To think that it’s my own fault that I look haggard

[Chromer]

Hi. I turn 41 next month. I’m autistic and despite having dc and their needs having always been met I’ve basically neglected myself over the years eg health, diet, mental health, self care and unfortunately after years of being told I told I look young for my age, the self neglect has finally caught up with me and I look haggard. I’ve only myself to blame I know that and my only defence is I didn’t know and still don’t really know how to look after myself especially when it comes to some aspects of personal care eg skin routines. I know that probably sounds ridiculous as I have 2 dc, one of whom is also autistic and their needs have always been met in terms of their care, health, emotional development etc so I am capable. It’s more that I haven’t had the energy to look after myself as I concentrated all my energy into caring for them.

But the problem now is I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. Since turning 40 I have developed so many wrinkles, loads around my eyes, forehead, and since I’ve been losing weight (I’m technically just in the obese category) I look even worse. I don’t care that I have some loose skin on my boobs arms and tummy as there is only me and my dh who see them but my face I cannot hide and the way I feel about myself had knocked my self confidence which I didn’t have much of in the first place.

Previously I’ve never been all about my appearance but maybe that was because i didn’t need to be as even in my late 30’s I looked young so as long as I was clean and tidy I was happy but the last year or two I’ve aged rapidly and I swear every time I look in the mirror I can see a new wrinkle. If only I could go back 20 years and see into the future I wouldn’t have ever smoked (packed in two years ago) I’d have forced myself to eat healthy foods even though I can’t stand most (sensory issues surrounding food) ad I’d have taken advice about skin care and started using products early on to help limit the signs of ageing. I’m still hopeless when it comes to skin care as I don’t know which type of products to use but I make sure my face is cleansed properly, I use SPF way more than I used to and I use a day/night wrinkle cream but AIBU to think it’s to little to late now and nothing will undo the damage I’ve done to myself?

go to a beauty counter and ask for advice lots of boots have an "the ordinary" counter their products are great and reasonable. i just did it in kehils and i have noticed the difference in my skin

Yeah I suppose I could although I get a bit anxious in shops usually.

I have always looked young but am coming upto 41 and feel I have aged practically overnight! For me I think it’s definitively been post Covid. I notice a huge improvement when I stay away from wine, increase my water intake and run regularly. I wouldn’t know where to start with skincare I just use body shop vitamin e night cream and clinique moisturiser and not sure if it makes a difference or not!

Oh I think a good hair cut and colour makes a huge difference too but I can rarely afford them these days!

I agree with you on the hair but I haven’t had mine cut/coloured for almost 2 years now. I take my dc for their hair cut every couple of months but I can’t stand sitting in a hairdressers for over 2 hours making small talk with the stylist and 9 times out of 10 I’m not happy with the end result. Plus like you said it’s expensive now isn’t it and I’d rather spend the money on my dc.

Drink tons of water

Early nights

More veg

Fake tan

Only wear colours that suit you

I think a little effort can go a long way to haggardifying oneself.

Some hydrating skincare, some glowy primer, a bb cream and a dab of blusher and you'll feel so much better.

Well done on kicking the fags, losing weight, and bringing up two kids! That's a lot.

It doesn’t take 2hrs to get your hair cut. 30-45 mins at most places. Go & get it sorted.

Colour takes time. It also makes biggest difference to me. If I can see my grey I feel haggard.Could you explain to hairdresser you want to have some quiet time/take a book.

Yeah I’m definitely up for putting the effort in to try and feel better about myself but I don’t know where to start. I’m peri menopausal and on anti depressants but they don’t seem to be helping so most days I feel rubbish as in no energy but I’ll definitely try. Problem is I am rubbish with things like skin care and make up so I’ve no does what I’d do with things like primer and I’ve had disasters over the years with blusher. I’m hopeless and swear I should have been a man lol.

When I said two hours i meant for a wash cut blow dry and a colour. Which has always taken two hours for me.

De-haggardifying yourself, I assume? That's a great expression.

Dye your own hair? I use eSalon, they're very good.
Lots of water.
Good food 80% of the time.
Simple stretching exercises like gentle yoga to get blood moving.
Good multivitamin with cod liver oil.
Gentle daily cleansing and moisturising. Doesn't have to be fancy. Just clean and nourish.
SPF.
Relax! People age at different rates. You're still young.

Other than Botox and filler, which Ive never tried personally the only thing that helps reduce/ improve the appearance of wrinkles is retinol. I use a skin+me as they can prescribe a high strength of retinol (Tretinoin) that can't be bought over the counter. It really helps my skin look it's best. Then I make sure I wear SPF 50 everyday. I think as others have said hair cut/style colour can really help. Grey hair is aging, and generally longer hair looks more youthful. You can use this link to try skin+me for free for a month if you want to try it, it's just £3.50 for p&p www.skinandme.com/?promocode=LAURENS5YP3

After always being quite youthful, I'm ageing now in my late 30s.
If you don't like hairdressers (I don't, and I hate the expense) could you trim your hair yourself? I do and it makes me feel better.
Also superdrug own eye cream is great, Charlotte Tilbury is also fab, but expensive. Lots of water. The key thing is to get enough sleep. I know how hard this is but it's the best tip there is!

Get yourself some Erborian cc cream. You don't need any makeup skills, you can just rub it in with your fingers. It has a blurring, filter like effect on the skin without being a heavy foundation. Very skin like. And buy a blush stick from Milk or Makeup Reovlution and just do one swipe over the cheeks and again use your fingers to blend it in.

Sleep is a major issues for me. I average 5 hours a night. This is partly due to peri menopause (hot sweats), me being a light sleeper and my idiotic neighbours who nag around at night or have loud parties.

ooops, yes!

haggardifying oneself involves less emphasis on skincare and more emphasis on booze, drugs and dodgy liaisons with men with loose morals!

Out of interest, are you hypermobile? Theres a strong link with autism and people often look younger with it. I could have written your post. I don’t have ASD but my kids do, and up until my early 40s I looked young. Then hello perimenopause and I’ve aged overnight.

Ive just had a colour and shape analysis - these can be done online, and it’s given me more confidence to start shopping better for myself. Like you, I don’t have tons of spare cash, but a few well chosen items from Vinted have freshened up my look and made me feel more youthful.

Retinol, gua sha twice a day, face yoga exercises on You Tube. Spf50. You must be consistent with all these things to make a change. HRT for the sleep!

Yes I’m hypermobile. My ds is too and he looks about 3-4 years younger in his face.

I have a facial with a beautician every 6 months or so. They’d be able to advise on skin products too. I go to one in her house not a fancy salon. Skin care wise I use cerave off Amazon or Nivea.

It sounds like a great achievement and so good for you health to lose weight if you were obese. I would focus more on your inner wellbeing at the moment - happiness can make you look radiant and a smile is like an instant facelift. Take the time to take care of yourself mentally and maybe start doing some things for yourself that you've always wanted, like a new hobby?

I’ve got a lot better with SPF but the last couple of years it’s like my skin is immune to it and I burn really easily. For instance last week i took my son out for the afternoon. I wore SPF even though it was only 13-14 degrees and I came home with what looked like sun burn. It was the same last summer too. I was applying a top brand SPF50 like every half an hour and I still burned. I’m not a red head or particularly fair skinned either so it doesn’t make sense.

haggardifying
I think this is my new favourite word!