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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating a sex offender (not me!)

36 replies

hairychinsrus · 13/04/2023 12:08

Someone I am close to is "dating" a sec offender who is in prison. Writes every day, goes to see him in his special prison Envy
I won't go into details but it was a conviction against his ex partner
My friend has days the ex partner was out to get him etc etc just awful victim shaming and she's joined a Facebook group for eves and girlfriends of prisoners, just normalising the whole bloody thing
I am absolutely appalled and disappointed this is an intelligent woman or so I thought
I want to stay close to her in order that I can support. I cannot find it in my to think this is normal and she's only going to end up in exactly the same position as his victim
I'm unable to talk to anyone IRL so I needed to get it off my chest and get some others opinions, I've been very clear on where I stand with this and my thoughts on him

OP posts:
2bazookas · 13/04/2023 16:42

Supposedly, the most infamous criminals receive a huge fan mail post bag from women they never met, who know what they did.... and want to be his GF.

Incomprehensible to me.

Original poster
hairychinsrus · 13/04/2023 17:33

TheVanguardSix · 13/04/2023 16:18

He’ll be out in 3 years… on license?
You don’t want to be supporting ANY of this. Don’t let your groomed friend groom you into thinking it’s all good. Sex offenders are abusers who groom and deceive in various ways, most of which do not involve committing sexual offences. They are hardwired to manipulate, groom, and seek sympathy. They are victims in their own minds. It’s everyone else’s fault. They never own their shit. They are good and pretending they do but they blame the ex, their victim, their mum, their dog. The mask constantly slips and you will see the deceit. Your friend ignores it at her peril. But you don’t need to warn her. She’s not stupid. She’s making her choice. A bad choice. And prison reinforces the sex offender’s victim blaming. They don’t get therapy in prison. It’s prison. Not rehabilitation.

Yes he will be out in license ont he offenders register and his victim has taken out a restraining order
Obviously not guilty in any way Hmm

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 13/04/2023 17:37

Greensleevevssnotnose · 13/04/2023 14:28

Call me naive but how do these people ( the offender) get access to people like your friend? Surely they don't have phones or internet access?

They do indeed have phones in their cells. And if face to face visits can’t be organised then video calls can (supervised of course)

MabelMoo23 · 13/04/2023 17:37

Does your friend have children? If so, social services take a very dim view of women with children becoming involved with a sex offender

Original poster
hairychinsrus · 13/04/2023 17:41

No children, well past 18 anyway one I think is 16?

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 13/04/2023 17:52

I’m so sorry OP. I realise that I might come across as berating YOU! Not the case at all. I just can’t believe your friend would pursue this winner! Why?? You must be asking that same question endlessly.

Original poster
hairychinsrus · 13/04/2023 17:58

TheVanguardSix · 13/04/2023 17:52

I’m so sorry OP. I realise that I might come across as berating YOU! Not the case at all. I just can’t believe your friend would pursue this winner! Why?? You must be asking that same question endlessly.

No I didn't think that at all!
I'm honestly trying to get my head around it all, I can't understand how someone I thought was completely normal is making these choices
I can't seem to get through to her at all how awful this is, it's not his fault, all his friends warned him about his ex partner and how she would ruin his life
I've even found myself wanting to believe it as well because then of course it wouldn't be as awful as it it
I feel very disappointed by her and her choices but can't walk away as I absolutely know she will need someone to talk to at some point. Funnily enough she's not mentioned it to any other friends

OP posts:
nub · 13/04/2023 18:37

Can you obtain a transcript of the court proceedings? That'll be an eye opener.

Original poster
hairychinsrus · 13/04/2023 20:11

nub · 13/04/2023 18:37

Can you obtain a transcript of the court proceedings? That'll be an eye opener.

I don't know., I didn't even think you could is it possible?

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 13/04/2023 20:22

I was able to obtain a transcript. But then, the victim was my daughter and I attended the sentencing. You’ll have to have the hearing number/court name/sentencing date/name of offender, etc. And it was the investigative team that gave me the information. I just don’t know how you or your friend might get a transcript. It’s very easy to obtain online once you have the information. Costs a tenner if I recall.

twoandcooplease · 13/04/2023 21:11

Does Claire's Law check cover this type or only domestic violence?

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