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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

what happens if I die or have a serious accident

78 replies

Boogismyname · 11/04/2023 13:44

Posted here for traffic:
I can't go into detail because what I would disclose would be incredibly outing, it is not a drip feed.
I am deliberately estranged from my family as an adult because of child sex abuse committed by them as well as other types of abuse (emotional abuse, gas lighting) and I have recently made a disclosure to the police about them due to a minor being in contact with them.
I am in my thirties and now live in a safe place, but something that is on my mind is that if I had a serious accident that a decision to withdraw care etc. or if I died, whether it be due to suicide or to something else, how would my family find out... or would they at all? (I've asked for my hospital / GP records to not link me to them.
Registration at my GP has asked for a next of kin but I have put 'N/A' because although I have an abundance of supportive friends that know my background, I wouldn't want to put that pressure upon them. (This attitude is most probably a projection of past pains from my childhood).
My GP/medical records/mental health team are aware of everything in my past because I like to be very open so they can help me as much as possible and they do.
Not a nice topic, but if anyone has any genuine information about such things, can you please reply? Thank you very much.

OP posts:
Boogismyname · 11/04/2023 14:10

Thankyou for being respectful and not asking for additional information, I would love to say more, but it is best not to because I need to protect anonymity even though they absolutely do not deserve it.

OP posts:
TrombonesAreNotBones · 11/04/2023 14:13

I hope you can progress this for your peace of mind.

Take care and best wishes.

MorrisZapp · 11/04/2023 14:15

Boogismyname · 11/04/2023 14:07

I'd probably leave all my money to a mental health charity that is doing their best to fund therapy for people and end the stigma of mental illness.

Can I be honest please? I hear this all the time too. I'll leave to to the dogs home. I'll leave it to my dear friend who has helped me so much. I'll leave it to my lovely neighbour.

None of these intentions count for anything unless you complete a legal will and have it correctly dated, witnessed etc. It might cost a few hundred quid and it's a bit of a faff but anything else is just chat. I hope I don't sound rude but I've met so many people who thought they were getting money 'he always said he'd leave it to me!' but the purest and most genuine intentions don't count. Even if written in a letter or if you write on your wall GIVE IT ALL TO MARY, without a legally valid will it's going to follow intestate rules.

I don't mean rush out and do it today, but please do have it on your list for attention when you're able.

KittyAlfred · 11/04/2023 14:16

If you die intestate then your entire estate goes to your next of kin, which I assume would be your parents if they are still alive and you aren't married. So not only would they be told of your death, they'd also get everything you own. So I think your priority is to make a will.

Manchestermummax3 · 11/04/2023 14:19

I think there's plenty of practical advice already given but to me (& forgive me if I'm totally wrong) but it sounds to me as if you are getting your ducks in a row. You mention suicide.

Are you safe OP?
Do you have contact with mental health services?

Highdaysandholidays1 · 11/04/2023 14:25

@L3ThirtySeven you sound like a wonderful friend to have.

NiftyFiftyPlus · 11/04/2023 14:28

If you are employed and have a pension or death in service benefit, don’t forget to ensure beneficiaries are up-to-date. I would also leave a signed letter explaining why your family shouldn’t receive any money.

Boogismyname · 11/04/2023 14:31

@Manchestermummax3 I think of suicide daily... and have done so regularly since before I was 9 years old. I would be mortified if I knew my child was in such a bad mental state but they didn't and don't care, they just don't want to get into trouble for what they've done. I have mental health intervention from the NHS and they are very aware. Thankyou for your concern, that's lovely.
@MorrisZapp yes, you are very right, I will have it done.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 11/04/2023 14:35

Make a will and leave it prominently. Tell all your friends where it is. I have had a Will in place since I was 25

Lakeyloo · 11/04/2023 14:36

Manchestermummax3 · 11/04/2023 14:19

I think there's plenty of practical advice already given but to me (& forgive me if I'm totally wrong) but it sounds to me as if you are getting your ducks in a row. You mention suicide.

Are you safe OP?
Do you have contact with mental health services?

Came to say the same and am really hoping I have got the wrong impression.
OP you are an incredibly brave person and I so hope you are getting the support you fully deserve and need.

FunnyFox · 11/04/2023 14:37

Retired solicitor here. In my view everyone should make a will, irrespective of how young they are or how much assets they think they will be leaving, unless they are categorically happy with their estate being distributed under the intestacy rules. Even then, the intestacy rules do not govern certain things, like your wishes as regards your funeral etc.

Please note that the rules vary depending on which jurisdiction you are in, and there are different rules depending on the timing of different events.

A good place to start to find out how the intestacy rules might apply to you is >>>

www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

It is possible to make a basic will and then later amend or update it as your circumstances change and develop, and indeed there are certain life events (eg marriage) which will revoke an earlier will, so once you have made a will it is a good idea to review it from time to time to make sure you are still happy with it. It is particularly important to review a will after any major life event - eg birth of a child, death of a partner.

