Would you say anything or ignore kids unkind behaviour

[PorridgeMonster1]

DD6 has been friends with a girl in her class since starting school almost 2 years ago. This girl (girl 1) has I’ve noticed always been bit prone to bossiness/does things like invites DD over for a play date but then doesn’t want to share her toys/every game has to be her way etc, but DD always seemed to enjoy her company so I reasoned young kids can sometimes be a bit like that……anyway in recent months I can’t help but notice that the girl’s behaviour has become very controlling. There’s another girl in the class they’re friends with (girl 2?), and if DD and girl 2 so much as speak to each other, girl 1 will “tell them off” (hands on hips, glaring, announcing she’s finding a teacher to “tell on them”). On occasion girl 2’s mum has dropped my DD home if I’ve been working etc and girl 1 has had a huge public drama involving crying and stamping her feet and wailing it’s not fair that girl 2’s mum is dropping my daughter home. Her mum rushes to appease her that “they’re not having a play date without you” and both of them have (several times) stood and waited then watched like a hawk by the school gate to check whether we get into our own cars or not….it’s intense!
DD doesn’t enjoy play dates with her any more because other than she resents in her words “not being allowed to talk to girl 2” at school because of how closely girl 1 keeps an eye on their interactions, she has also grown tired of the bossy behaviour and the put downs - always being told “I’m better than you at…..” or being scolded for absolutely anything “don’t pick dandelions!”
(cue rushing to tell me and her own mum that DD has picked a dandelion) “don’t have more water!” if she drinks out of her water bottle in the playground…..it’s pretty annoying to be honest. Final straw for me was girl 1 made some really unkind comments about my toddler the other day.
issue is this - girl 1’s mum is asking for
play dates - she knows I’m not going to be busy every day of the holidays……or every weekend……would you broach this behaviour with her? Or just keep quiet? She’s actually witnessed it so many times and not said a word, but is very quick to act judgementally towards others I have noted 🤨

Mother is very rigid and controlling to her daughter, and that's exactly how the kid behaves to her own friends; she learned it from her role model.

@2bazookas you make a good point

Report to teacher.

My DD11 has recently tried to distance herself from a controlling and possessive friend. The friend's behaviour included physically clinging to/ following my DD and moving her away from another friend, as well as giving my DD an excessive amount of gifts when she politely said "No thank you" - including some expensive toys which made DD (and me) feel uncomfortable.

We spoke to school about DD being overwhelmed and stifled by the other child. School were supportive and said this child has a pattern of this behaviour and they intervened with some social help.

We have distanced ourselves and no more play dates, but the child is now being quite mean to my DD and trying to ridicule her in front of other kids. I'm not sure what the solution is. Good luck with your situation.

You don't need to say anything, just be unavailable.

If she wants to think you're making excuses, fine, it will prompt her to question why you don't want olaydates with them.

You don't owe them an explanation. You don't need to turn yourself into the bad guy.

Ok, I've had a very similar situation with two boys in DS's class. It became very controlling and upsetting to DS and bullying was an active part of the dynamic between the three boys.

In the end we raised it with school because it got so bad.

I said to the Mum, that my child was having problems with friendships and we wouldn't be doing playdates for the time being as it wasn't working for DS and we would be asking the school to work on the group dynamics.

In your situation I would avoid using the word controlling about the child but might go as far as saying I didnt think it was working for my daughter ATM and it was causing a significant amount of upset. If mum pushes, just say you will be talking to the school about the group dynamics to make positive changes for all the girls and don't want to address it with her directly because you want to avoid conflict or additional problems due to misunderstandings between adults.

Controlling behaviour like this, is no ok. You need to teach your daughter it's ok to say no to someone if she is unhappy and she isn't being mean in doing so, if the reason is the other girl is trying to control who she can and can't be friends with. If school bleat on about being kind, make the point about healthy relationship development and coercive relationships and how the other child needs to work on understanding and respecting other peoples boundaries and it is not ok for them to just say ' they need to learn work it out themselves' if it's causing that level of problems.

Don't engage with the other mum. It's not your problem. Redirect everything via school and your reason being not wanting to cause additional conflict / drama.

Yes, this is common. These kids often cry and kick up a massive fuss when confronted and it leaves other kids at a loss how to deal with it.

