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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell him I’m pregnant

52 replies

ConfusedMama92 · 13/04/2023 16:10

I was stealthed. That’s when a man removes the condom without telling the woman.

it’s been reported and it was a one night thing with no other contact. However I’ve now found out I’m pregnant despite taking the morning after pill.

am I being unreasonable by not telling him? He effectively sexually assaulted me and there’s no way I want a man like that in my child’s life.

OP posts:
SofiaSoFar · 13/04/2023 16:52

nopenotplaying · 13/04/2023 16:51

I'm sorry to hear this. Should you not report to the police?

She did. It's mentioned in the first post.

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 13/04/2023 16:57

Don't tell him and don't have the baby. I'm glad you've told the police. Good luck with everything.

Babycakes6 · 13/04/2023 17:13

Please don’t tell him, you and your child will forever have that awful bloke in your lives, he will dictate your lives, have a say regarding holidays, schools etc. It will unnecessarily mess up your lives, it’s hard as it is without a malevolent person having a say.

Florissante · 13/04/2023 17:14

IamnotSethRogan · 13/04/2023 16:46

Florissante I've reported your incredibly twatty post

Biscuit
slowquickstep · 13/04/2023 17:16

You may not owe that scumbag anything bit you do owe your child the truth. Do not make your child go through life without at least knowing who his other family are.

Bao · 13/04/2023 17:18

This reply has been deleted

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Well said

Bao · 13/04/2023 17:20

Some of the responses on here immediately focusing on what OP did rather than what she told us, which is that they used a condom which he removed, are frankly appalling. Be ashamed of yourselves.

nopenotplaying · 13/04/2023 17:21

Apologies I missed the part where you said you'd reported this. I hope the police are able to press charges

DeeLasVegas · 13/04/2023 17:22

This is a hard one. Obviously he is an arsehole but the child has every right to know both their parents 😏. I worry what will happen in the future when / if the child searches for their father. With DNA searches it is far easier to do.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/04/2023 17:24

This is not a father you would choose. I would think carefully before being saddled with contact with him for the next 18 years.

drpet49 · 13/04/2023 17:27

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 13/04/2023 16:57

Don't tell him and don't have the baby. I'm glad you've told the police. Good luck with everything.

This.

FuckNuggets · 13/04/2023 17:28

This reply has been deleted

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Tealsofa · 13/04/2023 17:32

ConfusedMama92 · 13/04/2023 16:50

Thank you everyone, I am completely shocked and I think a termination is probably on the cards.

I was just having a bit of fun and made sure, or so I thought, that he used protection. I understand having a one night stand isn’t for everyone

absolutely no judgement on the one night stand - your body, your choice

I would really not continue the pg though, but your personal circumstances may lead you to a different conclusion for which I also would not judge you - you do what is right for you

Lwrenagain · 13/04/2023 17:51

I'm so sorry this happened and you're in this situation.
Never speak to him again regardless of what you decide to do.

AmyandPhilipfan · 13/04/2023 18:12

I think I would have a termination in this situation. If I did have the baby I wouldn't want him to know but then you run the risk of the child feeling something was 'missing' and finding them through dna tests etc in the future and building them up to be a better person than they are then let down when they show their true colours. As hard as it would be to terminate the pregnancy, I don't think I would want any ties to that man.

TempNCforthis · 13/04/2023 18:14

I'm afraid I would definitely have a termination as soon as possible. What an awful man.

Pheefifofuckthisshit · 13/04/2023 18:20

I'm so sorry OP. What a despicable thing for him to do.

It is a very personal choice, what to do next. The reality though is he could find out, fight for contact, even end up with 50/50 contact etc. A man you barely know, who has sexually assaulted you. Constantly in your life and the child's life. That is not a situation I'd be signing up for for the next couple of decades. Not fair for me or for a child who will sense your pain/stress around this horrid person.

Yes he may never find out but he could. Particularly as you've reported him.

Take some time to consider your options. Maybe talk it over too with as many safe spaces or people as you can.

aibuaibuaibu · 13/04/2023 18:45

What an asshole.

No you don't need to tell him but I would defo let him know after you had an abortion. He's a complete dickhead who got you pregnant.

Sadly this has happened to me as well.

Mitchyp · 14/04/2023 18:30

How aweful it happened like that I will tell you my story I had a one night stand nearly 24 years ago and I got pregnant and eventually gave birth to my daughter who's just turned 23 I looked for her father for many years and finally last week I found him despite the horrific nature of what happened between you he does have a right to know and so does your child you may think oh the child won't be bothered but they are my daughter is 23 and has asked many times over the years and I was al ways honest with her I am meeting her dad this Sunday and eventually my daughter and him will meet if you don't decide to tell him or tell your child please put his details on a envelope and pass on to your child when they are say 16 or 18 so they can decide for themselves best of luck

PollyPeptide · 14/04/2023 18:50

What a terrible position to be in. What he did was awful and your feelings are totally understandable. At the same time your child has a right to know who their father is. It's not like they won't ask. It'll always be there. But, of course, he did do an awful thing to you.
I just don't know what I'd do, in all honesty. I wish you all the best in making your decision.

BCBird · 14/04/2023 18:53

Hand hold to you. What an absolute git. Fo what is best for you. Do you want a child? Take care

BreviloquentBastard · 14/04/2023 18:55

Mitchyp · 14/04/2023 18:30

How aweful it happened like that I will tell you my story I had a one night stand nearly 24 years ago and I got pregnant and eventually gave birth to my daughter who's just turned 23 I looked for her father for many years and finally last week I found him despite the horrific nature of what happened between you he does have a right to know and so does your child you may think oh the child won't be bothered but they are my daughter is 23 and has asked many times over the years and I was al ways honest with her I am meeting her dad this Sunday and eventually my daughter and him will meet if you don't decide to tell him or tell your child please put his details on a envelope and pass on to your child when they are say 16 or 18 so they can decide for themselves best of luck

Did the father of your child sexually assault you to conceive that child? If not your situations are not comparable.

OP I'm so sorry this happened to you, I hope you're ok. Give yourself some time to settle your mind, it can be so rattling to realise someone has done this to you.

TheEarlofButties · 14/04/2023 19:00

This happened to me almost 20 years ago. I told him, he was delighted and somehow I got carried along with having the baby and trying to make the best of it. The man has made my life so difficult and it’s been the worst thing in my life to see my son be hurt over and over. Back then it was just one of those things, when it all broke down his mother accused me of trapping him, when I said it was actually the opposite and explained, she said to me ‘you play with fire you get burned’.
Don’t tell him. I’m so sorry you’re in this position but so glad you have a choice. Get some support in real life that you trust, good luck x

TimeToChange111 · 14/04/2023 19:03

If you decide to report him to the police (please think about it if you can), could your pregnancy provide DNA proof that it was him?

DEtU · 14/04/2023 19:15

You absolutely do not owe that selfish a* any information at all.
What you do is entirely your choice, you don't need him interfering in your life whatever you decide.