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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you say anything or ignore kids unkind behaviour

43 replies

PorridgeMonster1 · 11/04/2023 12:02

DD6 has been friends with a girl in her class since starting school almost 2 years ago. This girl (girl 1) has I’ve noticed always been bit prone to bossiness/does things like invites DD over for a play date but then doesn’t want to share her toys/every game has to be her way etc, but DD always seemed to enjoy her company so I reasoned young kids can sometimes be a bit like that……anyway in recent months I can’t help but notice that the girl’s behaviour has become very controlling. There’s another girl in the class they’re friends with (girl 2?), and if DD and girl 2 so much as speak to each other, girl 1 will “tell them off” (hands on hips, glaring, announcing she’s finding a teacher to “tell on them”). On occasion girl 2’s mum has dropped my DD home if I’ve been working etc and girl 1 has had a huge public drama involving crying and stamping her feet and wailing it’s not fair that girl 2’s mum is dropping my daughter home. Her mum rushes to appease her that “they’re not having a play date without you” and both of them have (several times) stood and waited then watched like a hawk by the school gate to check whether we get into our own cars or not….it’s intense!
DD doesn’t enjoy play dates with her any more because other than she resents in her words “not being allowed to talk to girl 2” at school because of how closely girl 1 keeps an eye on their interactions, she has also grown tired of the bossy behaviour and the put downs - always being told “I’m better than you at…..” or being scolded for absolutely anything “don’t pick dandelions!”
(cue rushing to tell me and her own mum that DD has picked a dandelion) “don’t have more water!” if she drinks out of her water bottle in the playground…..it’s pretty annoying to be honest. Final straw for me was girl 1 made some really unkind comments about my toddler the other day.
issue is this - girl 1’s mum is asking for
play dates - she knows I’m not going to be busy every day of the holidays……or every weekend……would you broach this behaviour with her? Or just keep quiet? She’s actually witnessed it so many times and not said a word, but is very quick to act judgementally towards others I have noted 🤨

OP posts:
seebertie · 11/04/2023 12:07

I would tell their teacher so she can encourage a friendship with girl 2. I would also arrange playdates with girl 2. I would also train my daughter in boundary setting and what firmly to say in certain situations.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 11/04/2023 12:11

I would explain to the mum that your daughter doesn't enjoy the play dates as much as she use to and if she asks why I would tell her and say perhaps they have grown apart for now. I would inform the class teacher and I would let her be friends with the ther girl and/or anyone she wants to

Original poster
PorridgeMonster1 · 11/04/2023 12:13

DD has fairly regular play dates with girl 2. The issue is they’re not allowed to talk in school/breathe without girl 1’s written permission, and both of them seem to accept this for some reason but then obviously come home and seethe about it 😂
tell DD all the time how she doesn’t have to follow girl 1’s rules, and she knows this and says all the time how unfair it is - yet won’t speak up at school. Think half the problem is girl 1 turns on the tears very quickly and DD is worried she will get in trouble for “making her cry”

OP posts:
Gigantasaurus · 11/04/2023 12:14

Is girl 1 an only/eldest child by any chance? I'd definitely bring this up with school so they can help mediate between the girls, they are probably already aware of the dramatics as these things rarely go unseen.

Original poster
PorridgeMonster1 · 11/04/2023 12:15

@Gigantasaurus yes she is both! Well spotted 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
PorridgeMonster1 · 11/04/2023 12:15

Sorry not both - an only child - knackered today!

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 11/04/2023 12:18

Encourage dd to play with friend 2 and if that upsets girl1 that is a shame but not her fault. She is doing nothing wrong and cant talk/play with who she wants. She shouldnt exclude girl 1 from group games but she should not feel obliged to play with girl 1 either.

Talk about what makes a good friend and if girl1 isnt that then distance herself. Also saying she might change over time and learn to be a good friend.

MuseumGardens · 11/04/2023 12:19

I think you and your dd need to walk away from her when she tantrums rather than cow towing to her

MelchiorsMistress · 11/04/2023 12:19

Well done to your dd for recognising that this girl is not a good friend to her. Your main focus has to be to make sure your dd knows what she can say or do when someone else is trying to control her or is being mean. I’d speak to the school to let them know that it’s a problem.

When the other mum asks for play dates I’d be as honest as you can be. Tell her that you dd has come home upset after other play dates because of her child’s behaviour.

OrigamiOwls · 11/04/2023 12:28

You don't owe this other mum your daughter's time. Her daughter's behaviour has consequences.

Dustybarn · 11/04/2023 12:33

How about “Thanks for the play date invite, but DD would like to spend some time these holidays with her other friends. I have noticed and I am sure you have too that DD has been quite upset after recent play dates with x, so I think they are probably outgrowing the friendship.”

KvotheTheBloodless · 11/04/2023 12:37

Go into school and have a word with the teacher - we had to do this for DS5, when our little Ukrainian guest wasn't letting him play with anyone else, and kept threatening to tell the teacher on him. Poor DS is a very obedient child who is never in trouble, and he was really upset by the thought of being told off, even when we explained that the teacher wouldn't do that.

What worked was the teacher having a word with them together, and saying that DS can play with anyone he wants, and that whilst our guest is welcome to join in, she can't monopolise him or stop him playing with his friends.