My DC 7 has a "friend" like this, and has been that way since age 3! People really don't tend to change.

I honestly feel like I could have written this post. My little girl is 8 and has had a friend like this since they were 3. Constantly telling her off, not allowing her to play certain games in the playground, huffing if she so much as looks at another child. She's the oldest of three girls and I feel like she is just bossy by nature. They are still friends but with lots of encouragement my daughter has learned how to set boundaries and is getting much better at ignoring the telling off and has made herself lots of other little friends. It's is still a struggle I'll be honest and I'm waiting with hope for the day the friendship
runs its course.

I’m encouraging other friendships for DD but it’s very awkward as it’s a tiny school with very few girls in their class, so any shift in friendships would be noticeable. We have historically also had very regular play dates with this girl, so again noticeable that we are now not available……..as someone mentioned up thread, hopefully the girl and her mum will wonder why the play dates aren’t happening any more and reflect on their behaviour. The more I think about the two of them patrolling outside the school gate to check who’s going home with who, the more outrageous I realise it is 🙄

This and other similar issues will continue throughout svhool. The next thing will be the other girl upset that she is being left out and her mum will contact the school about it. I am a teacher and I can't tell you how much of this I see and hear about. No one thinks their child is the issue ever. In this situation I would encourage your dd to play with everyone and have a wide circle of friends. I would also work on her being more assertive with the other girl. Teach her some friendly but assertive phrases. E.g. I like playing and talking with everyone as well as you.

@cansu I can totally see that happening.
I have been telling DD to play with whoever she wants to, and if this girl gets bossy etc say “I don’t like the way you’re talking to me. It isn’t kind” and walk away/play with someone else. As well as “I can talk to whoever I want, you aren’t in charge of me”.

The next thing will be the other girl upset that she is being left out and her mum will contact the school about it

I think this is true

I would be careful which phrases you teach her. If she says anything that can be construed as 'unkind', you will have the other mum saying she is being mean or leaving her child out. Try also to remember that these kids are all learning how to get along and believe me this takes years! The possessive behaviour is also often linked to insecurity. I have had this numerous times in my classes and it can become very difficult if both parents stick to a fixed position that the other child is the one in the wrong. Keeping it in perspective and encouraging including everyone if they want to join in is the way to go. I would be encouraging your dd to speak to all her classmates and to ask others to join in including the other little girl. This is especially important in a small class where there isn't a huge number of playmates. I would be low key in my reaction. If you give this too much air time, you may make this situation more difficult to happen. Kids are also very fickle. In a few weeks, the other girl your dd now likes could decide she is the more 'bossy' girl's best friend etc etc

Yes hopefully it is a phase but……she’s always been pretty bossy/ enjoys letting DD know her reading isn’t as hugely advanced as hers 🙄and the way her mum doesn’t pull her up on it doesn’t fill me with confidence

I would call out the other girls behaviour when you see it.

The phrase I always used to get out of a playdate my dc didn't want was "It doesn't seem like the girls are getting on very well at the moment". Not too confrontational, but let's the other parent know they aren't fast friends.

As far as possible, I'd carry on with other playdates and ignore whether the other dc was watching you get in your car. She's only a little kid, and understandable still learning to manage her feelings, but I don't think you have to pander to her.

I sometimes avoid confrontation so feel free to ignore this 😂

I would pick very structured play dates with this girl. It’s a small school so I think this might feel less stressful. You can also monitor how she behaves and help your child deal with it.
So meet in a pub for tea, with colouring books and no play park.
Go swimming together so there’s a limit to how much they can interact.

Then I’d arrange lots of more interactive play dates with nicer kids.

The other option is to have her at yours without her parent. And remind the collective ‘girls’ how to behave.

I tell DD all the time how she doesn’t have to follow girl 1’s rules, and she knows this and says all the time how unfair it is - yet won’t speak up at school.

Why are you expecting a level of assertiveness of a six year old that you’re reluctant to demonstrate yourself? Next time the mum tries to plan a play date tell her no thanks. Explain your DD understandably has difficulty with her DD’s possessiveness and you support her in her decision to focus on other friendships at this time. She will either be mortified or feign surprise, either way, not your problem. Don’t forget to update her teacher. Walk the assertiveness walk.