Mum driving me mad

[Flipflop23]

My mum and dad are in their 60s .
my mum and dad have been married 45 years, I think they love each other but don’t really like each other. My dad goes in moods with my mum and my mom constantly Moans about him…to me….this is where the problem comes in.
im her sounding board, she has no real friends but she talks to lots of people everyday ( she still works)
a few years ago I told her it made me awkward when she moans to me about my dad and she did stop for a while but still made the odd comment and apologies but the last year it’s been really bad.
my dad is really awkward to live with, hence I moved out at quite young.
she says I’m the only person she can talk.
she calls me everyday which is another problem if she can’t get hold of me I get a text saying “hoo hoo”
im a sham so she knows generally I’m always about, it’s that bad I’ve thought about faking a job.
if I go out on a weekend I text her that I won’t be about or she will just keep trying to call.
I’ve suggested counselling, groups to make friends but she says no it all of them.
I’ve also noticed if I go on holiday even for just a weekend she’s a lot worse when I come back I will phone her when I come back and she first asked how the holiday was then “ I’m so glad your back your dads been driving me mad”
she’s delicate and I really don’t want to hurt her I know I will if I say anything but she really brings me down.
she’s a lovely person but her reliance on me is unhealthy….I think!
any suggestions?

'Mum I'm not happy with you complaining about dad to me, please stop it'
She carries on

'Mum I said to find someone else to complain to, I'm not your therapist and he's my dad'

'Mum if you've nothing else to tell me I'm going to go now' and hang up

Keep warning them follow through

I know it from both sides. My mum didn’t have any friends (she wasn’t very likeable) and would ring me up to moan about the world in general, anyone she came in contact with and most of all my siblings (my dad wasn’t around).

She did the same to me saying ‘you’re the only one who I can talk to’. I used to call her once a week, and she would moan for at least two hours at a time. So at least I didn’t have it daily like you do.

I am now doing it (sometimes) to my poor DD. I’m going through a divorce and after having therapy I am now reanalysing many things in my marriage. She would be my favourite person to talk to because there are certain things only she would understand. But I do know I shouldn’t do it.

Shehas told me bluntly she finds it hard, and I mostly respect that. I have badly let myself and her down on some occasions when I was really low. I take pride when we meet or talk on the phone and I manage not to say anything. It is hard because my sense of injustice against him is large and something I’m still processing.

Having therapy sessions does help. You say you have suggested counselling but she refuses. Perhaps you need to find a therapist for yourself to help you find ways to say no.

Would she even come to joint therapy with you? Perhaps she would then see the value and benefit of doing it alone.

If this isn’t feasible, I would suggest developing a long term strategy for reducing the number of phone calls and stopping the moaning about your dad. Maybe baby steps.

I tried competitive moaning, ie I started being very negative about everything hoping my mother would find me too boring and negative to want to talk to for long.

Perhaps every time she moans about your dad, you say you think they should divorce and immediately offer to look for a solicitor for her, look on right move etc. or do the opposite and start crying, please don’t get divorced, sob, sob.

At the end of the day you will have to be relentless and repetitive, saying the same phrase over and over again. Choose a phrase and keep on using it. @forrestgreen has some good suggestions.

You cant live your own life when she insists on sharing hers so much.
Can you say to her ‘mum you’re making me set myself on fire to keep you warm’

'she’s a lovely person but her reliance on me is unhealthy….I think!'

Certainly sounds like it. My mother used to be the same. Very unhappy marriage to my dad, endless complaining to me and my sister about it, but not actually doing anything to address the situation. In my case it started before we were teenagers which was even more inappropriate

You don't have to put up with this OP. It's downright unfair for your mum to keep dumping on you like this. She won't take the risk of speaking to anyone else or to a professional so keeps using you because you're 'safe' and she thinks you will just keep absorbing her troubles without challenging her to take any action or take any responsibility. She's not considering the impact of any of this on you, only thinking of herself

I really do second the suggestion upthread of seeing a therapist - NOT with her, but by yourself. It sounds like your issues with her are bigger than just this one situation. You sound very enmeshed with her, and like you feel responsible for her to an extent. None of that is healthy. It's not a criticism, I had a similar situation with my own mother, and therapy was hugely helpful for me.

