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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset by mums comments

47 replies

hedgehugsandkisses · 11/04/2023 21:13

I have recently moved in with my parents on a temporary basis following the breakdown of my relationship.

Youngest is 18 months. She's at the stage of grabbing everything is sight, putting everything in her mouth. My mum had her laptop on charge, DS(6) was in my arm reading and I had a cup of tea in my hand so I didn't have time to get to DD before she grabbed the laptop.

It was fine, no damage luckily. I said to her "I think when DD is here and not at her dads we're going to have to put everything valuable out of reach, or if it's not out of reach make sure it's not something that can be damaged etc"

Mum replied "nope. Not in your own house you shouldn't have to do that"

I just said thanks for making me feel welcome mum. So I can't relax and I'm on edge all the time as to what she's going to grab next.

I'm looking for a council house asap but AIBU to have been a bit upset by that comment. She makes them quite often and gets drunk on an evening quite a lot and can be quite nasty with what she says.

OP posts:
ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 11/04/2023 21:15

Yabu, she's given you a place to stay, the least you can do is respect her things.

Smokingonthestairs · 11/04/2023 21:16

I don’t really understand. Did she mean don’t worry about valuable stuff etc, you’re at home?

Bridgingthefeckingmassivegap · 11/04/2023 21:16

Well natural consequences is her laptop etc will get broken, I think it's common sense for most folks to 'baby proof' for toddlers, my parents do this when we visit.

Sounds like you need to prioritize getting back out of there. Did your mum offer for you to come home or do you think she resents having you back?

Newnamenewname109870 · 11/04/2023 21:17

It’s unhelpful. Surely she wants to keep her stuff safe and ensure your children don’t hurt themself?

Maybe it’s the way you said it she feels like you want to take over? Maybe talk to her about it again later when you’re both calmer. I’m sorry about all you’ve been through.

Original poster
hedgehugsandkisses · 11/04/2023 21:18

It's not that I don't respect her things. It's just with an 18 month old it takes a second and before you have chance they've got something in they're mouth, grabbed something. Especially if I'm paying attention to my older DS.

I remember baby proofing my "own house" when he was little just to make life easier and it safer for him, and he was an easier toddler in terms of those things than DD.

That's kind of why I asked her to try not to leave valuables in toddlers reach, on the off chance like tonight where accidents happen.

OP posts:
potatowhale · 11/04/2023 21:18

Yeah sorry you're a guest. She'll change her tune once DC smashes something. You'll be out soon though

potatowhale · 11/04/2023 21:20

hedgehugsandkisses · 11/04/2023 21:18

It's not that I don't respect her things. It's just with an 18 month old it takes a second and before you have chance they've got something in they're mouth, grabbed something. Especially if I'm paying attention to my older DS.

I remember baby proofing my "own house" when he was little just to make life easier and it safer for him, and he was an easier toddler in terms of those things than DD.

That's kind of why I asked her to try not to leave valuables in toddlers reach, on the off chance like tonight where accidents happen.

Yeah I get it but she doesn't want you thinking this is anything more than temporary and she won't change for you

Original poster
hedgehugsandkisses · 11/04/2023 21:20

No she meant in her own home, she shouldn't have to babyproof/ be conscious where she leaves her things.

She offered me to stay there. She said don't go back to him 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Number0ne · 11/04/2023 21:26

Suppose it depends how your comment was said to her. If it's coming across like you're telling her what's happening in her own house she might have got her back up. If it wasn't said like that then she is BU.

Mischance · 11/04/2023 21:28

In her shoes I would baby proof the house as far as possible for everyone's peace of mind. I do that for my small GC and they are only here for a few hours at a time. It is going to make your stay very stressful if she does not rethink this.

MuffinToSeeHere · 11/04/2023 21:30

To be honest as much as things happen with young children around you should be trying to mitigate those things not dictating to her what she should be doing in her own home. Telling her to put her things away is not very polite. At the end of the day you and your children are guests in her home and should be trying to respect her things.

