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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she being unreasonable? Foreign student

40 replies

Corneliafunk · 12/04/2023 09:30

A friend has asked her visiting 16 year old French high school student to move out early and I think she has been unreasonable and wonder if I should say something? The girl is tidy but has done some annoying things (eg didn’t write a reply to a note my friend left out for her, didn’t wash and dry her breakfast dishes, just rinsed them and left them on the bench waiting instead until the dishwasher ended).
The girl adapted to school fine and made friends, but is quiet which my friend finds irritating. She replies to questions and sometimes initiates conversation, but I notice my friend often just starts talking fast to her own young kids leaving the girl out of the loop.

Her English was v average on arrival but has improved esp if you talk slowly to her.
It can be embarrassing that my friend talks a lot about how irritating the girl is as I know some of this gets back to the girl via daughters of those in our friendship group.
The girl has to now return home early, after less than half of the programme timeframe. I feel I should say something but - I guess you only want someone in your house for 5 months if you can connect with them and this connection obviously hasn’t been made. Is my friend being unreasonable?

My friend is a single parent and thinks the girl can’t relate to this situation, but she broke up with her long term boyfriend about the time the student arrived and I think this is more relevant. I am not in a position to host, otherwise I would offer.

OP posts:
Iamintochampagne · 12/04/2023 09:32

Not your sink not your dishes altho a bit mean of your friend

what do you think saying something will achieve?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 12/04/2023 09:37

Was your friend being paid ? If so, I hope the arrangers blacklist her, it sounds very unfair. If you weren’t in a position to do anything positive, though, not much to be gained from sticking your oar in, except to perhaps noticeably be silent when friend complains, and avoid validating her decision.

Albiboba · 12/04/2023 09:38

Your friend is mental. Why does she expect a 16 year old exchange student to ‘relate’ to her life as a single mum?

I would be very disappointed in a friend like this. Signing up for something like this when you aren’t prepared to do it properly and ultimately it’s a school child who suffers is very selfish.

StagsLeap · 12/04/2023 09:38

Surely there’s nothing to be gained by intervening if the arrangement has already been terminated?

Tescoland · 12/04/2023 09:44

Your friend sounds like an absolute prick.
The student is 16, so still a child and it was cruel to send her away based on a couple of rinsed dishes and a note left unanswered which she might not have noticed. Being a foreign student is a big thing for a youngster, she was probably looking forward to it and instead she got an unhelpful host and her trip was cut short.
As for her being quiet…OMG young girls can be very quiet in unfamiliar situations. I was the same, no confidence around relative strangers. Your friend is discriminating against quiet people. On top of that the student might not have been confident about her English, some people prefer to be quiet when they feel their grasp of a foreign language is not good enough yet and don’t want to make mistakes or say something stupid. If your friend wants to chat she has her kids, you and other friends, I presume. She is a dickhead.

Original poster
Corneliafunk · 12/04/2023 09:49

Yes, I take your point in why say something when I can’t help to change the situation. I just feel a bit embarrassed. I did say to my friend I thought she was being OTT about the student who just seems shy. I personally started hearing less about the student then, but I know others in our group kept on getting the run down about her all the time.
There is no money involved although my friend has been generous in paying for heaps of things she has taken the girl and her own family to. Which seems schizophrenic to me given the number of complaints made 😵‍💫

OP posts:
WalnutWhippy · 12/04/2023 09:49

That was horrible of your friend to tell the child to move out for petty reasons. It sounds so cruel. Hopefully those organising the stay can find her an alternative host.

Chamomileteaplease · 12/04/2023 09:53

What kind of exchange is this? 16 years old?? Are you in England? It sounds horrendous for what is basically a child. Most children would be extremely quiet in someone else's house. Let alone when they don't speak the language well.

I think your friend had extremely unrealistic expectations.

EyesOnThePies · 12/04/2023 10:05

The poor student.

I can imagine it is a strain having a 16 yo guest, but your friend agreed to do it and now sounds unkind.

I don’t know what saying anything will achieve, unless you can support your friend to stick it out, but it would affect my view of her.