My mother was just like that! Even when I was a young child, all that stuff a kid should not know even down to affairs she was having. She’s been dead almost three years now and though it was of course a shock (only 62, just up and died) I still feel such an odd relief to be shot of that constant stream of misery.
I fully agree with following through with the ‘if you don’t stop about dad, I will hang up’. It’s not easy but you are not meant to be a parental Wailing Wall, you deserve to have some peace.

Even if she’s not moaning about my dad the need for her to speak to me everyday is draining, she then texts me at least 2/3 times a day.
id but my phone on silent but have 2 kids who live miles away who are in the armed forces so I never know when I’m going to hear from them.
therapy maybe a good idea @Lottapianos

I think you need to back away a bit. It's not right that she wants constant contact - she is the parent and it isn't your job to be her support human! Not when it's about your dad. Obviously different if she was ill or something.

I think you have to withdraw a bit. Tell her to not talk about your dad or you will end the conversation - remind her that she is being unfair, that he's your dad, you love him even though you know he's difficult and you don't want to hear it. If she was my mum, I'd be blunt and tell her to either get a divorce or shut up - she's in a position of her own choosing and only she can change the outcome.
The constant badgering when you want to go away or do your own thing would also drive me nuts but if you shut down her favourite topic she might be less inclined to want constant conversation.
It's hard having to say this to your own mum, but you are entitled to have boundaries.

"she’s delicate and I really don’t want to hurt her"
"she says I’m the only person she can talk"
She's manipulating you. She has you feeling guilty so that she can continue using you as an unpaid counsellor. It's not your fault she has "nobody else to talk to" (she means that nobody else would put up with her endless complaining). Please put a stop to this or she'll get worse and worse and it will never stop.
I went through exactly this with my mother, though I never would have allowed daily phone calls. She'd spend an hour on the phone moaning in a monologue about my dad and her general dissatisfaction with life. Even after she finally divorced him! It really dragged me down.
I suggested many times that she should get counselling and she scoffed.
If I ever attempted to talk about something she'd turn the subject back to herself within a minute.
I ended up having to go LC and at times NC. It was a relief.
If your mother won't end her marriage or get counselling, she's chosen to be stuck with her life, but she has no right to impose it on you. Ask her not to spend your calls complaining. Change the subject if she starts up. Warn her that you'll end the call if she continues. If she does continue, hang up.
If none of it works, save your sanity by reducing contact gradually. If necessary go LC. I promise your life will be so much better without this.
If anyone comes along feeling sorry for her and saying you should be nice, they have no idea how it feels. Having endless whinging directed at you for years by someone who resists every suggestion of help, says you're selfish if you want to cut down the calls, never listens to you and says the same things over and over again drains the life out of you.

Can you mute her so you don't see her chats. Or turn notifications off except for your children? Somehow you need to break her habit of using you to meet her own needs. Maybe even say to her (if you can) that her calling and texting several times a day is a bit much when you have your own things going on and she needs to talk to her friends or get a therapist

@Flipflop23 if you have an iPhone (and probably whichever phone tbh) you can have do not disturb on with exceptions. I have mine programmed from 11pm to 7am every day but I have my two DS, parents and PIL that it would still notify me. You could set yours like this maybe every other day or something?

Just a thought, but seeing that you obviously, secretly, agree with her about your dad, why not tackle your dad and say to him that he needs to pay attention to his wife and suggest they work on their marriage.
He's the elephant in the room, your silence is kind of allowing that and you left home you said to get away from him. You probably feel that you can't say that to him but a lot of women put up with moody, difficult men for generational reasons so maybe have a bit of compassion for your mother?
Why not email, message, whatever, both of them and tell them they seem pretty unhappy and you refuse to be their counsellor?

@notsosoftanymore we have both tried, nothing changes.
his response is always the same…. if you don’t like it you know what you can do.
i would 100% say he’s emotionally stunted.

