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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get a sense of satisfaction 30 + yrs on *trigger warning*

49 replies

TheSlowRush · 12/04/2023 19:20

When I was 13 I had a hobby which was for people up to 25.

There were parties sometimes which involved alcohol and I often used to get pissed (my parents were very lax borderline neglectful I had a fairly troubled adolescence).

One time while I was drunk, a guy I liked who was 20 took advantage, I was flattered by the attention of a older guy, and I ended up losing my virginity. After that he barely spoke to me, and turned out he had a girlfriend.

Over the years this first experience has troubled me and I spent my teens having sex with older guys who I thought liked me but were just using me for sex and my self esteem didn’t tell me to do something different. I own this.

This has been playing on my mind recently so I looked for the guy on FB. I messaged him asking if it was him. Cover photo of him in the emergency services and pictures of his daughters aged 15/16 ish.

He messaged back confirming it was him then loads of messages about he remembers visiting me in hospital with a load of other people when I had an op. Then how I look amazing/haven’t changed (he is unrecognisable).

So I said asked him how old he is now and he confirmed that he is 6 Yrs older than me. So I said I also lost my virginity to you when I was 14 and you were 20. That’s seems awful now doesn’t it? But I guess it was a different time.

Shockingly all the complimentary messages have stopped and there has been radio silence (I don’t care about this).

What I hope is that he will think about that now and how bloody awful it was.

OP posts:
iusedtobeasize8 · 12/04/2023 19:24

Why would this be satisfying to you?
It's just a sad situation that happened years ago.

TheVanguardSix · 12/04/2023 19:26

I imagine he’s terrified and currently envisioning the impact his past behaviour could have on his present life.

I mean, I have a son who is 21. His sister is 13 and has 14 year old mates. It really horrifies me as I sit here thinking ‘What if my own son did such a thing?’

Have you had any therapy? There’s so much to unpack and revisit. What’s your relationship like with your parents now?

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 12/04/2023 19:26

Because as the passage of time has passed one would hope he would he mortified that his 20 yr old self slept with a 13 yr old.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 12/04/2023 19:27

Are you in therapy, or have you been? If not, it might be a good idea.
You can see now that you were abused.
You are brave to have confronted him. He's probably scared about what will happen next.

TheVanguardSix · 12/04/2023 19:27

I have to add, satisfaction? Do you want vengeance of a sort OR… healing? You choose.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 12/04/2023 19:29

Yeah I have had counselling a few times. I am not perfect but I work in safeguarding now.

My relationship with my parents is good now, since I 20 and got clean.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 12/04/2023 19:31

I'm very sorry OP. This was an awful thing to happen - neglect by your parents, underage drinking putting you in harm's way, and assault by an older man.

I don't think contact on FB is helpful.

I think more counselling / support would be helpful.

CoalTit · 12/04/2023 19:32

Yes, I can see how it would be satisfying to point that out to someone who otherwise might never reflect on their past as a sexual abuser.

HazyDragon · 12/04/2023 19:35

I'm sure he is extremely worried about what might happen next and probably thinks you were trying to get him to admit something so you can pursue charges against him.

Have you blocked him? I would.

Forgive your young self OP, none of it was your fault Flowers

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 12/04/2023 19:37

No I haven’t blocked him.

if he wants to block me he can. I have reminded him of what I wanted to. I happily walk away.

OP posts:
LampLamp · 12/04/2023 19:37

I’m really sorry this happened to you.

I doubt it is the same organisation but I was part of guides and scouts which have a similar age range. There were people in Scouts socs at university who were regularly up to all sorts with girls around 13-16.
At the time it seemed cool but something about it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Now as an adult it makes me absolutely furious.

I can see why you would feel a sense of satisfaction. He sexually assaulted you and now you mentioning it has probably scared him shitless. It’s far less an outcome than he deserves but I can total understand you feeling something akin to satisfaction.

Hope you’re okay OP.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 12/04/2023 19:46

I have absolutely no intention of taking it any further but also don’t care if he thinks I am.

It’s been with me my entire adult life, he can think about it a bit now.

OP posts:
SchoolQuestionnaire · 12/04/2023 19:47

If confronting him in this way helps you to heal then yanbu.

This was statutory rape whether he wants to admit it or not. He took advantage of a child when he was a 20 year old adult. Times were not that different - it was abhorrent then in the same way that it is now. We witnessed similar ‘relationships’ in Youth Theatre 25-30 years ago and we knew exactly how predatory these disgusting specimens were even back then. I hope the rapey bastard is fucking terrified.

