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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could you handle this type of relationship.?

39 replies

resolutely · 12/04/2023 00:05

Me: late 40's, three teens at home with me full time, single parent, full time worker, travel 500 miles per week for said work.

Him: late 40's, two kids early teens, separated and lives mon-fri in another city for work, goes home at weekends to spend with kids while Mum leaves for weekend. All verified just in case you were wondering.

I would like something casual but exclusive and so would he.
I do not want any man in my kids lives and he feels the same.
I would like to meet for lunch dates/ dinners/ nights away in hotels/ walks .... once a week.
He would like the same.
I am not free at weekends and neither is he .
Could this work ?
Could you handle this or would feelings just get in the way? What about weddings or events that considered a plus one?
There will be no changes to our circumstances for a number of years.

OP posts:
Murdoch1949 · 12/04/2023 00:09

Both going into it with open eyes, seems an ideal relationship, for now. When empty nesters things may change. Good luck.

PousseyNotMoira · 12/04/2023 00:11

Did you not like the responses you received the last time you posted this?!

Original poster
resolutely · 12/04/2023 00:15

@PousseyNotMoira while I have posted before about trying a relationship like this, it was with a man who had alot more freedom and I also had a lot more freedom at that time .
Not this man.
You have an excellent memory .....

OP posts:
Catwithbigfeet · 12/04/2023 00:16

If it works for you both then that’s all that matters surely ?
If it works for now and circumstances change in a few years, you might both be happy to meet up more.

JanglyBeads · 12/04/2023 00:16

It was only a couple of weeks ago

Original poster
resolutely · 12/04/2023 00:17

@Murdoch1949 ... thanks
the idea that literally would not have any weekends together or even a part of, could wear thin ? I would worry about being resentful and frustrated in the future .

OP posts:
HighInfidelity · 12/04/2023 00:20

I think being casual but exclusive could potentially get tricky. I would generally expect either one or the other rather than both together. But if you’re both happy with it and have the time during the week to meet up and do whatever you want then that’s all that matters for now isn’t it?

Original poster
resolutely · 12/04/2023 00:21

@JanglyBeads . It was and I decided not to pursue that. Incredible memory again for a site with thousands of posts weekly..

This situation is different and the outcomes may differ as I would never see him at weekends even though I could make myself free for an odd night here and there.

OP posts:
Original poster
resolutely · 12/04/2023 00:22

Thanks pps.
I believe right now that I could cope with it but would be scared to get in too deep and develop deeper feelings

OP posts:
foxlover47 · 12/04/2023 00:34

I think it sounds great , both going in with the same intention etc
I wouldn't want more than what you're both setting out for being a single busy working mum etc
Fingers crossed for you :)

CalistoNoSolo · 12/04/2023 07:38

JanglyBeads · 12/04/2023 00:16

It was only a couple of weeks ago

So? Go and thread police somewhere else.

CalistoNoSolo · 12/04/2023 07:43

OP, this is exactly how my relationship with my partner started. It was much more an fwb situation and he doesn't have children so had way more freedom than me. I just had (and still have) really strong boundaries, and was very clear on moving in timescales (when it got to that point). We're 9 years in now and although he is a massive part of my and DD's life we don't live together yet (and may never). So imo, do what suits you and your children and forget anyone else's opinion.

Tandora · 12/04/2023 07:44

Personally no I couldn’t handle that. But if it works for you, then that’s all that matters !

MrsRickAstley · 12/04/2023 07:45

It doesn't matter what works for anyone else, does it work for you ?

CalistoNoSolo · 12/04/2023 07:46

Just seen your update - if you're worried you'll get in too deep too quickly then maybe take 6-12 months of zero dating to work on your self esteem and boundaries?

GoodChat · 12/04/2023 07:48

So if you're not going to ever be able to see each other on a weekend, could you actually see each other in the week? You both travel a lot. It sounds like it would be very difficult and basically an exclusive FWB set up.

BCBird · 12/04/2023 07:49

I don't think I could. Could you? When would you be able to see each other,?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/04/2023 07:51

If you’re already worried about weekends then it’s likely not for you.

Do you have the more free time or the older teens? Is that why it worries you?

Original poster
resolutely · 12/04/2023 08:24

I have my free time mostly in the evenings mon /Fri .
We both have plenty of opportunities to meet during the week.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 12/04/2023 08:26

resolutely · 12/04/2023 08:24

I have my free time mostly in the evenings mon /Fri .
We both have plenty of opportunities to meet during the week.

Is he working in your city in the week?

Original poster
resolutely · 12/04/2023 08:28

Yes ... approx 30 mins away. It's doable and would give me a much needed break from my own home to meet and do fun stuff with someone special.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 12/04/2023 08:29

Oh yeah I think it could definitely work if you both want it to then

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/04/2023 08:37

resolutely · 12/04/2023 08:24

I have my free time mostly in the evenings mon /Fri .
We both have plenty of opportunities to meet during the week.

So what is your concern with growing to resent weekends?

Original poster
resolutely · 12/04/2023 09:00

I guess weekends are when the weddings, birthdays, family/ friend events are celebrated and he simply will not be there with me as my plus one , ever
I think that I could get frustrated with that.

OP posts:
JaceLancs · 12/04/2023 09:05

This would be the perfect relationship for me