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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage/ Relationships

27 replies

Aquarius1234 · 13/04/2023 23:37

AIBU to think a large number of marriages and partnerships are fake?
Beneath the service lots of people just do things as society has always told them to do so.
Must do this this and this to run a happy life etc etc
Must please this person by doing this, when actually the world wouldn't calapse is people didn't always do things they think they ought to be doing.

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FuckNuggets · 13/04/2023 23:48

I agree with your last sentence, people should do what they want, not what they think they should. But, no I don't think most marriages and relationships are fake.

Dontbelieveaword · 14/04/2023 00:44

No, I don't think a large number of relationships and marriages are fake.
I do believe some people are in relationships and marriages that they're not happy in, whether that's because of abuse or finances or because they believe its better for the kids but I believe the majority of them got into these relationships and marriages because they were once genuinely in love and they were doing it for their own happiness and because its what they wanted to do, not because they thought society expected it of them.
Of course there are some societal expectations and pressure in certain circumstances, in certain cultures and religions, for example, but I don't believe this is in the majority.

Tell us more about your opinion and why you think the way you do.

TreeLine23 · 14/04/2023 00:55

I agree with you OP & think quite a large percentage of marriages/relationships are not happy.

Original poster
Aquarius1234 · 14/04/2023 01:04

I think most of us wouldn't like what we hear/ see behind closed doors.
You often only see a glimpse of people's relationships. Not saying terrible abuse etc.
Just not good either. Very strained, tense. Only party lazy the other not.
One party boring the other frustrated.
One person very stressed the other not at all.
One person treading on egg shells as to avoid rows.

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WeAreAllLionesses · 14/04/2023 01:07

My 25 year marriage definitely has not been like the op describes, thankfully.

Original poster
Aquarius1234 · 14/04/2023 01:08

When I witness females rushing about, getting everything done, organised and what not. I just think why are you trying soo hard to do everything.
Are you a tiny bit worried deep down if your not totally into your other halves life they will leave you ??
They need to know every little detail that their partner gets up to all day long. Constant phone calls.
Sweet nah more like insecurity.

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Original poster
Aquarius1234 · 14/04/2023 01:08

Excuse the typos.

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Original poster
Aquarius1234 · 14/04/2023 01:09

Nothing is black and white I know that.
But so much of life is putting on a front I reckon.

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Original poster
Aquarius1234 · 14/04/2023 01:13

Also it makes you wonder why people picked or ended up with their partners in the first place.
Often I think, but such and such a person could have easily met someone else, slightly more compatible, attractive, more stuff in common.
Or just a completely different person.
But nope they stick with whoever likes and makes the initial effort in pursuing.

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MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 14/04/2023 01:13

There are many happy marriages out there.

I could never be part of one though due to late life diagnosed autism.

It was something I always thought you had to aim for, but now I struggle to even commit to a relationship, because I know in the future I'd fancy someone else and likely act on it if possible.

Plus I don't really like company 🤣

I do think a lot of unhappy marriages see it through for the kids, fear of change, financial reasons. Not abusive marriages, but regretful ones (?). I wouldn't know.

I love being able to do what I want, when I want, go where I want without having to discuss it with anyone.

Original poster
Aquarius1234 · 14/04/2023 01:17

I love being able to do what I want, when I want, go where I want without having to discuss it with anyone.

^^ in a good relationship, that bit should be fine. Its the odd people needing hours of explaining and arguing before getting over said plans.

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ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 14/04/2023 01:17

It's certainly not my experience! Married 21 years, we both do what we want independently of each other and do stuff together when we can/ want.
my 19 yo dd is in a similar relationship, so not uncommon.
But there are lots of toxic relationships out there for sure.

Dontbelieveaword · 14/04/2023 01:20

I'm just not sure I get what you're getting at. Is this specifically about women being in unhappy relationships that they shouldn't be in?
Are we talking about your own personal experience in relationships?
A lot of people - men and women - rush around trying to get everything organised, keep their partners and relationships happy and healthy. It doesn't mean they're in unhappy, abusive relationships or trying too hard. Just because you might see someone rushed, harried or having a bad day, doesn't mean they're going home to be beaten because they forget to pick the milk up or they're all so mistrustful of their partners that they're practically stalking them, questioning their every move.
Yes, of course there are some like that, but not all.
I guess you're going through a tough time at the moment and I'm sorry about that but its not healthy to be thinking that all relationships are fake or abusive

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 14/04/2023 01:20

It's a lot about self esteem.
I knew I would rather be alone than be oppressed, but some people don't cope with being alone. That's a them issue rather than a marriage issue

Original poster
Aquarius1234 · 14/04/2023 01:25

Not about abuse at all. About why people feel the need to act a certain way all the time. Men and Women.

Control is one reason. And perhaps insecurity.

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Original poster
Aquarius1234 · 14/04/2023 01:26

Rushing around non stop is annoying most of us do it. Tho I respect those that sometimes say I've had enough don't care today/ this week.

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Original poster
Aquarius1234 · 14/04/2023 01:29

Tho don't get me started on men that never get stressed and want the easy life. Never compromise at all. Always do the stuff they want, never miss any football games eh. That's another thread. Yuk.

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Dontbelieveaword · 14/04/2023 01:30

I'd consider control as abuse, wouldn't you? Are you drinking, OP? You're thoughts seem quite disordered and erratic. I still don't know the point you're trying to get aat.
Is this about you? I don't believe this is just a general chitchat about relationships in general, something had triggered these thoughts enough to prompt the thread

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 14/04/2023 01:34

Aquarius1234 · 14/04/2023 01:17

I love being able to do what I want, when I want, go where I want without having to discuss it with anyone.

^^ in a good relationship, that bit should be fine. Its the odd people needing hours of explaining and arguing before getting over said plans.

Yes, I completely understand that in a good relationship this should be a natural part of it.

I just wouldn't know.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 14/04/2023 01:35

See, the things you seem to be picking up on are issues with some people, nothing to do with relationships/marriage.
Some people are controlling
Some people have low self-esteem
Some people are abusive
Some people are demanding
Some people are self obsessed

Just don't get involved with those people!

Original poster
Aquarius1234 · 14/04/2023 01:37

I never said all just lots. Just find it fascinating. Always have done.

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Original poster
Aquarius1234 · 14/04/2023 01:39

Marriage on bbc was telling. Dull dull dull.

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MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 14/04/2023 01:40

Oh, I've only just twigged that OP might be talking personally, from experience and may be unhappy.

This is why I cannot have a relationship. I'm usually seen as the horrible one, but because of who I am, I don't pick up on anything emotional. Unless it's me of course, and then it's over the top emotional.

I'll stay single.

Hope you are okay OP.

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 14/04/2023 01:42

Aquarius1234 · 14/04/2023 01:39

Marriage on bbc was telling. Dull dull dull.

It was.

Some people like that though. Not necessarily dull, but steady. I guess.

Original poster
Aquarius1234 · 14/04/2023 01:42

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 14/04/2023 01:40

Oh, I've only just twigged that OP might be talking personally, from experience and may be unhappy.

This is why I cannot have a relationship. I'm usually seen as the horrible one, but because of who I am, I don't pick up on anything emotional. Unless it's me of course, and then it's over the top emotional.

I'll stay single.

Hope you are okay OP.

I'm single also. I think its beyond rare to find someone you are compatible with in this online world.

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