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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel sad for a little girl being screamed at by her mum?

95 replies

morgymoo182 · 14/02/2008 21:03

Felt awful earlier, was walking into uni and saw this woman grabbing her little girl and literally screaming at the top of her voice into her ear. I nearly burst into tears at the sight. I would be horrified if anyone ever spoke to me like that, let alone this poor little girl (she must've been about 3 or 4 tops). Made me v and

OP posts:

cheeset · 15/02/2008 09:50

I thought that if you screamed directly into someones ear you could damage their ear drum?

I have never ever screamed into my kids ears but I have shouted alot at them.

Screaming is more aggressive than shouting, you 'lose it' for a moment.

I don't like to see this kinda thing

CrushWithEyeliner · 15/02/2008 10:00

I think that sounds awful tbh. I don't think there is any justification for screaming in a 3yo ear aggressively. Even a "bad day" I'm afaid. FFS she's 3, she is going to run away you just have to be patient.

colditz · 15/02/2008 10:01

In shopt, morgymoo, some people have a problem keep their temper. Children wind their parents to the limit. The very, very limit. Now, some parents' natural response may be to gently lead the child to he room and leave her there until she has calmed down. Others will say "If you shut up now I will give you a bag of sweets!" (short term very effective, long term - Jeez!), and a small proportion of parents react by physically kicking the crap out of the child.

This mother was not one of the latter, obviously. In public is when you are more likely to lost it, because of the very real risk of being judged for your parenting. If she had been a child beater, she'd have beaten her there and then.

You have no idea what just happened, you have no idea what had been happning all day, and you have no idea what motivated this woman to shout at her child the way she did, you have no idea what her voice normally sounds like, and you have no idea how the communicate normally.

If it is a 'shouty' family (I was raised in one, shouting is NOT the same as abusing, shouting is using a loud voice) the daughter will be relatively unfazed by louder shouting - I mean compared to a child raised in a 'gentle whispers and stinging remarks' family.

HonoriaGlossop · 15/02/2008 10:02

morgy I agree that screaming is different to shouting.

YANBU to think that screaming in a child's ear is inappropriate and to feel sad for the child.

HonoriaGlossop · 15/02/2008 10:04

whatever had just happened, whatever had happened all day, whatever the woman's motivation, whatever her 'normal' voice is, I think it is fair to say that screaming in a child's ear is crap and nasty

colditz · 15/02/2008 10:08

Yes it is. It is crap, and it is nasty, but I doubt it happens all day every day, which is what some people seem to be imagining.

I also doubt the mother walked off feeling really smug and great about herself either.

i feel very sorry for them both. The kid for getting the screaming, and the mother, who must have felt like a complete shit for the rest of the day/

CrushWithEyeliner · 15/02/2008 10:11

"If it is a 'shouty' family (I was raised in one, shouting is NOT the same as abusing, shouting is using a loud voice) the daughter will be relatively unfazed by louder shouting"

I'm sorry but how can any 3yo not be upset/fazed by their Mum holding them to their ear and screaming. Screaming is arresting, upsetting, startling for the recipient at best. I think that is an awful way to treat a child. I know I am judging but I just can't see how people can justify this, it's wrong.

colditz · 15/02/2008 10:12

It would not have bothered me. And that it not to say it didn't bother that child, it may well have affected her deeply - but it's not a given.

Maybe she's deaf and just ran into the road?

bluenosesaint · 15/02/2008 10:16

Crushwitheyeliner - as far as i can see, no-one is 'justifying' anything! Just trying to say that things often aren't as black and white as they may seem to an onlooker ...

Thats not to say that the mum was right ...

HonoriaGlossop · 15/02/2008 10:21

I am always amazed at the justifications people want to come up with. Some things are wrong and it's morally bankrupt to not think some things are wrong

Screaming in a child's ear is wrong

bluenosesaint · 15/02/2008 10:30

FFS no-one is justifying anything!!!

No-one has said that it isn't wrong!!!

People are merely pointing out that there are maybe circumstances that have lead up to it ...not that it was right for the mother to behave like she did!!!

Things are not as black and white as some folk may want to believe that they are.

Yes i feel heart-sorry for the poor little girl who was shouted at, but for all we know the mum is at home (or even reading this), and feeling utterly shite regretting every minute of it! And there's a hell of a good chance that she isn't trying to justify it either!

colditz · 15/02/2008 10:41

Yes, screaming in a child's ear is wrong. I have already said this. i am not justifying the mother's behavior, i am giving possible reasons for it.

