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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What did I do wrong

54 replies

Shaz1980s · 13/04/2023 18:56

My mum died 25 years ago, and I took on the responsibility of looking after my younger sister, at the time I was 24 and my sister was 8 years old. My sister was provided with a nice home, nice holidays, full support with regard to education and it goes without saying, love. My sister is now 33 and has a baby daughter. She is very close to her partner's parents but it's like she doesn't want to accept I was sort of like a parent to her. I pulled her up for some of her behaviours, including the fact I perhaps could have been seen as more than an aunt to her daughter. I wasn't allowed to post photos of her daughter on facebook but her other family members were. We offered to spend Christmas with her and the baby because her partner was working away, we would buy and prepare all the food, then the in-laws were invited and we were told she was stressed about xmas so we said we wouldn't go, next thing prior to Xmas our brother, partner, kids and her inlaws were all round there having a great time. The in-laws not only visited on Xmas day but stayed for two nights. There are many other examples of how she has treated me but she's always there to take the handouts, the new pram etc. I have asked her why she treats me so badly and rather than providing me with an answer she blocked me. this has really impacted me, I am not begging to be in someone's life but surely I deserve an answer. It feels like this is impacting all aspects of my life, after doing so much for so long it's like I don't matter or even exist.

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 13/04/2023 19:00

You need to ask her face to face and tell her how hurtful you find her behaviour.

LadyKenya · 13/04/2023 19:03

Is there any chance that she could be suffering from ptsd? She may not even know why she is behaving the way that she is.

Sortyourlifeout · 13/04/2023 19:06

My guess is that she craves that full family unit.

I'm so sorry she is pushing you out though. Doesn't sound like she understands what have done for her in giving up your life to take on and bring her up at the age of 8.

minou123 · 13/04/2023 19:08

Gosh, this is a sad story for both you and your sister. Im so sorry you both lost your mum at young ages.

If she is a new mum, could there be complicated feelings of not having her ( and your mum) around?

I have found people who are hurting lash out at the ones close to them, maybe that is it?

Original poster
Shaz1980s · 13/04/2023 19:33

I did

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaz1980s · 13/04/2023 19:34

I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaz1980s · 13/04/2023 19:35

Unfortunately, she's been like that since she got close to her partner's parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaz1980s · 13/04/2023 19:44

By the way, I'm not saying her in-laws have influenced how she's treated me because they are nice people.

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 13/04/2023 19:52

I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh but I do see some potentially difficult comments in your post.

You say you “pulled her up” on her not seeing you as more than an aunt to her baby. Surely your relationship is your relationship, so she treats you how she feels as a result of that relationship. I don’t think you can make her treat you like a grandparent. Whatever that even means.

You mention she is “happy to take handouts”. Are these freely given gifts or gifts given with expectations? If you aren’t happy to give them then don’t. If you do give gifts I don’t think you can have expectations in return. To me that sounds manipulative.

is it possible she simply doesn’t feel she has a good relationship with you? I understand you must have dedicated a lot of yourself to her and raising a sibling after loosing a parent must have been hard. However do you think you have expectations of her because of that?

Rockychocolate · 13/04/2023 19:59

Weallgottachangesometime · 13/04/2023 19:52

I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh but I do see some potentially difficult comments in your post.

You say you “pulled her up” on her not seeing you as more than an aunt to her baby. Surely your relationship is your relationship, so she treats you how she feels as a result of that relationship. I don’t think you can make her treat you like a grandparent. Whatever that even means.

You mention she is “happy to take handouts”. Are these freely given gifts or gifts given with expectations? If you aren’t happy to give them then don’t. If you do give gifts I don’t think you can have expectations in return. To me that sounds manipulative.

is it possible she simply doesn’t feel she has a good relationship with you? I understand you must have dedicated a lot of yourself to her and raising a sibling after loosing a parent must have been hard. However do you think you have expectations of her because of that?

This. There will be a reason she's distancing you OP..

Original poster
Shaz1980s · 13/04/2023 20:03

I take your comments onboard.
From my perspective if I had an issue with someone I wouldn't accept expensive gifts and then behave like she did

OP posts:
OCDmama · 13/04/2023 20:08

Tbh it sounds a bit like you're demanding the relationship to be exactly how you want it - to be treated like her mum. But at 8 she likely remembers your actual DM.

