what happens if I die or have a serious accident

[Boogismyname]

Posted here for traffic:
I can't go into detail because what I would disclose would be incredibly outing, it is not a drip feed.
I am deliberately estranged from my family as an adult because of child sex abuse committed by them as well as other types of abuse (emotional abuse, gas lighting) and I have recently made a disclosure to the police about them due to a minor being in contact with them.
I am in my thirties and now live in a safe place, but something that is on my mind is that if I had a serious accident that a decision to withdraw care etc. or if I died, whether it be due to suicide or to something else, how would my family find out... or would they at all? (I've asked for my hospital / GP records to not link me to them.
Registration at my GP has asked for a next of kin but I have put 'N/A' because although I have an abundance of supportive friends that know my background, I wouldn't want to put that pressure upon them. (This attitude is most probably a projection of past pains from my childhood).
My GP/medical records/mental health team are aware of everything in my past because I like to be very open so they can help me as much as possible and they do.
Not a nice topic, but if anyone has any genuine information about such things, can you please reply? Thank you very much.

I know you don't want to impose on friends and neighbours but if you are a kind person people will look out for you, and someone will be willing to help you out if you end up in hospital.

Over the years I known a few older people who have ended up in hospital who have a least one friend/neighbour look out for them and help with their health care and social care. In fact it is better for you to have a pushy friend/neighbour do that as if you aren't related they can't be expected to do the care for you.

Oh and please write a will.

If you're a member of a union through work, they can also offer Will writing services sometimes. Wills aren't just about who gets what - you can leave instructions for funeral arrangements etc.

I've given my best friend a key to my house and instructions where to find my will should I die. I've also left a copy at the solicitors who drafted it for me.

I think diy wills are fine if things are very straightforward, but the OP has a toxic family, I would want there to be no possible comeback for them on a poorly written will, so for the OP I think a properly drawn up will would be safest, and also the solicitor can keep a copy safe and secure.

OP, am so sorry that you have been subjected to abuse. And angry at those responsible.

I hope that the very act of making a will might make you feel that you have made another step in making your life your own, separate from your abusers.

You can make a will very simply by using a form from WH Smith and following the instructions about signing and witnessing. If you choose a charity as a beneficiary include their charity reg number in case they change their name. And I would choose a big long established charity rather than a small one which might wind up.

You can also put specific instructions in your will, such as ‘I have made no provision for any relatives, including (names of) mother, father, uncles aunts. They are not financially dependent on me, we have been estranged for many years and I do not wish any part of my estate to be passed on to any of them or their descendants’.

Good luck OP, I hope this process is if help to you, and keeps you secure in the knowledge that they cannot benefit from all you have worked for.

Meanwhile, be proud of your survivor status and take what strength you can from all that you have worked for.

You deserve it!

This.

Please go and see a solicitor.

If you don't write a will or it is wrongly written - and yes that can happen - you risk the wrong family member decided they have inherited your stuff and will throw it away/sell it/destroy it before the rightful owner can claim it.

Put down a friend as your Next of kin. Nobody is an island.
You family could find out you died if they search the records.
Please get (additional) help for your suicidal feelings.

Marlow Wills is run by a MMer, has been used by lots of MN members, including me, and are very reasonable compared to lots of high st solicitors. Yvonne works via telephone and e mail.
https://www.marlowwills.co.uk/

I'd definitely recommend getting a Will in place, even if you only have one drawn up informally for now.

Depending on what you'd like to do with your estate, you could benefit from a cheaper will writing service when Will Aid is on. It will be in November this year where you get a will written for no cost in exchange for a £100 donation to their charity.

A friend of mine has a brother who has been continuously nasty to his mum. The mum has now re written her will to cut him out and leave it all to my friend. This was very sad for her to have to do, but once it was done she felt stronger than she had for ages because she felt she had finally taken some control. You may feel this too if you take steps to legally cut your abusers out.

To answer your original question OP, if you arrived in hospital unable to communicate for some reason or in a situation in which you had died they would search your hospital records for a NOK. Failing that they would contact your GP for a NOK or look to see if anyone had been present when you were brought to hospital who knew a NOK. If you were known to mental health services they might also check with them if you had ever given a NOK.

If you do not want your family to be contacted as NOK I would strongly suggest giving a friends details to your GP/the hospital if you attend there instead so as to make your intentions very clear.

