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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating a sex offender (not me!)

36 replies

hairychinsrus · 13/04/2023 12:08

Someone I am close to is "dating" a sec offender who is in prison. Writes every day, goes to see him in his special prison Envy
I won't go into details but it was a conviction against his ex partner
My friend has days the ex partner was out to get him etc etc just awful victim shaming and she's joined a Facebook group for eves and girlfriends of prisoners, just normalising the whole bloody thing
I am absolutely appalled and disappointed this is an intelligent woman or so I thought
I want to stay close to her in order that I can support. I cannot find it in my to think this is normal and she's only going to end up in exactly the same position as his victim
I'm unable to talk to anyone IRL so I needed to get it off my chest and get some others opinions, I've been very clear on where I stand with this and my thoughts on him

OP posts:
Original poster
hairychinsrus · 13/04/2023 12:11

Sorry terrible grammar on phone and it's autocorrected I hope you get the gist

OP posts:
Lwrenagain · 13/04/2023 12:53

For some reason, some people are hellbent on not just ignoring advice and red flags from other women, but also believing they know better than the professionals who have convicted them.

I love my friends dearly and have stuck through them during some very bad times, but if one was to actively seek a relationship with a man in prison for sexual offenses, I'd be done.

LadyJ2023 · 13/04/2023 13:22

Are you seriously saying your staying close to be there for her...Um ok but no way would I be with someone dating a sex offender. If that was a friend I would explain clearly why we would no longer be friends and that would be it. By supporting her your agreeing with the relationship

lunar1 · 13/04/2023 13:25

I just couldn't support this person, it takes a hell of a big crime to land somebody in jail for domestic violence or a sex offence. Conviction rates are appalling.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 13/04/2023 13:57

I can’t get it, I’m related to someone in prison for sex offences and his gf is sticking by him, he’s moving in when he comes out. I think she’s a fool.

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 13/04/2023 14:11

I would have to tell her how I felt, how I absolutely did not agree with it, how it is so hard to get rape to court, let alone a conviction for it so the evidence must have been compelling, that she’s a complete fool for blaming the rape victim over him, that there is no one more loving than a man stuck inside a prison, and that I was unable to support her or the relationship.

However, I’d tell her I would be there when it goes totally tits up, if she’s able to see it for what it is.

JMSA · 13/04/2023 14:12

Keeping everything crossed that she doesn't have children ...

Coffeellama · 13/04/2023 14:13

Why stay close to her when she doesn’t value your opinion? She’s never going to listen to you, you are just setting yourself up for more distress and ultimately being friends with someone who is victim blaming a woman who’s been sexually assaulted. Step away from her.

Original poster
hairychinsrus · 13/04/2023 14:14

Thanks for your responses. I'm torn between cutting off our relationship and thinking that she will just become another victim at some point and wanting to be there.
I cannot agree with her choices but to remove her from my life gives him in a way even more control over the situation. I can't help but share my thoughts on it with her and hope that maybe one day those rose coloured glasses of delirium will come off

OP posts:
Original poster
hairychinsrus · 13/04/2023 14:15

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 13/04/2023 14:11

I would have to tell her how I felt, how I absolutely did not agree with it, how it is so hard to get rape to court, let alone a conviction for it so the evidence must have been compelling, that she’s a complete fool for blaming the rape victim over him, that there is no one more loving than a man stuck inside a prison, and that I was unable to support her or the relationship.

However, I’d tell her I would be there when it goes totally tits up, if she’s able to see it for what it is.

Yes this is how I think I have to play it
She's just becoming another victim but can't see it

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 13/04/2023 14:17

The rose coloured glasses won’t come off. So when he leaves prison 1 of 2 things will most likely happen. 1) you refuse to interact with this guy and she ultimately ditches you because she’s torn between the two. 2) you carry on staying close to protect her and ultimately end up pretending to be friends with the sex offender, socialising with him and becoming part of the problem. I think you need to be realistic about to to minimise hurt to yourself OP.

Coffeellama · 13/04/2023 14:18

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 13/04/2023 14:11

I would have to tell her how I felt, how I absolutely did not agree with it, how it is so hard to get rape to court, let alone a conviction for it so the evidence must have been compelling, that she’s a complete fool for blaming the rape victim over him, that there is no one more loving than a man stuck inside a prison, and that I was unable to support her or the relationship.

However, I’d tell her I would be there when it goes totally tits up, if she’s able to see it for what it is.

I agree with this also. I wouldn’t be active friends with her during the interim while the 2 of them are together.

Clarinet1 · 13/04/2023 14:24

To me, how long he’s likely to be inside would be an important factor. He can’t do much to her while he’s in prison but when he gets out it’s a different story.
I do think you should be very clear that you think she is at risk of all kinds of abuse if the relationship continues. When the man comes out have as little to do with him as you can but be there for her if/when it goes wrong.

