What did I do wrong

[Shaz1980s]

My mum died 25 years ago, and I took on the responsibility of looking after my younger sister, at the time I was 24 and my sister was 8 years old. My sister was provided with a nice home, nice holidays, full support with regard to education and it goes without saying, love. My sister is now 33 and has a baby daughter. She is very close to her partner's parents but it's like she doesn't want to accept I was sort of like a parent to her. I pulled her up for some of her behaviours, including the fact I perhaps could have been seen as more than an aunt to her daughter. I wasn't allowed to post photos of her daughter on facebook but her other family members were. We offered to spend Christmas with her and the baby because her partner was working away, we would buy and prepare all the food, then the in-laws were invited and we were told she was stressed about xmas so we said we wouldn't go, next thing prior to Xmas our brother, partner, kids and her inlaws were all round there having a great time. The in-laws not only visited on Xmas day but stayed for two nights. There are many other examples of how she has treated me but she's always there to take the handouts, the new pram etc. I have asked her why she treats me so badly and rather than providing me with an answer she blocked me. this has really impacted me, I am not begging to be in someone's life but surely I deserve an answer. It feels like this is impacting all aspects of my life, after doing so much for so long it's like I don't matter or even exist.

You haven't done anything wrong. She likes her husbands family, and wants to see you less. I'd step back and stop with the expensive presents. Just send a token gift for the baby, around Xmas and birthdays.

I think she’s enjoying the “family unit” and normality her in laws provide whereas you provide a reminder of the hurt and the loss. That’s not your fault and one day she may realise the sacrifices you made but she’s finding a way to fit in and likes how the new family feels. That’s hurtful. However, not all dc and their parents have great relationships so it just might be you’re different. Look after yourself and give her some space, hopefully she’ll come back to you but you can’t tie yourself in knots over it or you’ll make yourself ill.

OP, it seems to me that you feel you deserve to be a bigger part of her life. And that is reasonable considering you have done a lot for her. My question is, do you have a lot in common? As an adult I’ve grown apart from some of my family, and it’s not that I don’t love them, more that I don’t particularly enjoy spending time with them. That might be hurtful to consider as a possibility here but it may well be why your sister has distanced herself. When you spend time together is it fun? Do you enjoy each other’s company? Because if not, it may well be that you’ve grown apart.

I wonder if you still see her as a child. Has the relationship changed since the early years? Do you treat her as an equal? I think she probably has a lot of complicated emotions about her mothers death and needs to redefine your relationship on a more equal footing.

Your sister has grown up and become a mum herself. I wonder if you still, in some way, treat her like the girl you brought up. You're not her mum, even though you probably feel a lot like it. It must be really hard for you to accept that you are just her sister ( given how much you must have given up for her). The thing is, in feeling forever beholden to you for your amazing sacrifice, she never gets to have the relationship with you she should: as two grown up sisters, equals.
Maybe all the other people see her as a grown woman without these complicated feelings. When you've raised someone, the way you have, it must be hard to withdraw to a lessor role but you must learn to do it if you want to have a good relationship with her. She didn't ask you to give so much up for her, she had no choice, she was just a little girl then.
It's a great thing you have done and it's really harsh for you to take the step back but you must.

Gratitude is a difficult dynamic. It's hard to feel eternally grateful to someone, even if you know you should. It's easy to resent the gratitude and so stop feeling it.

What's your relationship like other than the stuff right now? Do you enjoy each other's company?

It hurts to feel pushed out but as pp said, there will be a reason and she may just be unwilling to tell you or find it too difficult.

If I had to guess it's that she feels you are being pushy and that the way she sees you is not as a replacement to her mum so she is upset that you are seeming to think of it that way.

She’s very mean. I’m sorry, she is out of order. And she’s happy to accept gifts from you then shun you. Awful.

Just read the other comments and don’t agree with them at all. She should explain to you why she’s such a jerk.

I think your sister is being rude to not speak to you if she has a problem with you. However, I also think you need to lower your expectations of her, and give her plenty of space- it is entirely possible she's craving a 'normal' family unit like a PP mentioned.
How long has she know her partners parents? Let her find herself as a new mum, parent etc and give her the space to come to you when she is ready.
It's very hurtful when someone behaves the way she is, and even more so someone you've raised and are close to.
Take a step back, and see if that'll make her take a step towards you

Gratitude is a difficult dynamic. It's hard to feel eternally grateful to someone, even if you know you should. It's easy to resent the gratitude and so stop feeling it.