@Boogismyname Have a look at advanced directives. It can be useful for making your medical wishes and decisions known whilst in a sound state of health.

I have this as I too am estranged. It dictates at which point I would like 'extraordinary measures' to preserve life to be ceased; what medications I will consent to in a mental health crisis; who to contact if I am not fit to contact appropriate people myself. It also lists the physical location of my will.

My will lists allocation of my estate, care of pets and funerary plans.

If you want to know any more feel free to pm me. X

Most of the big Age and Cancer national charities have arrangements with solicitors who will donate their services to you for free, to make your Will.

Either, you donate their fee to the charity now (very modest cost) . Or, you can just write it into the Will as a bequest to that charity when you die.

No, she should pay a professional what will probably be under £200 to get a proper one.

What OP needs is peace of mind. It's worth paying for someone who knows what they're doing and can advise on the appropriate clauses to include that'll make it clear she doesn't want family involved and why. People can challenge a will, and if they're that awful it can't be ruled out. Best to try and pre-emptively fuck up any attempt.

DIY ones are risky enough when people's affairs are genuinely straightforward. Here, they're not, so OP needs a qualified legal professional not WH Smith. She can also be advised on powers of attorney whilst there.

I have a will and a Lasting Power of Attorney (do both). I did both through Marlow Wills (did it all via Zoom and email). Brilliant experience from start to finish.
💐

Firstly sort a will out ad otherwise any assets could end up with someone you don't want them to, never to young to do this just refresh it every 10 years or as your circumstances change. Even if you leave everything toa charity.
2ndly I would nominate at next of kin just to be sure, put in writing what you would want to happen, a living will. Go through it with them so they are clear on what you want then pressure off them as they are only acting on your wishes.
3rdly If you don't pay for it i at least have written down your wishes for your funeral then it's all clear.
After this I would just get on with enjoying life and just review above as and when you feel it is needed.

I made a will when I was 30 as I'm a single mother. It was really easy, and actually only cost £250. Well well worth it.

There will be a next of kin who is responsible for sorting out your belongings and any estate. If no one is named and family are not known Social Services do this, but they do trace nearest family and inform them.
If you do not want that to happen make a will and ask some of your friends to be executor. Then give the hospital their address as contact.
If you did that no one needs to tell your family anything. They might hear through word of mouth, but there is no official requirement to inform them.

We had a friend in a similar position but they had no family rather than not wanting family to know anything. They died very recently.

They did everything with a solicitor from a will, POA’s and making their wishes known about the funeral and disposal and dispersal of assets. There was also a list of a small number of people to be informed when they died. In essence the solicitor has become their next of kin and executor. The solicitor is responsible for making the funeral arrangements and dealing with everything associated with the estate, from clearing and selling the house, rehoming the dog and so on and so forth.

They died in hospital and the solicitor was advised of a sudden turn in their health and death in the same manner as any other NOK would be.

I don’t have a clue as to how much this will cost, although it will all come out of his estate before any of the bequests. It’s all been very neat and tidy.

@sofar887 yes thanks for answering that, I needed clarity

Are you okay? You mentioned suicide and I wanted to check, it sounds like you've been through hell x

Yes I've been through hell and back, thanks for the validation, that's really helpful. My abuser used to call me a liar and deny my reality and that was almost as bad as the physical secual molestation. Cunts.
I do have some people that don't understand, especially when I've been lesser able to communicate that have said: 'you're OK now though aren't you?' To be totally honest, I didn't show my vulnerabilities hardly much then though.
Thanks everyone for being helpful, it means alot xxxxxx

For those asking; I don't really have enough help from the mental health team and such. I have had NHS specialist psychological help but that has ended.
I have the mental health team but they aren't really helpful, they just tell me to look at what I have achieved in life and that I am an intelligent woman.
I'd say more but it would be too outing.

I wouldn't want the abuser/s have rights over my vulnerable/dead/dying body as they did when I was with them.
That's why I'm very supportive of children setting their own boundaries and knowing body autonomy.

No one rational would want that. I’m so sorry that the people who should have loved and protected you abused you. Have you tried NPAC at all? They are a charity that may be able to support where the NHS is falling short.
https://napac.org.uk/

They referred me to a local group and I’m in a long term therapy group where it’s women only and my group is six fellow survivors. We connect weekly with a therapist and can chat about what is bothering us.

Thankyou, I think I have heard about this but will pursue.