I feel so guilty about this money? AIBU and a CF?

[Wasthismystupidfault]

I grew up in kinship care with grandparents. From sometime in my teens, my beloved grandmother, who was essentially my Mum, was able to get a fostering allowance for me. We had a brilliant time from when she got this, she loved her independence and paid for me to do lots of hobbies and school trips etc.

I developed a serious illness in my teens as well and then anxiety and depression. I really fucked up my uni course and ended up dropping out and then because I was out of full time education, the money stopped.

Grandma was really angry about the money because she then had no money of her own, she was from a generation that had to stop working outside the home when women got married. But she forgave me pretty fast. I was earning a very small amount part time but she was still paying for lots of things for me and letting me live there.

I feel awful about this as an adult. She's dead now many years and I am only fully realising how guilty and ashamed I am?

She had a very old fashioned financial arrangement with my grandfather, he bought their house outright and had a good pension and just gave her housekeeping.

In hindsight, it was mean at best and by today's standards probably a financially abusive set up.

I was just so selfish back then and couldn't cope, and now can never make it up to her

I am so ashamed really and don't know what to do.

Look she was probably more stressed than angry with you. It wasn't your fault and she obviously knew that.

I think, @Wasthismystupidfault anyone who doesn't look back with horror at some teen / early adult behaviour is a liar.. do you have children of your own? If so you'll know that whatever they do, we still love them..

Surely the fostering allowance ended when you went to university anyway?

I completely agree. @Wasthismystupidfault you did nothing wrong. It’s not like you took money from her or withheld money from her. You got ill and it must have been a horrible experience for you. I hope you manage to get rid of this misplaced guilt.

you shouldn’t worry about this. She would have perhaps had this extra money for 3 years maximum during your course. You had to drop out as many people do for various reasons. The three years was cut short but she wouldn’t have received that money forever and as you say you have great memories of the years when she was able to spend money on you and outings together.

it sounds like those years were happy for both of you so just try to focus on those good times. The old fashioned financial set up with her husband was not your fault.

I am probably a fair bit older than you, but this still applies, I think.

My mum told me that her mother said to her that when she, my grandmother eventually died, mum would probably feel guilt but mum was never to reproach herself for anything mum felt should have, or had not, done. In was just one of the things that happens in the circle of life: many children will inevitably will feel guilty after a parent's death even when there is no need.

Mum went on to assure me that yes, when she died I would probably feel guilty about thing(s) but she didn't want me to ever feel that. I had not done anything to reproach myself with. And of course, I did feel guilt, but her words consoled me a great deal. I'm sure your grandmother would have said the same, particularly if she knew the effect it was going to have on you. It sounds like you had a lovely bond that brought you both so much joy. Don't let it be spoilt.

I wonder how old you are now OP and whether you’ve had your own children/taken responsibility for a child.

You reach a stage as a younger adult where you become aware of how atrociously you acted as a teen. For me this happened in my mid 20’s.
You then reach another stage (for me this happened now at 30 with two small children in tow) where you realise that kids are just difficult and hard and generally behave in ways that test you to all of your limits but it’s the circle of life and you adore them regardless. As a parent you know that children and teens lack the emotional maturity to understand their actions and consequences but that this develops as they grow, you don’t resent them for it even if it’s hard at the time.

You did what felt right at the time. Also you're not in charge of the rules of either her money from the state or from her husband - you were just a kid.

Forgive yourself. You've done nothing wrong and everything normal for the age and stage you were at. Teenagers can be thick as mince with their choices at the best of times, and you had anxiety on top of that. Having parented teens I think your beloved gran was expressing her own fear and frustration, and it appeared as anger. She wanted the best for you and could have felt scared she had done a good enough job herself to put you on the "right path". You sound thoughtful and self aware, and likely you've turned out just fine. Please show your younger self some compassion. Living well is the best tribute you can give her now.

In the kindest way your gran had no business being angry with you. You were unwell, plus the fact you were a teen and you hadn’t had the easiest start.

It sounds like she was great and did a great job bringing you up, but in that she was wrong - there was nothing to forgive you for. It was not your job to provide an income for her, that isn’t any child’s job. As you note, she had her own issues with your grandad’s financial control, but that is no reason to blame you.

So please let any guilt go, it’s entirely unnecessary. Also don’t fall into the trap of thinking of your behaviour in your teens and early 20s as that of an adult. You were an adolescent.

Remember you did the best you could.

The thing to focus on now is moving forward and building your life, which is what she would have wanted.

As a PP says when you have spare time, energy or money, then pass it on.

You poor pet.

Of course you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

You well ill.

It happens.

Your grandfather was mean and that is on him.

Your grandmother loved you dearly and will have known you loved her back.

Please try and be kinder to yourself.

You have been through a lot.

I sincerely hope you get counselling soon to help you realise, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Most people have regrets. One of my adult kids was truly dreadful as a teen. She is now a lovely adult with a child of her own. I have a better understanding now of why she acted like she did and have come to terms with it.
I, on the other hand have no such regrets cos I was manipulated into being a people pleaser through and through. I regret not kicking off more!

@Wasthismystupidfault I'm in my early 50s and during a recent conversation with my parents, I apologised for being the self entitled and sometimes downright cruel little madam I was in my teens and 20s. You know what? They didn't remember any of the things that I remembered! I have been holding on to all this guilt about the cutting things I said and thoughtless things I did which just weren't perceived as such by them!!!.

Your grandmother sounds like she truly loved you and I'm sure would not have held anything that happened against you. She's probably sitting on a cloud right now looking down on you and willing you to forgive yourself!!!!

Thank you all, truly. I'm just having a very difficult time at the moment and it's like all past mistakes are hitting me hard.

She definitely knew how much I loved her, and I know she loved me, so that is the main thing I need to focus on.

Absolutely what you should be reminding yourself of.

You both clearly cherished each other.
She only ever wanted the best for you, and to do her best by you.

You were much loved.

I hope things get a bit easier soon.

We are here if you need us.

She didn’t want you to look after her. She wanted you to appreciate her looking after you. You have always appreciated and loved her. She knew that. That was giving her everything she needed. You have nothing to be sorry about.