I think there is something to this. Also, as she became a mother in her 30's it can't have escaped her that you took on that role at a much younger age, essentially giving up the freedom of your 20's to raise her. On some level could she feel some irrational guilt about this? Does she resent the constant reminders that you're more a mother figure than a sister?

It's understandable that you feel hurt and you also haven't done anything wrong. But I don't think that demanding an explanation from her is going to help the situation. It may in fact drive her to push you further away.

I think you need to step back and give her the breathing room she's asking for (by her actions, if not her words). Take on a more sisterly role. YANBU, but you are going to have to accept that your role in her life has changed and try to make peace with that so you don't feel so angry, upset and hurt.

I think one of two things or possibly both.

Firstly, maybe seeing you /being close to you reminds her of what she has lost. So finds it hard to be with you/ be apart of your life.

Or maybe she doesn't like that you want to be seen as more than a sister as she had a mum and doesn't want to forget that.

Either way, the way she is treating you isn't fair. Maybe take a step back and let her feel the loss of you and see if she comes back.

I think this may be one of the reasons why she is distancing herself,
"I pulled her up for some of her behaviours"
If she feels criticized and possibly infantilized by you she may resent that.
Perhaps she's chosen to spend time with her inlaws because she feels more accepted and respected by them? You put in a lot of time and effort on her behalf when she was young but that doesn't necessarily mean that she feels close to you. It sounds like you feel like you were a parent to her but she would prefer a more equal relationship after all it wasn't her fault or choice that your Mum was not able to take on this role. Can you try just being a friend to her without the hierarchy aspect to the relationship? I'm sure you're still very important to her but if she feels judged by you it's going to be hard to connect. It sounds like you are expecting her to feel grateful and somewhat indebted to you maybe a no strings attached approach would work better and ease the tension?

As someone whose siblings had an almost parental impact on me (we lived with our gps because of neglect) I found my first pregnancy and parenthood a very confusing time.

when you don’t have “normal” relationships with your family then it can be highlighted and hard when you have a child.

Shes likely missing your mum.
Then there’s trying to work out your place - because you’re like a mum, but you’re not her mum.

I don’t have a relationship any longer wuth the sibling who was very clear what they felt their relationship with me and my children should be. They didn’t give me space to work it out and didn’t/wouldn’t accept that o felt different to them.

instead of “pulling her up” - which is what an adult does to a child imo - talk to get like the adult she is.

Step back and relearn how to be just a sibling.
If the two of you are equal and see each other as equals instead of a mother/child relationship you will get along much better.
She's trying to leave home and make decisions herself. Cut the apron strings. She doesn't want your opinion. Don't give any more expensive gifts.
I would touch base in real and say I was sorry for being over motherly and that you will just be there if ever she needs you.
Over time you might be able to reconnect over monthly coffee. Expect to behave just like your other siblings. You might swap small gifts at birthday and Christmas and offer a suportive phone call every fortnight.
Refrain from giving advice.
It's not her fault that you had to parent her.
If she had had a mother there would be bumpy times while she established her independence.

I can see why this is hurtful and confusing for you Op. You stepped in and cared for her, became the responsible adult, when you were fairly young yourself, and also grieving. You did well.

Now, she is finding her identity as a mother, hard enough anyway but when your own experience of having a mother was interrupted by trauma, it is even more challenging.

By pulling her up on things and buying expensive gifts you are trying to be kind and continue the selfless support you gave her growing up, but to her I wonder if it undermines and challenged her emerging identity. As feeling of “you don’t believe i can do this without you”. Yet due to her sort of dept of gratitude she does not feel able to ask you to back off and respect her process. I can see why that would make her want to distance herself, easier to create physical space than the emotional boundaries she craves and risk feeling like an ungrateful retch which would also challenge her identity. She is trying to regain some control.

Help her to feel empowered, let her stand on her own to feet, show her that you believe in her as a fully functioning woman and mother with her own mind and resources. Keep your opinions to yourself, let her have the responsibility for the big stuff. When your ‘kind’ actions are no longer in conflict with her actualisation she will come back to you and value your relationship.