I'd also say that having a baby really makes you think about your own childhood and can reopen old wounds. It can be really painful and she might be reacting to that.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 13/04/2023 20:11

Losing your mum at 24 and taking on the parenting role of your 8yrold sister must have been really difficult.
However for your sister she lost her mum and her sister role and that is massive trauma.
We do Fostering and often have kids who have had really bad trauma and there is always something missing for them.
I wonder if the fact her in laws are loving and kind to her and her family, she is living her family ideal, that she has been looking for .
That is nothing against you at all, you have done an amazing job. The way in which you've raised her has allowed her to develop a good relationship and allowed her to be a mum, many kids with trauma struggle to do this.
How to put it right? My thought would be to write to her. Explain that you feel she thinks you've overstepped your role and if so uou are sorry for that. That your role was of 'mum' for so long but that you would like to reinstate the role of sisters (and aunty) if she is willing to do that.
Officially it is up to her who and how she celebrates with family and I think you just need to step back and let her experience the family she feels she needs.

It can hurt a lot when you know you are giving them the best possible but it doesn't get them over the loss and the wish for something they can't have / what they're missing.

TheHoover · 13/04/2023 20:12

There’s something going on here: it sounds like she may have some deeper resentment towards you from some things that have happened in the past. And she is using contact with her daughter as a weapon / punishment.
that must feel really hard considering the sacrifices you made for her. Is she quite immature (for a 33y/o?). Tbh many (immature) adult children can bear grudges towards their parents for their own reasons that are objectively unfair but not to them.
i would try and get to the bottom of what she is really feeling. And if you want to be a parent more than a sister then be prepared to suck things up and apply as much latitude and forgiveness as possible.

Original poster
Shaz1980s · 13/04/2023 20:13

I'm not demanding anything and I certainly don't want to be treated like her mum but is it too much to ask why I'm treated with so little respect. I've asked the question why? that's all I need to know, I'm ok not being part of her family but I need to understand what I did wrong. She was like this way before she was pregnant.

OP posts:
Elvis1956 · 13/04/2023 20:16

Ok I'm sorry but you are an aunt to the child. I know you feel.so much more but your sister is trying to fit in with a "normal" family dynamic....she doesn't want to acknowledge (at this time) she had an unusual childhood.
I'm sure deep down she knows what you have done...I've a cousin who in her 40says her big sister is her mum...But your sister wants things to be "normal"

Original poster
Shaz1980s · 13/04/2023 20:18

I'm ok to step away from her and her new family, I just wanted to know why she felt she needed to treat me the way she has to allow me to move on. I respect her decision to remove me from her family unit. I just wish i knew what I did wrong

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 13/04/2023 20:20

Your not her mum potentially that's the only reason she is being like this

Step back
No more expensive gifts
Accept her decision

FannyPhart · 13/04/2023 20:22

Maybe she finds it all a bit overbearing.

Original poster
Shaz1980s · 13/04/2023 20:23

ok I'm an aunt to the child but why am I treated differently from her other aunts and uncle?

OP posts:
AAAAABBBBBCCCCC · 13/04/2023 20:24

You sound suffocating. Take a step back.

Dibbydoos · 13/04/2023 20:29

Hi OP, I can feel the hurt in your posts, so sending a hug x

Ref your sister, she wanted a real family and now has one.

Leave her be, she'll come round. You did a great job, well done. Now go live your life xxx

Skankylanky · 13/04/2023 20:38

Hmm.

It sounds like you have expectations of what you feel to be owed due to raising her. Please do not place anything like that on her. Do not make her feel like she has a debt to you.

Do you have a good relationship? Have you been close for the last few years? What do you mean by being treated as more than an aunt?

Are you generally quite an easy going chilled person? The fact that she is inviting others to spend more time with her suggests that she possibly finds them less stressful to be around than you?

Obi73 · 13/04/2023 20:49

I totally understand your sadness and confusion, I went though a similar scenario a few years ago and the hurt resonates.
I decided (as hard as it was) to stop sending spontaneous, thoughtful or expensive gifts and any expectations of being included (that was the hardest) and getting on with my life.
I’m her sister and aunt to the children - that’s my role and I accept that’s her decision which means I get to be with them and share special times and occasions, better that than being excluded.

JudgeRudy · 13/04/2023 20:51

I agree with some others that she is craving the family unit and now she has it you are a remnant and a reminder of her former life. Don't hold this against her. Why didn't her dad take her in as a child? Or a grandparents maybe? My bets are that things were OK till the baby. This can be a very triggering time for someone with 'abandonment issues'. I'm not a psycholigist but she's looking at her baby thinking she will have a mum n dad and grandparents who will never leave her or stop loving her. She fiercely protecting this so nothing gets taken away from her child. She can't risk anyone getting too close.
She does love you, she does care but I think she's two different people. When you 'intrude' on her world she doesn't feel secure.
I think if you have an opportunity to talk to her alone outside of her family she might get how much she's hurt you and try to be more giving.

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