To get a sense of satisfaction 30 + yrs on *trigger warning*

[TheSlowRush]

When I was 13 I had a hobby which was for people up to 25.

There were parties sometimes which involved alcohol and I often used to get pissed (my parents were very lax borderline neglectful I had a fairly troubled adolescence).

One time while I was drunk, a guy I liked who was 20 took advantage, I was flattered by the attention of a older guy, and I ended up losing my virginity. After that he barely spoke to me, and turned out he had a girlfriend.

Over the years this first experience has troubled me and I spent my teens having sex with older guys who I thought liked me but were just using me for sex and my self esteem didn’t tell me to do something different. I own this.

This has been playing on my mind recently so I looked for the guy on FB. I messaged him asking if it was him. Cover photo of him in the emergency services and pictures of his daughters aged 15/16 ish.

He messaged back confirming it was him then loads of messages about he remembers visiting me in hospital with a load of other people when I had an op. Then how I look amazing/haven’t changed (he is unrecognisable).

So I said asked him how old he is now and he confirmed that he is 6 Yrs older than me. So I said I also lost my virginity to you when I was 14 and you were 20. That’s seems awful now doesn’t it? But I guess it was a different time.

Shockingly all the complimentary messages have stopped and there has been radio silence (I don’t care about this).

What I hope is that he will think about that now and how bloody awful it was.

Good for you, dodgy fucker, 20 year olds should know better

I'm glad you did it op. Like you say, let him dwell on it a bit now. I've spent half my life with an abusive man who I met when I was extremely vulnerable. And when I look back I have always been a target for these type of men. From age 12.
I feel like I must give off some vibe to them?

I get it OP. I had similar when I was 14/15 with someone who was late 30s.

He's recently come back into my life - I can't avoid him, he's just popped up out of the blue in a place I also have to be regularly.

I've been polite, it's in public, after all. But when he asked me how old I am now, and I told him, he said 'You're the same age as my son!' like this was a bloody revelation. I deadpan replied 'I've always been the same age as your son' and stared him in the eye.

I could see the cogs turning as he realised what I was saying. It may not have been a smart/healthy/well adjusted response, but it was, not satisfying - validating maybe?

If it’s made you feel better then good.

You were a child, he took advantage and I hope he feels shame.

Nah I could see that being satisfying. Even when you have like....worked on old stuff, and sort of accepted how your past was, even if you're different now. I think it's totally normal to wonder how other people feel about and remember the same situations. I think given that he did the thing he did to you as an adult, there's nothing wrong with reminding him of it and hoping he knows better now. You have to live with it, why shouldn't he. Doesn't mean you have to continue to interact with him or follow up if you don't want to. But I could see finding him and telling him being weirdly therapeutic.

It was.

I felt great all day ☺️

He won't reply - he probably things you'll go to the police if he does. I'm glad you found it satisfying - and I hope it helps you

I don’t blame you for what you did, he knew what he was doing (sick of hearing ‘it was a different time’) in some way you want him to acknowledge what he did was wrong as you have been living with the burden of what happened & they probably haven’t given it a second thought so reminding them gives them a feeling if shame somewhat similar to what you’ve felt & it feels good to think of them feeling bad. I have been in similar situation so that is how I’d feel.

It was weirdly common when I was younger. I can see why a 20 year old back in the eighties (my era) wouldn’t have felt any compunction to act civilised when society was normalising it. So many of my friends were with 19 year olds, myself included although I didn’t have sex.

I think your objective is complete. He is probably now terrified.

Yes I can see how it would be satisfying to make someone realise that what they did in the past was wrong, knowing that they’d never have reflected on it had you not pointed it out.

I’m sure he’s worried now but a bit of fear will do him no harm, and will fade in time, and might help in him make sure his children avoid the same pitfalls (either as victim or perpetrator).

If you think you still need counselling to process what happened to you you should certainly get it, and do block him, obviously.

I think it was a perfectly smart, healthy and well adjusted response. That is criminal behaviour, you were stating a fact. If you want to report him you are well within your rights to do so. A man in his late 30s having sex with a 14 or 15 year old is rape and always would have been regarded as abusive. He knew that at the time - make no mistake.

I thought this too!
I wonder if he's felt ashamed since it happened also?
If it's any help, I remember a few kids at school who were first to lose their virginity and it was usually with older people (both sexes). I also remember girls if around 15 being picked up by boys who drove so they must have been late teens or older - I can't believe their parents would allow this!
I hope it gives you what you needed to move onwards now

What a stupid and insensitive remark. Does passage of time make what he did ok? It's beyond 'sad', it's bad. What he did was bad. And it has affected the OP all these years.

I hope, OP, that this excuse for a man at least has the decency to reflect on what he did. He's probably scared about what you might do or say. He deserves to be scared.

Anyone who comes along to tell you you are wrong for doing so (and there will be at least one) or that you need to put it in the past needs to bugger off.
Let then feel a tiny part of the hurt you have felt. Hope it ruined his week, the slimeball. Absolutely in awe of you.

I’m glad you told him.

I hope he is horrified. I hope he looks at his daughters and feels disgust for what he did.

i hope he spends the next few years wondering and panicking if you’ll say something.

often all we need to do is remind our abusers ‘we see you’

I can see why on some level it has given you satisfaction. Just be aware that having interacted with him recently you could have feel upset after the initial feeling of control.

I can certainly see why you did it. Hopefully he is squirming. There would be the chance of two reply types either saying you were were lying or if he apologises it means he would be acknowledging it happened.

I wish you the best.

You rock!

As someone said above, ihope the rapey bastard is shitting himself.

@Finallycaved I had a very similar experience with a friend of my parents. He would come to my grandparents house where I went daily after school regularly and instigate tickling and hugs etc. I was uncomfortable with it even at the age of 7 but it was laughed off as 'it's just Barry'. It still is. He's dead now. I feel really angry with my parents and my elder sister (he helped her secure some funding for her nurses training at the time so she also ignored his behaviour). I probably need to unpack all that a bit more-I've never really Joined it all up until recently but your post has made me think about it more (which is a good thing though it may but seem it-so Thankyou )

@Finallycaved good, that makes me happy, that I have spread the love ❤️

He is now blocked.

If you've made him shit himself, then I for one am very glad about that.

@TheSlowRush Good for you

@TheSlowRush GOOD ON YOU!! I would fucking love to do this to someone who did something very very similar to me. I see him in our local pub and think you absolute twat?

You made me do a little punch in the air! Hope his arse fell out!

Have a word with yourself!

Everything you said was the truth, why on earth should he get to conveniently forget his shitty behaviour while it affected you deeply?

He won't reply because either he outright lies to you & denies it, or admits in writing what he did.

With teenage daughters of his own, maybe, just maybe, it'll give him a new perspective on what he did & he'll reflect on other behaviours towards women which he thought were fine.

I'm glad it's brought you some peace.
I think a couple of months of discomfort waiting for the police to knock on the door is a fair price.