To think that it’s my own fault that I look haggard

[Chromer]

Hi. I turn 41 next month. I’m autistic and despite having dc and their needs having always been met I’ve basically neglected myself over the years eg health, diet, mental health, self care and unfortunately after years of being told I told I look young for my age, the self neglect has finally caught up with me and I look haggard. I’ve only myself to blame I know that and my only defence is I didn’t know and still don’t really know how to look after myself especially when it comes to some aspects of personal care eg skin routines. I know that probably sounds ridiculous as I have 2 dc, one of whom is also autistic and their needs have always been met in terms of their care, health, emotional development etc so I am capable. It’s more that I haven’t had the energy to look after myself as I concentrated all my energy into caring for them.

But the problem now is I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. Since turning 40 I have developed so many wrinkles, loads around my eyes, forehead, and since I’ve been losing weight (I’m technically just in the obese category) I look even worse. I don’t care that I have some loose skin on my boobs arms and tummy as there is only me and my dh who see them but my face I cannot hide and the way I feel about myself had knocked my self confidence which I didn’t have much of in the first place.

Previously I’ve never been all about my appearance but maybe that was because i didn’t need to be as even in my late 30’s I looked young so as long as I was clean and tidy I was happy but the last year or two I’ve aged rapidly and I swear every time I look in the mirror I can see a new wrinkle. If only I could go back 20 years and see into the future I wouldn’t have ever smoked (packed in two years ago) I’d have forced myself to eat healthy foods even though I can’t stand most (sensory issues surrounding food) ad I’d have taken advice about skin care and started using products early on to help limit the signs of ageing. I’m still hopeless when it comes to skin care as I don’t know which type of products to use but I make sure my face is cleansed properly, I use SPF way more than I used to and I use a day/night wrinkle cream but AIBU to think it’s to little to late now and nothing will undo the damage I’ve done to myself?

If you're peri-menopausal then your GP should have talked to you about HRT and tried that before giving you anti-depressants. You're not depressed, you're peri-menopausal! Have a google around, check out Dr Louise Newson's work, and see if any of that makes sense to you.

Water, lots of water.
Sleep - HRT will help with this.
Hair - who do you take your DCs to? Do they know your DCs are autistic? Could you book yourself in and say 'actually I have ASD too, I'd much prefer to not chatter?' - might actually be a relief for the stylist to have a couple of hours off the small talk train, I don't know how they do it really.

Thats partly the problem though I’m not happy in myself and haven’t been for a long time now. Every day i mask so I come across as happy but deep down I’m not. I do try and stay positive mostly and I’m lucky that I have a good husband and amazing dc but life has been far from easy these last few years even more so since I started peri menopause.

Sorry I should have said I am on HRT now. It has helped improve most of my symptoms eg itchy skin, brain fog, irritability, headaches, joint pain but it hasn’t really helped with anxiety and low mood.

A lot of the haggard will be down to lack of sleep and daily misery. It can be turned around. You don't need products for this.

I try to sleep better I really do but it’s like once I’m awake that’s it’s. I’m up at 5am most mornings including weekends and once I’m up and up. I live in a noisy street eg kids who play out until late and I’m their gardens first thing of a morning and I have inconsiderate neighbours who party and wake me up (I’ve reported them) and I can’t move house as I can’t afford to so I’m stuck.

Bless you OP you sound very hard on yourself.

I also have hypermobility and have got used to people thinking I am many years younger than I am. I would hate to have that change, even though I know it’s vain.

It’s absolutely not too late to start looking after your skin, and tbh, whilst you were smoking, what’s the point? You don’t need to spend a fortune, go to your local Superdrug or Boots and try out some things. The experts on MUMSNET Style and Beauty forum should be able to help.

Agree with sleep. I go by the mantra that every hour before midnight counts as two hours after. I am usually reading in bed by 9pm. Water helps massively.

I also agree that if you can bear to sit in the chair for a cut, and colour hair yourself, that will also make you feel better.

Good luck!

You mentioned losing weight, well done, but if it's a very fast extreme weight loss method it can do this to the face and neck and the older you are when you lose a lot of weight fast the more it impacts you but it usually gets better and tightens a little within a year or two of stabilising the weight.
Other than that if your diet is rubbish and you have vit deficiencies like iron it can make us look and feel haggard. If you've been drinking alcohol or smoking that also doesn't help.

Most women at 41 look haggard so I wouldn’t stress it. The ones who have Botox and fuller treatments look like they just arrived on earth on a space ship. Not to disrespect Victoria Beckham because she is a hard working Mum and she works out a lot and she keeps her weight down however, some unfiltered pictures of her in the daily mail made me realize no matter how much money you have or what you pump into your face you still end up looking your age or your age with an added weird Botox filler complexion. Look within for self love and of course moisturize and exercise and keep the weight off but you’re never going to look anything other than your age or thereabouts.

Another one with joint hypermobility here, not diagnosed adhd officially but my close friends would diagnose me in a heartbeat! My son has been diagnosed asd since 3. Just turned 43 and fortunately the haggard hasn't hit me quite yet! Despite also losing 4 stone since last May, I was actually asked for ID for vape liquid back in February!!! Although I quit the fags about 10 years ago I still vape. I don't even know how, the only thing I do have is bags for life under my eyes!

Plenty water
Retinol
Collagen
Exfoliating
Sleep (if your kids let you!)

I actually fancied a deep chemical peel for some small lines and some blemishes, and I think this year I may treat myself!

Keep at it :)

You said you have started to use moisturiser. Are you using one with retinol added as this will cause your skin to burn more easily. I thinknyou are supposed to use it at night only and a sun block/stay out of the sun in the day.

Are you on any medication that has a side effect of increasing the chance of sun burn - some does. I would think there is a reason you are increasingly catching the sun and you need to cover up and use sun block.

Take a multi vit or at least vitamin D if you aren't getting sun exposure. If in doubt check with your doctor.

You will get a lot of tips about specific products which I don't think you need.

• Washing your face with hot water a proper flannel (more important than the products you use but a 'cleansing balm' type thing would be good) and a decent moisturiser will help especially if you're starting from doing nothing. You don't need to spend a fortune.
• Drink water.
• Try and get a haircut that you can style in 5-10 minutes. A fringe can work wonders (hides forehead wrinkles, plus you don't need as much makeup).
• I'd also look a finding "uniform" type clothes which always work. All the mums round me wear stripy tops, dungarees and birkenstocks and it's a bit of a cliche but it's also totally fine as a look. Be mindful of your sensory issues and what works for you but have some go-to colours and fabrics.

Could the ‘sunburn’ on your face be rosacea? That’s another of my delightful peri symptoms. Windy weather seems to aggravate it.

I’d second the retinol, 100%.
Start with something milder, like this one from The Ordinary. Apply it at night, before bed and apply a good moisturiser afterwards.

A chemical exfoliator will help keep your skin clear and smooth and helps even put skin tone. I’d recommend either Mandelic Acid from The Ordinary or 2% BHA by Paula’s Choice.

Anything with Vitamin C will help to brighten your skin and get it glowing again.

you might be allergic to the suncream or have rosacea? You honestly don’t need to make that much effort to feel better, just a few minutes a day.

moisturise and spf everyday. Doesn’t need to be fancy, Nivea is good.
sheet mask once or twice a week, look for hydrating masks that contain hyaluronic acid.
Trim & dye your hair. I cut my own hair, I hate the hairdressers.
get your eyebrows threaded and/or dyed if they need it.
find out your colours. Sounds old fashioned but really works. I see a lot of winter people wearing beige and it just drains the life out of their face. You might look great in burnt orange or pale blue. It’s not too hard to work out.
Makeup is your best friend. Seriously. Watch some youtube tutorials, look for ‘simple everyday makeup’. In the meantime, mascara and a tinted lip oil can go a long way and they’re a piece of piss to apply.