StagsLeap · 12/04/2023 10:11

I’m puzzled as to how and why a host would commit to such a long timeframe if they weren’t being paid, though — it’s very different to language exchanges where the pair of students involved spend three weeks in one another’s homes. My lovely SIL has hosted foreign students as young as 13 and 14 for year-long stints for years, but while she is a kind and welcoming host (many of her former students stay in touch, visit, invite her to stay if she’s in their country on holiday, and a couple have invited her to their weddings), she does it because she needs the money, and has spare bedrooms since her own children left.

colddrytoast · 12/04/2023 10:16

The girl rinses her dishes before they go into the dishwasher and she is only 16 ?????? Incredible. She is actually a gem, and your friend is ridiculous. And cruel.

(But please don't describe someone as 'schizophrenic')

WeeOrcadian · 12/04/2023 10:16

Your friends sounds mean, it would make me reconsider how much time / energy I'd want to expend on that particular friendship.

I also hope that the company (?) they they use don't send any more foreign students her way

RedEyeBaby · 12/04/2023 10:17

What programme is it that lasts several months? Why did yout friend enter in to it ,- was it to earn money or does she have a daughter who is going there in return?
But your friend sounds very unreasonable.

ArcticSkewer · 12/04/2023 10:18

What kind of weird exchange is this? It sounds extremely dodgy. Is it connected to some kind of 'group' eg a religious association?

RedEyeBaby · 12/04/2023 10:20

Sorry just seen no payment. So why was she doing it? I was an exchange student once upon a time, not for 5 months though, that's long. Of course she'll be quiet if her English isn't perfect, her brain will be running in overdrive trying to think what to say. Was your friend expecting an au pair? She's treating that young girl dreadfully.

Sillybollocks · 12/04/2023 10:20

She's being really unfair and hadn't thought this through (although I don't understand the situation if she isn't being paid). At the very least she should not be slagging off a 16 year old to adults so indiscreetly that it's getting back to her. She must feel so uncomfortable now. It doesn't sound as though the girl has done anything wrong and yes, why on earth would a lass that age relate to being a single mother? Your friend sounds as though she's lacking in empathy and forward thinking. I don't see what you can really do but I wouldn't be at all impressed by a friend of mine acting like this, looking for spurious reasons to go back on her commitment and make it the student's fault. You could possibly say that it's fair enough if she's made her mind up but could she stop discussing this with the group in such terms as it is getting back to the girl and that isn't fair. She's only a kid. Could the organisation running this find her anyone else?

Ludo19 · 12/04/2023 10:23

Your friend sounds a complete bitch. Imagine an adult talking in such derogatory terms about a teenager in a foreign (to her) country. Diabolical behaviour. Your friend sounds a piece of work, obviously has her head up her own arse due to a relationship breakdown. Not the kids fault she can't relate to your friend being a single parent but I fail to see any connection as to why this french teen should or could.

Original poster
Corneliafunk · 12/04/2023 10:25

I think the company was trying to find somewhere else for the student, but they would have to go to a new family and a new school- I think it was all a bit much for the girl to cope with 😢

OP posts:
skilikeagirl · 12/04/2023 10:28

I did your friend think she was getting an au pair and instead got a French exchange student (which was exactly what she was signing up for...)? Either way your friend sounds awful tbh. The poor girl.

rookiemere · 12/04/2023 10:29

Host families are usually paid for this arrangement, which would certainly smooth what appear to be very minor irritations.

I wouldn't say anything, but I'd secretly think a little less of her - mind you not sure my capacity for long term free housing of foreign teens.

Exhibity · 12/04/2023 10:29

Who organised this, if it's an exchange, don't the students stay with a family with a child who will then go back and stay in their country? Seems a bit odd to me .

RedEyeBaby · 12/04/2023 10:35

I personally think your friend has received money but isn't telling you. With no reciprocal exchange, 5 months to a year is unheard of unpaid. It can't be true.
What company is it?

ArcticSkewer · 12/04/2023 10:40

Corneliafunk · 12/04/2023 10:25

I think the company was trying to find somewhere else for the student, but they would have to go to a new family and a new school- I think it was all a bit much for the girl to cope with 😢

You say company, but what is the business model?
Noone is paying for anything or being paid. That's not a business

FangsForTheMemory · 12/04/2023 10:44

I know someone who hosts a foreign student and I’m pretty sure she’s paid handsomely. You friend sounds pretty awful.

FictionalCharacter · 12/04/2023 11:03

Which way round is the aibu?
Thanks to your horribly unkind, inhospitable friend this poor girl has had a bad experience and is going home with a terrible impression of Britain and the British.