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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel sad for a little girl being screamed at by her mum?

95 replies

morgymoo182 · 14/02/2008 21:03

Felt awful earlier, was walking into uni and saw this woman grabbing her little girl and literally screaming at the top of her voice into her ear. I nearly burst into tears at the sight. I would be horrified if anyone ever spoke to me like that, let alone this poor little girl (she must've been about 3 or 4 tops). Made me v and

OP posts:

Vacua · 14/02/2008 22:02

I don't see how shouting in the situation you describe BBM could do anything but good. I've got some shouty shouty shouty friends and the whole family communicates their frustrations like that and it's all quite healthy and normal for them. The children have grown into lovely young adults and certainly aren't traumatised by it.

People tutting at you in public is something I had so much of with my middle child, a real screamer and houdini, and it added so much unnecessary distress to my already difficult days. I don't know why they do it. They should try coping with it for a few days and see how amazingly superior they feel then!

Everyone is different but there's something about the image in the first post, an adult shouting loudly directly into a small child's ear, that makes me feel a bit sick.

BigBadMouse · 14/02/2008 22:06

Thanks Vacua , it was months ago now but thinking about it still upsets me but then I am a miserable, depressing sod at the mo - think I'll go wake the DDs up and shout at them, that'll make me feel better

Vacua · 14/02/2008 22:12

I think shouting is probably more constructive and less damaging than sitting on the floor, crying, which I remember doing LOTS when I had two babies. Well one baby and one toddler.

Original poster

morgymoo182 · 14/02/2008 22:47

Ok I kinda regret starting this thread now!
I know people will think this is odd, but hopefully someone will understand - you know when you can just 'tell' this is a regular occurence?
To be fair, I think she was probably a bit stressed out. Though I don't know the circumstances.
I should probably point out that I didn't tut or anything! It was really busy and she probably didn't even see me.
As for saying something to the mother - I'd never tell someone my views on their parenting, even tho I did think this was a bit extreme.

Not on valium!

OP posts:

SpiritualKnot · 14/02/2008 23:02

I hear some mums speaking to their kids in horrible ways when I pick up my daughter from school "hurry up you f..in fat cow" springs to mind. I can never believe it when it happens.

I look at these parents sometimes and they really don't think they're doing anything wrong, they probably think everyone does that.

I feel so sorry for morgymoo, seeing things like that make you feel so helpless really, you could hardly go punch the woman on the nose. If the woman is doing that in public you can better she's doing it most of the time at home too. Poor kid, she'll be used to it too sadly.

People are very quick to excuse this kind of behaviour but it's not acceptable.

LyraSilvertongue · 14/02/2008 23:05

That's shocking spiritualknot. How can anyone think it's ok to speak to their child like that?

SpiritualKnot · 14/02/2008 23:06

I don't know
SK

colditz · 14/02/2008 23:07

Sorry, no, Bullpats.

Parents are much more likely to explode in a busy high street than in their own home that is safe and set up just for them. Seeing a child being shouted at, once, is NOT an indication of horrible treatment at home. What an over-reaction!

soopermum1 · 14/02/2008 23:22

i think where safety is concerned, like the incident mamazon described it is natural to shout/yell, hell, even scream at a child if they've had a near miss. my mum did it once when i nearly got knocked down she screamed at me then burst into tears.

lots of high emotions and events lead up to yelling at children, some of them justified, some not, but as you only saw this small snatch of what was going on, you don't really know what was going on.

BigBadMouse · 14/02/2008 23:24

If the OP had heard the woman say something like SK mentions I'm sure she would have mentioned that in her post.

Shouting at your children is not good I agree, but shouting 'hurry up you f'ing fat cow' is disgusting IMO and when the child is 12 she'll probably be shouting the same back to her mum so it will be happy families all round for them I guess.

I really do agree with Colditz though - what the OP states she witnessed is not an indication that the child is being abused at home.

Rhubarb · 14/02/2008 23:24

I always check the OP of these threads wondering if someone on MN has finally shopped me!

I've screamed at my kids in public before now, especially if they've done something dangerously stupid. That little girl could have just run into the road for all we know.

I would think "poor hassled mum" and probably go up and ask the mum if she's ok. Not the little girl mind, but the mum. Sometimes the kindness of a stranger is all it takes.