@seratoninmoonbeams fab I will definitely look into that x

I agree with taking an honest approach. She's got into a bad habit and it gets worse with age. I'd also invent a hobby like meditation/yoga/Tai chi that can't be interrupted. You listening isn't helping her, keep reminding yourself of that.

Following with interest as mine does too.

It doesn't sound like you like her very much I think that's really sad, she's got nobody and sounds incredibly lonely. Why not encourage her to do things that could lead to her meeting new people? Or have one long, in depth chat with her about it and even mention leaving if she's that unhappy.
But don't whinge about her and slag her off on the internet, that's not kind at all and is much worse than her moaning to you about your Dad

@notsosoftanymore we have both tried, nothing changes.
his response is always the same…. if you don’t like it you know what you can do.
i would 100% say he’s emotionally stunted.

What a b'stard of a father. He needs a wake up call, his behaviour is indefensible. I'd be tempted to up the heat on him. So many women suffer from such men, they are the ones who should be suffering, tell your mother to start setting boundaries and paying him back. Ideally she should absent herself, at least stop servicing him in any way, I hope she's got her own room. You could try telling her GP she's suffering emotional (and other?) abuse. I can't believe your situation....

Schooltripdrama I agree, I'd want to get hold of this. OPs mother is being abused and it needs outing.

This poor woman is being emotionally abused and pp's are calling her 'manipulative' for reaching out to her daughter for help! My god.

Great minds

'But don't whinge about her and slag her off on the internet, that's not kind at all and is much worse than her moaning to you about your Dad'

Life is a lot more complicated than just doing what's 'kind'. I don't blame OP in the slightest for needing to blow off steam and ask for advice on an anonymous forum

Firstly I love my mum and dad equally.
my dad has been the same since she met him in fact she says he has mellowed with age.
I see it as my dad is who he is and my mum is who she is, she has chosen to stay, I have offered her every help under the sun, she is equally as stubborn as she won’t do anything that would help.
its almost like my dad has not changed but over the last 10 years she’s has and is not happy but no matter what solution I come up with it doesn’t suit.
@SchoolTripDrama at no point have I slagged her off, I’ve explained the situation and asked if people have suggestions who have maybe dealt with a similar situation.

Can you mute her if you can't put your phone on silent?

I very much understand this. Pre covid I was expected to call her on my 40 min drive to and from work. Then when covid hit, at first I was calling her as I worked and listening for hours (a conversation with her is one where you can walk away from the phone and add the odd hmmm) then just when I walked the dog.

I now call her only on the days I'm in office on the way back and one dog walk. This only happened because I simply wasn't available but it's taken over 2 years.

Mute her, get back to her at longer intervals, tell her you have plans every so often (regardless of whether you do) to force the release slowly so she doesn't realise and TELL HER that it's affecting you and keep telling her when needed.

I assume if being with your dad is so difficult you've suggested she leave him? What does she say to that?

When you have been married so long ,and lost your independence,and you don’t have your own money ,and tried so hard keeping the family together over the years .it’s not that easy to suddenly up and leave.
as a 18 year old I was able to up and leave and make a new life for myself,at 50 ,I’ve not a fraction of the confidence I had at 18.
at 50 I feel invisible,and like there’s no place in the world for me .
id like to leave too
i could imagine my daughter writing this ,and if she had ,I’d say I’m sorry ,I didn’t know you felt like that ,and I won’t do it again.
but honestly,it’s so hard to leave when your confidence is rock bottom,you have no money and will be going up against a difficult man ,at a difficult time in your life ..
im sure op ,your mum does not mean to upset you x

'When you have been married so long ,and lost your independence,and you don’t have your own money ,and tried so hard keeping the family together over the years .it’s not that easy to suddenly up and leave.'

That absolutely makes sense, and it's very sad. It's really not as simple as 'oh I'm unhappy, I'm leaving'. Everything you've described, plus the utter exhaustion of living in such an unhappy situation for so long, takes its toll.

That said, the offloading is having an impact on OP which her mother can't / won't acknowledge, and it's really not fair on her