I hope you’re ok op, none of this was your fault.Flowers

ShadowPuppets · 12/04/2023 19:52

I get this entirely, I hope it’s helped you draw a line under it. I bumped into a guy in a pub a couple of years ago (in my 30s) who SA me at our 6th form prom when we were both 18 (did things to me when I was asleep and then bragged about it). He was very chatty and I was cordial, and when he was ‘confused’ as to why I wasn’t more friendly I said ‘why would I be friendly after what you did to me at prom’ and he looked very shamefaced and left the pub immediately. It really helped me process it so I’m hoping you feel the same now. Really pleased for you if that’s the case.

Saschka · 12/04/2023 19:52

TheSlowRush · 12/04/2023 19:26

Because as the passage of time has passed one would hope he would he mortified that his 20 yr old self slept with a 13 yr old.

Unfortunately I suspect he is just worried you have brought up having sex with him because you are trying to restart the relationship, and he has blocked you for that reason. Or he thinks you might be planning to go to the police. It won’t be actual remorse.

These men never have any introspection, and always have a reason why it is your fault not theirs.

Pudmyboy · 12/04/2023 19:57

TheSlowRush · 12/04/2023 19:46

I have absolutely no intention of taking it any further but also don’t care if he thinks I am.

It’s been with me my entire adult life, he can think about it a bit now.

Good for you, I can fully understand your actions: why shouldn't he be reminded of what an arsehole he was? Would have been different if he had hinted at an apology or regret or remorse in his initial communications!

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 12/04/2023 19:57

He hasn’t blocked me.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 12/04/2023 20:16

Maybe you can talk to him about it. Maybe there’s peaceful resolution. I just don’t know. That’s for you to explore.

I know my abuser’s whereabouts. I was 9. I’m now 51. I haven’t forgotten. You’re kind of left holding the missing pieces of yourself for life. It’s been so long, I don’t remember where they fit anymore. I just carry them.

I have forgiven but forgiveness means different things to different people. I would like to talk to him. I wouldn’t want to destroy him. There was a time when that’s all I thought about. But therapy, processing, faith, lots of things have given me the ability recover and drag myself across that bridge.

I just wonder what you need, for you.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 12/04/2023 20:24

I just wanted him to remember.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 12/04/2023 20:29

He does remember.

I hope you can recover.

Chessetchelsea · 12/04/2023 20:36

Good for you, OP! He deserves to be called out on it. I bet he’s scared to say anything else unless it’s seen as ‘evidence’ of his guilt. I’d be tempted to screenshot and print the whole lot and take it to the local police station. Whilst nothing may come of it due to the time that has passed, it could help to build up a picture if it turns out he’s still a pedophile. Grim that he has daughters older than you were when he took advantage!

PattyDuckface · 12/04/2023 20:58

I'm glad for you OP. I hope you have shook him and made him reflect on who he is.

I have been thinking about doing something similar but it's my first boyfriend who was with me when I was 16 and he was 21, he was very abusive and I got trapped. I don't know what the hell my parents were doing either allowing this man to abuse me. Suppose it's all that "different times" bullshit.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 12/04/2023 21:31

Yeah when I was 16 I was with a 26 yr old and my parents loved him 🙈

OP posts:
Finallycaved · 12/04/2023 21:35

My orients had a friend, who would pop over, sometimes with his wife. I remember being about 13/14 and he kept asking for a kiss hello. Even infront of my parents he would always ask for a hug hello/goodbye, and it was just expected of me to do so. Anyway, my bedroom was in the attic so he walked up two flights of stairs to ‘say hello’ and kept pestering that I had to give him a proper kiss. It felt like ages, I kept saying no, and that I was doing homework which I was. Eventually I did it just to get him to leave. I told my parents and they just said ‘ahh that’s just Bob!’
Thank goodness I then met my first boyfriend who I spent so much of my free time with that he was always there whenever Bob visited, and Bob didn’t bother me again.
Recently found out Bob has been in prison for sex with an underage girl.
Well done OP for speaking out.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 12/04/2023 21:45

Yeah my parents had a friend when I was 14 who was a bit like this.

I loved the attention and weirdly as an adult I did have an affair with him.

it was all so fucked up 🙈

OP posts: