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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel so guilty about this money? AIBU and a CF?

41 replies

Wasthismystupidfault · 12/04/2023 22:44

I grew up in kinship care with grandparents. From sometime in my teens, my beloved grandmother, who was essentially my Mum, was able to get a fostering allowance for me. We had a brilliant time from when she got this, she loved her independence and paid for me to do lots of hobbies and school trips etc.

I developed a serious illness in my teens as well and then anxiety and depression. I really fucked up my uni course and ended up dropping out and then because I was out of full time education, the money stopped.

Grandma was really angry about the money because she then had no money of her own, she was from a generation that had to stop working outside the home when women got married. But she forgave me pretty fast. I was earning a very small amount part time but she was still paying for lots of things for me and letting me live there.

I feel awful about this as an adult. She's dead now many years and I am only fully realising how guilty and ashamed I am?

She had a very old fashioned financial arrangement with my grandfather, he bought their house outright and had a good pension and just gave her housekeeping.

In hindsight, it was mean at best and by today's standards probably a financially abusive set up.

I was just so selfish back then and couldn't cope, and now can never make it up to her Sad

I am so ashamed really and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wasthismystupidfault · 12/04/2023 22:46

Was anyone else very naturally selfish as a teen and young adult, and then matured later into a reasonable human? How do you make peace with the stuff you did from your selfish immature period?

OP posts:
HappinessDragon · 12/04/2023 22:50

Do you think your Gran loved you?

canfor · 12/04/2023 22:51

Don't beat yourself up. Your gran was an adult and lots of women her age did work and have their own income. She would have known that the money for you would come to an end anyway, not too long after you dropped out from college, you weren't going to remain a child forever. Sounds as though she loved you and it was likely seen by her as a bonus that a few extra pounds came in for as long as they did.

BoattoBolivia · 12/04/2023 22:52

I think you have to be kind to your younger self. You obviously went through some difficult times and your gran loved you and supported you through them. Would it help you to 'pay it forwards ' in her name? Do some volunteering? You can't make it up to her but you could help someone else. Teens and young adults are genetically wired to be selfish. I'm sure she loved seeing you enjoy the money while it was available.

Eggseggseverywhere · 12/04/2023 22:54

Ime I am more thoughtful when I do have cash now! The odd gofundme donation. Extra raffle tickets here and there.. Food bank donations. Stuff to charity shops.. Put free stuff on Gumtree. Lots of ways to aid others helps me feel rededemtion from past errors. I bet your dgm didn't begrudge you a penny op. Ime a grandma is the most precious person to have in your life.

Knittedfairies · 12/04/2023 22:55

You had a serious illness when younger, then anxiety and depression so we're unable to complete your university course; that's hardly being selfish. That your grandmother then had no money of her own was down to your grandfather, not you. You don't have anything to be ashamed of, nor anything to feel guilty about; try to let it go.

Original poster
Wasthismystupidfault · 12/04/2023 22:55

She definitely loved me, and I loved her so much.

OP posts:
IronicElf · 12/04/2023 22:56

None of that was your fault. You were never responsible for her financial status. You were not selfish - you got ill.

I can understand how your grandmother might have missed the financial side of things and built up resentment, but that wasn't on you. Forgave you? She had no right to make you feel that you did anything wrong, by simply making choices for yourself in the moment.

You do need to make peace with this, but only from the point of view that you need to let this guilt go. The first question is - if someone else told you this story would you blame them? There's nothing in your post that I can see that makes me think you did anything wrong.

Do you have a local wellbeing service you could refer yourself to? There might be a therapy that will help support you.

Original poster
Wasthismystupidfault · 12/04/2023 22:56

I'm sure she knew I loved her, but I didn't look after her properly? I just couldn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wasthismystupidfault · 12/04/2023 22:57

I'm on a waiting list for therapy because I'm just not coping with a lot of childhood stuff at the moment.

OP posts:
Campervangirl · 12/04/2023 22:58

All teenagers are selfish, it's a prerequisite into adulthood 😉
Your Gran loved you, that's why she took you in and paid for you.
She may have been angry that the money stopped (maybe more angry that you'd dropped out of education because she loved and wanted the best for you).
She continued to pay for you without the additional income. . .
Because she loved you.
Give yourself a break, you can't change the past, you were technically a child, making childish decisions.
Your Gran continued to support you, she didn't remain angry.
Turn it around, remember the wonderful woman who raised you with love 💕

HappinessDragon · 12/04/2023 23:01

You did look after her properly because you did what you could with what you had.
You were a teenager and she loved you.
You were ill and she loved you.
You were probably a massive pain in the arse sometimes (teenager!) and she loved you.

Just imagine saying “Nan, years after you’ve gone, I am going to feel ashamed and guilty and upset about you not having that money” and then imagine what she would say to you.

Give yourself some kindness OP.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 12/04/2023 23:03

We all do things as a teenager we feel guilty about. I am heartbroken I didn’t visit my grandparents enough when they were still alive because them getting old made me sad. So selfish, but as people have said teenagers are selfish and we out grow it.

PizzaGirls · 12/04/2023 23:08

Yep, definitely in some ways.

I tell myself I’ve matured now & have learned more and am not the same person as I was

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/04/2023 23:10

Could you set up a standing order in her name for age concern? You could pay something like £10 a month or whatever you could afford and you know it will benefit an elderly person.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/04/2023 23:12

I would have thought any extra money would have stopped when you were 19 whether you’d dropped out of university or not, so please don’t feel bad about that.