Hankunamatata · 11/04/2023 12:51

Urgh. Sounds like she needs some guidance in social interactions especially since the mother isn't correcting her behaviour. With school antics Id have a polite chat with their teacher. They may be able to watch this girls behaviour and perhaps if they have social groups to help kids who struggle socially.

If you can face it, I'd be tempted to do a playdate with girl 1 and police it very carefully (aka hover over them) and do structured activities. Every time she shows mean bossy behaviour, remind her that's not how you behave in your house.

Original poster
PorridgeMonster1 · 11/04/2023 14:38

Not sure how well received it would be, and whether it would make pickup etc awkward???

OP posts:
Violetparis · 11/04/2023 14:52

Your daughter is your priority in all of this, not the girl and her mother. Your daughter shouldn't be made to go on playdate with this girl just to avoid awkwardness. I would try and distance myself and my daughter from them both.

Original poster
PorridgeMonster1 · 11/04/2023 15:50

Yes I do agree she is the priority @Violetparis i just wasn’t sure how to distance myself without it being really noticeable that I’m doing so. It’s a shame as I had thought/hoped they had a nice little friendship. In others experience, do girls like this tend to change? Or is this type of behaviour likely to remain a large part of her character so steer clear?

OP posts:
MuseumGardens · 11/04/2023 15:56

PorridgeMonster1 · 11/04/2023 15:50

Yes I do agree she is the priority @Violetparis i just wasn’t sure how to distance myself without it being really noticeable that I’m doing so. It’s a shame as I had thought/hoped they had a nice little friendship. In others experience, do girls like this tend to change? Or is this type of behaviour likely to remain a large part of her character so steer clear?

In my experience the kids who were unkind and pushy never changed. In fact one of them was accused of bullying in her university halls.

bunhead1979 · 11/04/2023 15:58

I have been on the receiving end of this as my eldest could be quite bossy and single minded with friends. Yes it hurts and is a bit awkward when the other parent tells you their child doesn't want to play with yours anymore but its just one of these things, the friendship is not working anymore and I did respect that. It prompted me to keep a closer eye on playdates, be quick to pick up my kid on anything that was too much, and also encouraged my kid to mix with other kids, sometimes its just not a good fit and kids change what they want from friends. In the end my kid ended up with a really bossy friend and they kind of balanced each other out and they could both navigate that themselves better. Good luck, it can be really tricky, especially when you dont' know how the other adult with handle it. I would go along with what PP has said about taking a break etc. Definitely have a word with school as well, they are generally great and ironing out this kind of problem and can steer the kids different directions.

BevMarsh · 11/04/2023 15:58

My DD is almost a teen and from the girls in her class (yr6) I can honestly say the ones that were like friend 1 in reception class are still like that now.
Unfortunately.
Parents on the whole enable this and tend to be the entitled not so nice mums at the school gate.

Original poster
PorridgeMonster1 · 11/04/2023 16:05

It absolutely baffles me that her mum is actually really strict with relatively minor things like only having chocolate once a week and bedtime is very much on the dot whatever they’re doing that day, but she will allow unkind and rude behaviour that I would be mortified by one of my kids doing.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 11/04/2023 16:06

I wouldn’t accept play date with child one. I’d just say thanks but no thanks. If Mum pushes I’d say they don’t seem to be as close as they were.
I’d give school a heads up re dynamics - I suspect child 1 will start with telling tales if they stop playing with her. It’s a hard one - child one will feel excluded but your dc and child 2 shouldn’t have to play with someone bossing them around.
I’d encourage dc to have friends and activities outside school.

Violetparis · 11/04/2023 16:11

My daughter had a controlling friend when she was younger. Now they are both 17, the controlling friend is still a nightmare and has few friends. I'm not sure if you can distance yourself without it being noticeable but you have to for your daughter's sake. I'm not confrontational at all but did tell the mother of my daughters friend why she didn't want to play with her. I was standing up for my daughter and it had to be done.

unclebuck · 11/04/2023 16:15

We had this and it really escalated in year 3 with the mother becoming almost obsessive over perceived slights - who was invited where and with whom. I told her bluntly I couldn't be bothered with this nonsense and I'd told DD to ignore it too. I'd advise you to tell your DD that she is not responsible for this other girls feelings and that she has no power to tell her what to do. If she starts this at school tell her "We do not want to play with you because you shout at us and we do not like it".

Snoopystick · 11/04/2023 16:23

I could have written this about my own DD, she is 14 now but had a ‘friend’ in class who seemed to control all the other girls. My DD used to go off and play with boys mostly but she’d get upset as this girl would not let her play with some of the other girls. I kept telling her to just join in etc. It all came to a head when my DD actually stood up to her but made this girl cry in doing so and her mum went into school and complained. I asked the teacher after this to keep an eye out and thankfully it settled down.

2bazookas · 11/04/2023 16:25

You need to calmly btell G1's mother "No, sorry, there won;t be any playdates . I'm afraid DD has said very firmly she doesnt want to play with your daughter because she doesn't like being treated like that. Bossed around, told mean things etc. I think its best if they take a break from each other. " When she argues, you need to say " No, I'm afraid that's how it is ; I'm backing my daughters right to refuse to be bullied. "

I would also bring this to the attention of their class teacher, say you'd prefer DD to have a little distance from G1, and ask her to be on the lookout for any repercussions/ squabbles in school.