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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt my bro doesn't want to be DSs godfather

42 replies

willdaisymummy · 14/02/2008 21:13

After 2 years of debating we've finaly decided to get DCs christened. I asked my brother to be DSs godfather and to my complete surprise he refused, he has a problem with the word god apparently. Our parents didn't get us christened and we weren't brought up relgiously, not anti-religion at all, but they always said it was up to us as we got older........anyway, I'm quite hurt that he doesn't want to be, I've tried to explain that for him it can be more about caring and being there for the kids than teaching them about god as DHs family will be more than happy to do that but that's not made any difference. I do appreciate what he's saying but he's my only sibling and I honestly thought he'd feel honoured, I know I would if someone asked me. I am pretty damn sensitive at times so I don't know if I'm being silly, would anyone else be hurt??

OP posts:

Lulumama · 14/02/2008 21:14

i can understand why you feel hurt, but if you are having a religious ceremony, and your brother is not religious and does not beleive in god, then he does not want to be a hypocrite and stand up in church and make promises that he cannot keep.

he can still be a big part of your DCs life and their morality without being an official religious godfather

ja9 · 14/02/2008 21:15

a scene from About A Boy comes to mind - have you seen it?

TheFallenMadonna · 14/02/2008 21:15

He would have to make promises that he would have no intention of keeping.

I can see why you're upset, but I can see why he would refuse too.

Original poster

willdaisymummy · 14/02/2008 21:20

I have seen About A Boy, ages ago on a plane though. What was the scene??
I do see where he's coming from I really do, but it didn't occur to me he'd say no. I guess I'm shocked, I forget he is a man not just my little brother and therefore can be rather untactful at times!!

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DforDiva · 14/02/2008 21:21

i agree with fallenmadonna, i and dh not into religion, and our dc not christened. i can understand why your brother refused. if someone will ask me to be godmother i will explain i dont want it. i think some people just do it as tradition,very casual.
people have their own point of view. i think you should try to understand your brother, bother take it too serious. im sure he cares about you and your family.

DforDiva · 14/02/2008 21:22

before not bother

Heated · 14/02/2008 21:23

If it were a secular naming ceremony then presumably no problem. But at the christening the parents and Godparents publicly:

declare that they believe in Jesus Christ and trust in him;

- promise to live as Christians and worship God regularly at church, - promise to pray for the children, - promise to help the children worship God regularly at church

...which your brother may well feel he can't promise. It's partly why we have not had our dcs christened although we occasionally attend church. Our choice of godparents are Hindu or non-believers. You could alternatively have a service of thanksgiving and blessing which your brother could commit too because it contains none of these promises.

PotPourri · 14/02/2008 21:28

Fallenmadonna. We had a similar thing with DD2. I am catholic, DH is agnostic (and not christened). And his bro is I think athiest. Anyway, we asked him to be godfatehr, and he said no. I was really offended, as I saw it as a huge honour to be asked to be a godparent. DH and I had talked about it and agreed that we would be using OUR understanding of godfather in his case - i.e. not necessarily the religious promises. That would be the godmother who would cover off that side of things.

To be honest I am still a bit sore about it now that I think about it again. DH understands, but I still can't get past what an honour it is to be asked to support someone spiritually (not necessarily religiously as I have said).

Have to say that if I stand back, I can see his point really. Still hurts tho doesn't it?

Original poster

willdaisymummy · 14/02/2008 21:31

It's a unitarian (sp) church, it is the least religious christening (if that makes any sense at all) we could have. We've thought long and hard before doing it as I didn't want to do it lightheartedly and be hypocritcal. Then at christmas my Mum had a health scare and I found myself praying like mad she'd be ok (she is thankfully) so it kinda got me thinking.
I can see what you're all saying about making promises he won't keep.

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ja9 · 14/02/2008 21:31

hugh grants sister ( i think) asks him to be GF and he is appalled by her choice. by his own admission he is a waster and she says that she thought there was more to him than meets the eye... but he replies no, i really am that shallow.

very funny in film, perhaps not so in rl. sorry you're feeling let down

Original poster

willdaisymummy · 14/02/2008 21:35

Potpourri It really does hurt, he didn't go about saying it very well which didn't help. But when are brothers known for being soft to their sisters!!

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Original poster

willdaisymummy · 14/02/2008 21:40

ja9 I think I remember now, Hugh Grant is sat on a sofa and says something like "And when she's 18 I'll take her out, get her drunk and try to s**g her"??
My Bro is very sensible/tea total/good job tho!!

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berolina · 14/02/2008 21:43

dh turned down the godfatherships (if there's such a word) to both his brother's children, whom he is pretty close to, and to friends' new baby, because he doesn't believe. Quite right too, I think. With our friends' baby I will be at the font and dh will not (as he was not at our own ds' baptism), but will be considered unofficial godparent (perhaps mentor is a better word). Your brother can still be this, but you shouldn't force him to take part in the ceremony.

PotPourri · 14/02/2008 21:45

will daisy, apologise. I called you fallen madonna. Must do a few checks before posting in future!!

LLD · 14/02/2008 21:45

We have both ag-fathers and mothers (agnostic) and at-f&ms (atheist). Works v well.

margoandjerry · 14/02/2008 21:46

My dd is not christened (I am not religious) but she does have people I call her godparents. They are just her special people - friends who will think of her on her birthday and maybe treat a bit differently to the normal run of "children of friends" and one day be someone to call on if she needs someone.

My sisters and I were not christened either and we had godparents. It was always quite important to us. My godparents are still slightly special to me (and I'm 40). They are not just friends of my parents but are a bit more connected to me.

I think your brother is overthinking it a bit. I am definitely not religious but am thrilled that a friend asked me to be a godmother to her as yet unborn baby. She's my dd's godmother and it means a lot to her and being godmother to her new baby will mean a great deal to me too.

mollymawk · 14/02/2008 21:48

I think neither of you is being unreasonable. I quite see why you are upset but I also quite see why he has said no.
Don't forget he will still be their uncle with all the involvement that will (hopefully) bring.

Flibbertyjibbet · 14/02/2008 21:51

Good for your brother not being a hypocrite. I am lapsed Catholic and politely refused to be a friend's godmother a few years back for the same reasons. I can't stand there and make promises about something I no longer believe in.
Is there any such thing as a 'least religious' type of church?

HairyToe · 14/02/2008 21:52

My step-sister asked me to be godmother to her dd (normal Christain christening) and I'm afraid I refused for the same reasons. I'll always be there for her but a Godparent in a Christian sense is supposed to be in charge of the child's religious upbringing, guiding her spiritually towards Jesus Christ etc. As I do not really believe in God and am certainly not a Christian I couldn't say yes.

BroccoliSpears · 14/02/2008 21:54

I am godmother to my brother's child. I tried tactfully to say no but I was a bit of a wimp about it and ended up doing it so as not to upset my brother (who isn't even religeous, he just wanted to have a christening).

I hated doing it. God / church / religeon etc mean absolutely nothing to me and it was embarrassing saying a load of stuff I didn't mean in front of a load of people who really do believe it.

I imagine it took some thinking about for your bro to say no. I see why you're upset, but better for him to say now than to do it and feel as negatively about it as I did.

I wish I had said (a much firmer) no.

BroccoliSpears · 14/02/2008 21:55

Just a thought to add - if it means more to you that your brother is a godparent than it does that your brother believes in god, perhaps you would do better having a non-religeous naming ceremony?

Original poster

willdaisymummy · 14/02/2008 22:05

When I say less religious I maybe mean less traditional. I had a catholic wedding (DH is catholic) and it was an exremely religious ceremony, hymns, communion, latin, holy water being thrown etc. 3 weeks later I went to a unitarian wedding and they had Embrace playing as she walked down the aisle, it couldn't have been more different. Probably not the best example but there are different strengths of religion.

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onebatmother · 14/02/2008 22:08

completely understand your brother's position, and yours..

So - is it possible to have a humanist 'naming' ceremony?
Friends had one - was brilliant, humanist speaker talked about the child's .. damn, can't remember the word but there's a special 'humanist' word for godparents... it means representative/friend/support.

Aaaaaanyways, she talked about how the child's godparents stood up today, and would stand up for the child in the future, whenever they were needed. It was incredibly moving.

Original poster

willdaisymummy · 14/02/2008 22:16

We did speak about a naming ceremony when DS was born and DH is not keen at all, he rarely has a strong opinion so it must be serious! I wanted a tree planting ceremony so we planted a willow (for William) on our own in our front garden at our old house for him, when we sold the house we made sure the solicitors knew and there is an agreement not to dig it up!

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onebatmother · 14/02/2008 22:24

Just remembered - if you do a unitarian ceremony, then the godparents don't promise anything religious - at least not at the two I've been to at Hampstead Unitarian on Rosslyn Hill. If you like I can get the pastor's name, not sure if he's actually the resident pastor there.

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