BigBadMouse · 14/02/2008 23:28

Hear Hear Rhubarb, what mums need is support not uninformed judgement (OP - not saying that is what you are doing - from what I can tell you said you were sad to see it happen not that the mum was being a bad mum)

aefondkiss · 14/02/2008 23:35

I am a shouty mum, judge me if you must!

genlay · 14/02/2008 23:52

YANBU morgymoo182 and don't regret starting this thread - you were concerned. I don't know when it is ever ok to yell into a childs ear while grabbing them. I also think it's possible that this was a good mum having a bad day.
I HATE to see this sort of thing and worse like someone smacking and feel that I'm "turning a blind eye" if I just walk away and ignore but I have learnt that telling a parent what to do or not do with their child doesn't work and just annoys them more. My approach is a little more subtle eg. a couple a months ago I saw a lady who had been trying to get her daughter into a trolley start hitting her repeatedly. The girl was straigtening her legs in that way that makes you exhausted from holding them up and look ridiculous. She started smacking her repeatedly. I was horrified but just walked over and helped her get the girl in the trolley (she relaxed straight away with a stranger) and smiled at the mum and said "they really know how to push your buttons don't they but you're a good girl for helping mummy" the lady said thank you and calmed down straight away. She was a little embarrassed but I believe she was just frustrated. Hopefully I gave her the idea that what she was doing wasn't ok but I wasn't judging her and was happy to help.
Maybe in your situation if you thought things were getting out of hand you could talk to the mum "would you like me to hold one of the DC's hands while we cross the road, you look like you have your hands full" or something like that.
Every time I have done it the person envolved has calmed down.

gomez · 14/02/2008 23:57

Genlay - I have 3 children, have been Mumsnetting for nearly 5 years and that has to be one of the most patronising fecking posts I have ever read.

And trust me there have been a few.

violetskies · 14/02/2008 23:59

I really know how you feel, a couple of months ago my Nanna and I followed a Mam and little girl out of the doctors. The little girl looked awfully ill and the Mam was dragging her so that she would move faster, then she screamed (is there a louder word!) to her little one to, "move your fking arse you stupid fking c**t". I was so shocked I was speachless. My Nanna on the other hand ripped that lady to pieces. By which point I was petrified ... for my Nanna AND the little girl, all I could think was either my Nanna would have a stroke, or the Mother (who was really angry) would thump her. I wish to god my Nanna had said nothing, even 2 months later I wonder if the little girl got more hell when the Mother and daughter were home. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't imo.

BigBadMouse · 14/02/2008 23:59

gomez

BigBadMouse · 15/02/2008 00:02

ARRGHHHHH!!!! The OP does not make any mention of swearing being invloved so what you describe is not the same violetskies.

violetskies · 15/02/2008 00:05

I stand corrected bbm. I do apologise.

BananaPudding · 15/02/2008 00:07

YANBU to feel concerned. Yes, you never know the whole situation or what went before, but it's never pleasant to see a child being screamed at.

I had the initial worry that this thread was about me; I live in a small town in the US but a mum who has a dd at my dd's school has said several things that make me think she may be a mnetter. Yesterday I lost my temper with dd in the car (stopped at a light) and really shouted, which is so unusual for me and I was so embarrassed at my behaviour. The car windows were closed but I am sure my facial expression was a sight and anyone looking would know I was shouting at the backseat. I immediately felt like shit and apologized to dd for yelling. When we got home we sat down and discussed her behaviour and mine, and what we each needed to change about it. I forgave dd for being SO rude to me, and she forgave me for shouting and making her cry .

But any bystander would only have seen me angry and shouting, and have no idea what would happen when we got home or that it was not usual behaviour for me. They would only be (rightfully so) shocked and sad at what they saw.

And sadly, I feel the need to qualify the fact that we drive the school run by explaining that we live five miles out of the town

Desiderata · 15/02/2008 00:12

morgymoo, I understand your anxiety about what happened, but we do need to ask you again.

Do you have children? You mention that you were walking into uni, so I've a hunch that you don't have any yet (could be wrong).

Believe me, if your kid runs into the road, you fucking shout at them. You scream at them. There is not a fear that compares with it. Are you sure that what you saw was a pattern of behaviour, or just an example of parental hysteria?

Original poster

morgymoo182 · 15/02/2008 00:42

I don't have children No. ( Somehow sensing everybody saying "Ahh that explains!")

But as a human being cannot understand why a mother would be so verbally violent toward her child. I don't know.
There's nothing I can do about it now. Thread was just me wondering if it was something most mothers did or no. I thought it was unusual, and have rarely seen it happen. Surely there's a better way of dealing with a misbehaving child than screaming in their ear?

Again, (don't know how many times I have to reiterate this!) I was not judging the mother!! I just felt sad for the little girl!

OP posts:

Original poster

morgymoo182 · 15/02/2008 00:44

FWIW, I understand that it's necessary to shout at children - but screaming is something completely different.

OP posts:

bluenosesaint · 15/02/2008 09:33

"Again, (don't know how many times I have to reiterate this!) I was not judging the mother!! I just felt sad for the little girl!"

Nobody has said that YABU for feeling sad at the little girl morgymoo. I think people are just trying to ensure that you understand that sometimes there are reasons for this sort of carry-on. Not justifications, just circumstances that lead to it. Circumstances that are most likely hugely regretted ...

bluenosesaint · 15/02/2008 09:34

for the little girl

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