Original poster
hairychinsrus · 13/04/2023 14:26

Coffeellama · 13/04/2023 14:17

The rose coloured glasses won’t come off. So when he leaves prison 1 of 2 things will most likely happen. 1) you refuse to interact with this guy and she ultimately ditches you because she’s torn between the two. 2) you carry on staying close to protect her and ultimately end up pretending to be friends with the sex offender, socialising with him and becoming part of the problem. I think you need to be realistic about to to minimise hurt to yourself OP.

Good advice. I could not and would not socialise with a sex offender. Absolutely no bloody way I'm hoping it would of run out by then I think he was sentenced for 3 years

OP posts:
webster1987 · 13/04/2023 14:28

I completely agree that sharing your thoughts and concerns is the right thing to do as a friend.

If he is in prison for sexual offences against an ex-partner, is this only what he has told her or has she spoken to any professionals involved in his case? Depending on when he is being released, he will have been allocated a probation officer with the local office to where he was living at the time of conviction. They will almost certainly impose a licence condition that requires him to disclose any relationships and they will absolutely want to know how this. They will want to speak to her and ensure she is safeguarded as much as possible, although ultimately she is an adult and able to make her own choices. Does she have any children?

I would also strongly advise a 'Claire's Law' and a 'Sarah's Law' application made to police. Claires law asks police what domestic abuse concerns there are related to an individual and Sarah's law does the same but for sexual offences. I'd be wanting both and the Police probably hold a lot of evidence of a pattern of domestic abuse within the relationship with the victim of sexual offence. This might help your friend challenge her beliefs on the victim making it up!

Greensleevevssnotnose · 13/04/2023 14:28

Call me naive but how do these people ( the offender) get access to people like your friend? Surely they don't have phones or internet access?

Saschka · 13/04/2023 14:34

These “relationships” don’t tend to survive the guy being released - because he’ll dump her. It passes the time for him, he probably has a few girls on the go. Once he’s released he’ll go back to his previous life and have no further use for her.

colddrytoast · 13/04/2023 14:40

Your friend won't be the only delusional woman this sex offender is romancing. There is no man on earth too vile for some woman, somewhere, to find attractive. How depressing. I would be gone for now if I were you but, as PP said upthread, there to help once she sees the light. Nothing you say will get through right now, she is "in love" and wont be able to hear you. Anyway, she is different! He won't treat her like that! And she thinks somehow she is safe as she has befriended the beast...

Lostinalibrary · 13/04/2023 14:42

I know of someone who did this - he was banged up for offences against a minor. She blamed the teenager and he was an innocent in prison. Absolutely bizarre behaviour.

Northernsouloldies · 13/04/2023 15:33

She will be shunned in no time on the fb prison wife /girl friend forum as sex offender partners are despised just as they are in prison.

TheVanguardSix · 13/04/2023 15:41

How did she even find herself in this position? She sought this situation out. She’s chosen to have a relationship with a sick and dangerous individual. She’s enabling this abuser and turning a blind eye to the abhorrence of his crimes. He is in prison because he will have been convicted of a heinous crime (with hard evidence to back up the guilty verdict), not because his nasty ex flimflammed him. Sex Offenders also like to write books entitled WAAAH!

Do yourself a favour OP. Don’t don the I’m With Stupid t-shirt you’ll be forced to wear if you maintain this twisted friendship (not of your doing!).
I have no sympathy for adults making terrible choices. Protect yourself from toxic people.

My ex is in prison for sexually abusing a minor. I always say, I’ll never be able to date again because of what he did. But he’ll remarry! Mark my words.

Original poster
hairychinsrus · 13/04/2023 15:59

Just to add and I'm not sure it makes much of a difference but she met him before he was convicted

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 13/04/2023 16:05

If you remain friends to support her do you realise that some day in the future she will turn up for a drink/coffee with him in tow. Do you want to sit and chat with a sex offender ?

TheVanguardSix · 13/04/2023 16:09

hairychinsrus · 13/04/2023 15:59

Just to add and I'm not sure it makes much of a difference but she met him before he was convicted

And his conviction didn’t change her mind? Says a lot.

TheVanguardSix · 13/04/2023 16:18

He’ll be out in 3 years… on license?
You don’t want to be supporting ANY of this. Don’t let your groomed friend groom you into thinking it’s all good. Sex offenders are abusers who groom and deceive in various ways, most of which do not involve committing sexual offences. They are hardwired to manipulate, groom, and seek sympathy. They are victims in their own minds. It’s everyone else’s fault. They never own their shit. They are good and pretending they do but they blame the ex, their victim, their mum, their dog. The mask constantly slips and you will see the deceit. Your friend ignores it at her peril. But you don’t need to warn her. She’s not stupid. She’s making her choice. A bad choice. And prison reinforces the sex offender’s victim blaming. They don’t get therapy in prison. It’s prison. Not rehabilitation.