You are her sister but you're not her sister. Have a think about how you treat her/speak to her. Do you genuinely treat her like an equal? The whole "pull her up" comment makes me think you don't.

I often have to put space between myself and me eldest sister because she's a bossy PITA who thinks she knows exactly what I should be doing in every aspect of my life and will badger me to try to make me give until I walk away/hang up in her in fury.

To start you’re not her mum. “Pulling her up” and treating her like a child probably is getting her back up.

it also sounds like you are needy and behaving like she owes you for everything you did for her. Do these gifts come freely or are you expecting something in return?

start sending token gifts only, and back off. While you did a wonderful thing raising your sister, you are not owed a relationship now. Let her come to you and try and rebuild as sisters.

Also why was it you that took on responsibility for her and not her/your father?

That’s also likely to be playing a part atm if she has a complicated or non existent relationship there.

Did raising your sister have an impact on your own ability to form a relationship? Did it mean that you sacrificed your own chance to have children- if so, she will now be realising just exactly what that means.
given the age difference between you I wonder if you both have the same father … if not, it may be that she feels that any familial link has gone.
it’s difficult to feel that you owe someone something in terms of emotions etc (from her side) - if you owe someone money that is a debt that can be repaid, if it’s emotionally based then this may be a debt that is weighing heavily on her as it may feel like it has no end point and can never be repaid in full.

I think it's unresolved trauma from her childhood long held ones,

She is also from her Partners family getting her idea of idealised family would be like,
too,

I think you remind her far too much of unresolved issues from her childhood unfortunately,

And she sure wants to ensure has some distance from you cause of this,

I know you did very well, bringing her up at exceptional young age as you did,
Credit due,

But sounds as if materialistic stuff is something you see as a tokens of how much you thought of her and in a way, conditions attached to them,
Materlistic should be freely given not with expectations attached to them,

Materialistic stuff should not be used perceived as a levage to gain any emotional related expections to manipulative her into being what you expect her to be like,
Otherwise best not to do this,

She is her own person, even though you brought her up, and come from troubling as in (trauma same family unit, ect

I think we live in a materialistic society in which materialistic things are percieved as a substitute for affectionate

I think becoming a new mother is triggering old long held festering unresolved emotional wounds,

It's making her look/dwell at her traumatic troubling past and it's making her feel resentful that she had to endure this kind of hardship as expectations young age,
And also looking frankly frailties of life,
even her own mortality maybe,

What if history in some way repeated itself senerios in mind, ect

Essentially she is seeing with fresh eyes,
'What a Bastard life"really was to her, in that life dealt her unfair Shitty ✋️ hand, !

Oops typo omissions
Materialistic stuff I ment to say...

I think there are some really thoughtful responses on here about what your sister
might be feeling and why she might be acting the way she is. I think the advice to take a step back and give her some space is very sensible. I’m not talking cutting contact but buying less for her, not expecting to see her on every celebration.

I think Previous posters who have mentioned her feelings having changed since having a child might be on to something. I know when I had children it made me reflect on my own childhood. That was also the time I started drawing quite strict boudaries with my mum. I wonder if she looks at her own baby and thinks about what it might be like if she passed away…would she want them to remember her as their mum? My own son is 8 and the thought of passing away and then not being there to do the mother role is a horrid one. Having her own child must have bought up a lot of feelings.

Op I also wonder if you have other family? Did you have children or do you have other siblings etc. the relationship between you and her sounds quite intense.

I think you could be a reminder of the trauma she went through as a child and wants to forget about that part of her life. She's got a new family and she may just want to make a new start for her daughter and forget about her past.

Your sister is being unkind and disrespectful to you, but it sounds as if she's unlikely to change in the short-term. As sad as it is for you, you need to step back and let her get on with her life. Wait for her to invite/approach you. Buy usual birthday/Christmas gifts for her child, but don't buy lavish ones, it sounds as if your sister is ungrateful for your kindness. You did a wonderful thing, stepping up and preventing your sister going into care, it's disappointing that she is so dismissive of this.

She's now a grown woman and a mother. Just let her come to you, actions speaks louder than words.

I'm sorry you're going through this