Ilovetea42 · 12/04/2023 23:19

You were a child who I'm presuming came through trauma to end up living in kinship care with a formal allowance. Your grandmother didn't just take you on for the money by the sounds of things, she loved you, she was invested in you as a person with all your talents and flaws and you are her family. I don't think any adult is so naieve that they enter into a kinship or fostering arrangement without expecting that the young person is going to have some tough patches, make mistakes and maybe take a little longer to figure things out for themselves than a young person who hasn't had family instability (no matter the cause). It sounds like you got there eventually and I'm sure she'd be really proud of you for that. She cared for you freely, not just because she thought you'd look after her and bring in an extra income so it sounds to me like you've repaid her in the best way, by growing into an adult who is kind and considerate and loved her enough to even think of these things. It sounds like you feel very grateful to her for all the love she gave you, but I would suggest that people who grow up with their biological parents are grateful for the love their parents gave them but they recognise that this is just what parents do, I love my son because he is my son, I'd take my neice or nephew in in a heartbeat because they're my neice and nephew- not because I expect a single thing in return. I think your sense of guilt is a little misplaced. She loved you the way she did because that was what you deserved no matter who you turned out to be or what you got wrong.

Bunnyhair · 12/04/2023 23:21

HappinessDragon · 12/04/2023 23:01

You did look after her properly because you did what you could with what you had.
You were a teenager and she loved you.
You were ill and she loved you.
You were probably a massive pain in the arse sometimes (teenager!) and she loved you.

Just imagine saying “Nan, years after you’ve gone, I am going to feel ashamed and guilty and upset about you not having that money” and then imagine what she would say to you.

Give yourself some kindness OP.

This.

(But also, OP, if your gran wouldn’t have had anything comforting or kind to say about that, then give yourself EXTRA kindness.)

You had a very hard time of things. I don’t see anything in your OP that suggests you were selfish.

QueenSmartypants · 12/04/2023 23:26

It wasn't your responsibility to look after her, it was hers to look after you. Being unwell isn't anything that warrants forgiveness. But you do need to forgive yourself or this will eat you up completely unnecessarily.

They had a traditional marriage, again you have no responsibility for that.

Your only responsibility is to yourself - to live a good life, which I'm sure is all that your grandmother wanted for you.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/04/2023 23:26

I don’t think you’ve anything to feel guilty about. It’s not your fault your parents were unable to care for you. It’s not your fault you were ill. It’s not your fault your grandmother had no income and was perhaps in a financially abusive relationship. It wasn’t your responsibility to look after her. Looking after you was a responsibility she accepted.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/04/2023 23:26

Wasthismystupidfault · 12/04/2023 22:46

Was anyone else very naturally selfish as a teen and young adult, and then matured later into a reasonable human? How do you make peace with the stuff you did from your selfish immature period?

Honestly I think you've just described 99% of teenagers! I was certainly like that, I was absolutely horrible to my mum in particular.

I agree with @HappinessDragon:

You did look after her properly because you did what you could with what you had.
You were a teenager and she loved you.
You were ill and she loved you.
You were probably a massive pain in the arse sometimes (teenager!) and she loved you.

Just imagine saying “Nan, years after you’ve gone, I am going to feel ashamed and guilty and upset about you not having that money” and then imagine what she would say to you.

Give yourself some kindness OP.

flipflop00 · 12/04/2023 23:27

The money would have been due to stop once you turned 19 so in the long run it really wouldn't have made much difference!
I was so selfish in my teens. I thought I knew everything, I was rude and obnoxious. I feel so embarrassed to think of how I used to be! But that's not me anymore, and I think it's hard to find a teen who hasn't gone through that spell. You did what you needed to do while going through a lot at such a young age, your gran most likely understood your reasons 🧡 it's a bit 'out there' but since I lost a close family member and struggled with guilt about things I could have done different, I spent a lot of time reading stories about people who had been brought back to life and their experience of 'dying' and every single one said that they experienced total love and joy and every ounce of anger or hurt or upset just vanished. That really was a comfort to me to think my loved ones hold no bad feelings about things I could have done better 🧡

literalviolence · 12/04/2023 23:29

YABU to give yourself a hard time. You did nothing wrong.

Mariposista · 12/04/2023 23:38

Hi OP. My beloved grandmother died two weeks ago, and I go over and over so many things and pray that she was and is proud of me. I promise your gran does not bear grudges to you now she has died. Life was different back then, as you say she had no career (would be pretty unacceptable for a modern woman now but normal then), and you were a child, and it was not your job to provide for her. Be kind to yourself and do your gran proud by living a good, honest life, working hard and doing your best in everything you do. All the best.

JustTurned90 · 13/04/2023 00:04

It sounds like you had an absolutely amazing grandma who treated you well and truly like her own daughter. That relationship is so precious and I doubt very much that she ever begrudged giving you everything that she did, as she loved you and was so fond of you.

I think that it is a natural part of life and growing up to look back on our teens and early 20s in horror at some of the things we put our parents and care givers through! In conversations that I’ve had with my own mum, I would say it’s a rite of passage into adulthood, and something that your grandma will have done when she was younger (although maybe not as explicitly as we do today!)

Don’t spend too much time on the feelings of regret, because we can’t change the past and regrets just steal our focus. Try instead to think about how thankful you are to her.

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