As well as making a will, everyone should also consider putting in place powers of attorney which will kick in only if and when something unfortunate happens. None do us know when that something unfortunate might happen, and once it does we may not be in a position to direct how our affairs should be managed and it is an incredibly difficult and stressful additional burden for surviving family and friends to deal with the situation when someone is incapacitated and that person hasn't put in place the mechanisms to allow others to take sometimes very basic steps to keep things going....like dealing with bank accounts, utilities, mortgages etc

A little bit of thinking ahead, and seeing this as being sensible rather than morbid, means you can put your mind at rest that after if you are incapacitated or once you are gone, whatever wishes you have about how things are to be dealt with in those circumstances will (hopefully) be respected.

Boogismyname · 11/04/2023 14:39

Lakeyloo · 11/04/2023 14:36

Came to say the same and am really hoping I have got the wrong impression.
OP you are an incredibly brave person and I so hope you are getting the support you fully deserve and need.

Thank you very much. Life is very hard and has been made so by negligent and abusive people.
I wouldn't want it to happen to anyone else, notably a child.

OP posts:
FunnyFox · 11/04/2023 14:40

While I was writing my message, you wrote further about your suicidal ideation. I am very sorry to hear that, and I hope you get all the help and support you need to help you through.

Hesma · 11/04/2023 14:40

I would make a will and include for the solicitor to inform your family if you so wish. If you don’t want them to be informed then I don’t see why you should feel obligated.

ColdHandsHotHead · 11/04/2023 14:41

You can make a will at any age. I made mine for the first time when I bought my first home. I was 38 I think. Even if you think you have nothing to leave, you can ensure that you remember the right people in it. My executor is not someone in my family, it's a friend whom I can trust.

Boogismyname · 11/04/2023 14:42

Stupid question: do I just google a local solicitor and go from there?
Do I need to search for one with this specialism?

OP posts:
viques · 11/04/2023 14:44

Put an ICE listing in your mobile phone for a friend, make sure you tell them though!

In Case of Emergency.

If your phone is password protected then write it on a card, laminate it and keep on your purse or wallet.

KittyAlfred · 11/04/2023 14:46

Boogismyname · 11/04/2023 14:42

Stupid question: do I just google a local solicitor and go from there?
Do I need to search for one with this specialism?

I asked for recommendations on my local area facebook group

viques · 11/04/2023 14:49

Boogismyname · 11/04/2023 14:42

Stupid question: do I just google a local solicitor and go from there?
Do I need to search for one with this specialism?

Try Googling charity will making. Some charities team up with solicitors to offer reduced price will writing. Obviously the charity is hoping you will leave them something, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to. You will get a copy of the will to keep and the solicitor will also keep a copy. Keep your copy with all your other documents like passport and birth certificate, but let your friends know that you have made one, they don’t need to be in it, or to see it, but if it has instructions about communicating with your family, or arranging a funeral they need to know it is there.

gogohmm · 11/04/2023 14:51

In your situation I would recommend making a will stating your wishes including that your funeral details should not published in the newspaper or online, and clearly state where your estate should go after fees and any debts are paid - could be friends, could be a charity - you should also nominate an executor who could be a solicitor. Please do seek help both professional and from wider society as you obviously do need support. You are never too young, and in your case you do not want the default nok to be activated, your family

Boogismyname · 11/04/2023 14:52

Thanks, @viques, That's useful.

OP posts:
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 11/04/2023 15:00

I'm not a lawyer so prepared to be corrected, but in your circumstances, OP, I would have thought a very simple will would be enough. You can buy pre-printed will forms in stationers. The key things are to make sure your instructions are clear*, and then to sign and date it and get your signature witnessed by two people who aren't going to inherit anything from you. They don't need to see what's in the will, just that you are signing it. You could leave that with a letter specifying that you don't want your family notified.

*By which I mean you need to specify exactly who you want to get the money - so if it was MIND, just for the sake of example, put down their current address as well as their name, so there can be no doubt who you mean.

Flowers Good luck. You sound like a very brave woman.

sorryiasked · 11/04/2023 15:03

You definitely need a Will so that your affairs are dealt with in the event of your death.
However, in my view it is more important that you have Power of Attorney as this would cover decisions re your care (and finances) in the event of a non fatal but incapacitating accident or illness. You can do these yourself online if you're good with forms/administration otherwise a local solicitor will be able to help.
Charities often offer free or reduced rate Will writing if you are thinking of leaving your estate to them anyway.

Crabwoman · 11/04/2023 15:04

If you are in a union, they often offer reduced will writing services.
But any High Street solicitor will be able to do this for you.