Hitler's (yes I know I have by default now put myself in an indefensible position {wink]) invasion of Poland was wrong - and there were no mitigating circumstances, but the reasons he did it were many and varied. We don't refrain from talking about it just because Hitler was evil.

HonoriaGlossop · 15/02/2008 10:51

I'm seeing it as justification, when you say for all we know the mum is at home and feeling shite.

for all we know, this happens all the time and is part of a pattern of verbal abuse

We don't know so it's pointless to try to invent these justifications

All we can say is, yes it is nasty and wrong to scream in a child's ear

cory · 15/02/2008 11:09

IME the people who scream never get the best behaved kids anyway. It is easier IMO to exert effective discipline in a calm and determined manner.

You can hold a child by the hand whether they want to or not. And if they persistently try to break free, you can use reins.

But I don't want my children to learn from me that it's ok to lose your temper and scream in public. It's inconsiderate of other people and they have to learn to find other ways of expressing their feelings.

Obviously, this woman may have simply snapped at the end of a tiring morning- we all have our ups and downs. But I do see a lot of parents who can't be bothered to get up and fetch a misbehaving youngster but sit and yell at them from the other end of the bus on a daily basis. It doesn't work.

cory · 15/02/2008 11:18

I see what you mean about different families having different voices, colditz, and that is a fair point. Also, one shouldn't judge a parent from a single instance.

However, I often hear parents who are furious with their children for screaming in public- and don't seem to realise where they're learning it from. My point would be that we have no right to expect better behaviour from our children than what we model ourselves. If we are unrestrained in public, then they will be. And that will mean shouting at school for one thing. Head teachers are unlikely to show much sympathy when a child shows the same behaviour in class that his mum was modelling in the supermarket.

The child will be in a situation, from the age of 4 or 5, where they are expected to control their temper in public. Or do detention.

My other point would be that it is extremely tiring to have to share a bus with somebody from a shouty family.

I also do not belive that there is no middle ground between offering bags of sweets and shouting. Or between stingy cruel remarks and shouting.

bluenosesaint · 15/02/2008 11:28

Nope - still no justification.

What the mother did was wrong, plain wrong. I'm not saying anything to the contrary and i'm not justifying it!

"I'm seeing it as justification, when you say for all we know the mum is at home and feeling shite. "

This is not justifying. This is saying that the mother may be regretting her actions and feeling shite for doing what we all know is wrong ...

What lead her the shouting is something we can only speculate on, because as you rightly say, we don't know

Chances are that she's regretting it, chances are she's not. What happened was wrong, but we don't know what led to it. That is the point that i am trying to make. It may well have been the last straw for the mother after a really shitty day, that does not mean she was right nor does it justify her actions in any way. It may help to explain it somewhat though, no?

I totally agree that this is crappy parenting, but people in glass houses and all that ...

Those of you who have never raised your voices to your DC's, my hat is well and truly off to you.

HonoriaGlossop · 15/02/2008 11:30

well, I think it is attempting to justify it blue. We obviously have a different view.

CrushWithEyeliner · 15/02/2008 12:16

shouting is totally different to screaming in a child's ear

tortoiseSHELL · 15/02/2008 12:22

It so depends on the circumstances. I yelled at my eldest two this week, because they ran off (in a very dodgy part of town), round the corner so out of sight, because they were running to the car. They KNOW they're not supposed to go out of sight. As it happened there was trouble brewing in that area, and they ran straight through the middle of two gangs of teenagers in full flow of yelling at each other. I had visions of them being caught in cross fire (literally) and REALLY yelled at them about that. And I don't think it was unjustified. They know the rules, and they put themselves at risk by breaking them.

I don't yell that often, but to an onlooker would probably have looked as the OP describes.

Kitti · 15/02/2008 12:27

It's horrible to witness but 99% of us mums have been driven to that point. For some of us it takes alot more than for others but it's not nice to see and it's not nice to be the one who has been reduced to the screaming old hag in the street!!!! I have really been pushed to the edge with my kids at times and managed to remain calm and composed and other times the smallest little thing has completely set me off and of course I feel terrible afterwards - doesn't seem to stop the kids though! They never learn and I never learn but 20 years down the line they'll still be another mother in the exact same situation. The problem is too many people see shouting and smacking as abuse and the real abuse is hidden behind closed doors - sometimes by people you would never suspect. Not that shouting and smacking is acceptable - it's just normal. I'd rather scream in my child's ear than have her run into the road and get hit by a car because she's not doing as she's told or turning my back for 2 seconds and then finding she's disappeared. She might be upset I've shouted and I'll be upset I've shouted but so long as I've got her hand and she's still alive that's all I care about.

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