YouJustDoYou · 11/04/2023 21:32

MuffinToSeeHere · 11/04/2023 21:30

To be honest as much as things happen with young children around you should be trying to mitigate those things not dictating to her what she should be doing in her own home. Telling her to put her things away is not very polite. At the end of the day you and your children are guests in her home and should be trying to respect her things.

This.

YouJustDoYou · 11/04/2023 21:34

When I had to stay at my mums I simply had to be with the toddler and the older one all the time (as mum had so, so much pretty glasssware out etc, sigh), and be on the ball on the time. It was her house, I never would've asked her to make changes for me.

Yummymummy2020 · 11/04/2023 21:38

I actually think you are being reasonable op. Your mum offered for you to stay knowing your situation with a young toddler. I baby proof for my own kids but prior to that I did it for visitors too! The sooner the better you get out of there as it sounds like she liked the idea of kids around but not the reality!

F4cesittingqueen · 11/04/2023 21:40

I guess that’s fair enough for her. It’s not really terribly nice, but it is her house. I think PP was right, if you try and get back out there, you’ll have the chance to meet someone and move on with your life. Then you won’t have to live with her and can do your own thing with dd. Good luck op xx

Floribundaflummery · 11/04/2023 21:40

Is it possible to ask her (when she hasn't had a drink) if she would mind if you make one of the living rooms toddler friendly because you are worried about damaging her things, then there can be one safe space where you can relax a bit. Or an area you can separate with barrier or something for toddler to play in.

It’s sad for you that when you are vulnerable she has not made you feel welcome but some people are really sensitive to tone of voice and wording so maybe she just got shirty about that? Hope you get your own place very soon OP.

herlightmaterials · 11/04/2023 21:45

You're right but it sounds like you're not very welcome and this visit is a strain.

daydreaming4 · 11/04/2023 21:48

It's just a clash of two different life stages, nothing more difficult than raising children in someone else's space. I have friends who have done this and a struggle both sides is inevitable.
Try to focus that this is temporary.
The comments made after gran has had alcohol is a conversation best had when she isn't intoxicated.
Stay strong, take kids out often even if just for a walk n feed the ducks it gives everything a chance to settle .

Yellowdays · 11/04/2023 22:06

Mischance · 11/04/2023 21:28

In her shoes I would baby proof the house as far as possible for everyone's peace of mind. I do that for my small GC and they are only here for a few hours at a time. It is going to make your stay very stressful if she does not rethink this.

Same here. Compromise all round seems the best, here.

SophiaSW1 · 11/04/2023 23:12

You're being overly sensitive and a bit unreasonable

Murdoch1949 · 12/04/2023 00:32

Waiting for a council house, is that realistic?

Dontbelieveaword · 12/04/2023 00:37

Mum.or not, why did you move in with a nasty drunk with two young children? You could be on council list for years if there's adequate space for you all in your mums.

TomeTome · 12/04/2023 00:38

Use your bedroom like a bed sit and visit their parts of the house when invited. It’s free presumably so save hard and get out asap.

nigelthornberry69 · 12/04/2023 00:43

She sounds like she's being a bit resentful and nasty. Obviously no one particularly likes having to baby proof even their own house but

a) she invited you to stay

b) surely it's common sense and lower stress for everyone to just suggest that if it's important to you and you're not using it, leave it where the toddler can't reach it? Even if you're on form you're not going to get there before she does 100% of the time and she'll still be annoyed if something is broken

From your comments about the drinking and the saying nasty things I am guessing you know in your heart she is being horrid but you want reassurance. Living with that sort of behaviour can give you a funny perspective on what's okay sometimes.

Crumpleton · 12/04/2023 00:45

You could be on council list for years if there's adequate space for you all in your mums.

This...
You'll not be classed as homeless if there's room at your mum's house for you.