregnancy when we broke up ex told me that his family would prefer to receive updates on baby from him and not me anymore.

Send his mom a picture.

Original poster
awesomebaby · 14/04/2023 16:49

Thanks everyone for their thoughts. Sad that others have been through this.

They definitely knew I was pregnant, as we were together.

And I'm 100% sure they know I've had the baby.

I know I'm best to just carry on as I am and know that it's their loss, which I will be doing.

OP posts:
GGBOY · 14/04/2023 17:03

Your ex may be trying to control the situation. Or they may not know how to approach it. I have a baby with my ex and his mum did give me a card . His sister gave my son a present a month or so later and his dad when the baby was 5 months. It was all a bit disjointed as we had split up .

Twinedpeaks · 14/04/2023 17:25

@Levadia you don't have to read the whole thread, but at least read the OP and her subsequent posts!

Aerosarethebest · 14/04/2023 18:04

If you want to establish some contact with them independent of your ex, I’d take a nice photo of him with your baby and send it to your ex-MIL if you have her number for what’s app or similar. Don’t make a big deal of it, just say to ex, oh I het your mum would live this one. I’ll send it to you both. Just put in the message to ex-MIL ‘I thought you might like this one’.

potatowhale · 14/04/2023 18:05

It's probably all really awkward and they want to give you space

Curseofthenation · 14/04/2023 19:21

I would guess that ex has told them a different story about why you broke up and has said that you would like all contact through him as he would otherwise be at risk of being outed. I wouldn't be surprised of he went as far as saying you were refusing contact to extended family on his side. Just a feeling!

Original poster
awesomebaby · 05/05/2023 10:56

Just a little update in case any one else ever finds themselves in a similar situation and are reading this thread.

Baby is now 6 weeks old and still hasn't met any of exes family. Ex also hasn't seen baby since shortly after I wrote the original thread although asks for photos and updates!

Exes parents have now said they would like to meet baby, however have requested for this to be "alone" (without me there! Shock).

OP posts:
cabbagefordinner · 05/05/2023 11:02

Did the message about wanting "alone time' come via your ex? If so, sounds like he doesn't want you talking with them so he can continue to control the narrative.

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