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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum driving me mad

34 replies

Flipflop23 · 11/04/2023 10:35

My mum and dad are in their 60s .
my mum and dad have been married 45 years, I think they love each other but don’t really like each other. My dad goes in moods with my mum and my mom constantly Moans about him…to me….this is where the problem comes in.
im her sounding board, she has no real friends but she talks to lots of people everyday ( she still works)
a few years ago I told her it made me awkward when she moans to me about my dad and she did stop for a while but still made the odd comment and apologies but the last year it’s been really bad.
my dad is really awkward to live with, hence I moved out at quite young.
she says I’m the only person she can talk.
she calls me everyday which is another problem if she can’t get hold of me I get a text saying “hoo hoo”
im a sham so she knows generally I’m always about, it’s that bad I’ve thought about faking a job.
if I go out on a weekend I text her that I won’t be about or she will just keep trying to call.
I’ve suggested counselling, groups to make friends but she says no it all of them.
I’ve also noticed if I go on holiday even for just a weekend she’s a lot worse when I come back I will phone her when I come back and she first asked how the holiday was then “ I’m so glad your back your dads been driving me mad”
she’s delicate and I really don’t want to hurt her I know I will if I say anything but she really brings me down.
she’s a lovely person but her reliance on me is unhealthy….I think!
any suggestions?

OP posts:
Flipflop23 · 11/04/2023 12:40

@Summerpetal im so sorry to hear your difficult situation. My mum says she doesn’t want to leave my dad that she loves him.
my mum could financially support herself so it’s not the money.
I know that if I tell her how she makes me feel she will be upset and I don’t want to upset her but it’s bringing me to my knees with how much she needs me.
I hope things get better for you. Xxx

OP posts:
notsosoftanymore · 11/04/2023 13:20

Life is a lot more complicated than just doing what's 'kind'. I don't blame OP in the slightest for needing to blow off steam and ask for advice on an anonymous forum

Hmm yes well, perhaps the OP could encourage her mother to join MN or GN and blow off steam that way, great idea.
I think the lack of female solidarity here is interesting. It is a MAN who is the problem here. He is the root of the mother's distress. What is it they say? It takes 7 attempts before an abused woman will leave her husband? Yep not easy especially when you are in your 60s but, no let's say the man is as he always has been and the woman has just become an old nag?

Given that mothers have usually spent years listening to the whingeing of their daughters, how about a little pay back? I still think the answer is message both parents and say I cannot sort your marriage out, both of you are to blame for an unhappy situation, please sort it out and don't expect me to listen to either of you.

And OP, if you are protecting your father, which you appear to be, then I think you should take a good hard look at your stance.

Summerpetal · 11/04/2023 13:24

I would want to know if I was upsetting my children in any way
id want them to find the words to tell me

I just wanted to say ,Thankyou for writing this thread ,because you have made me more aware of how I am with my children.
I will totally make a massive effort to not bring my problems to my daughters door again..it only recently started ,she reached 25 and started noticing I wasn’t happy ..and asking questions..but I should of spoke to a friend instead
good luck op .

Flipflop23 · 11/04/2023 13:28

@notsosoftanymore if you read I have offered all those things. So your comments are not really worth anything. I’d make sure I’d read the comments before making comments like yours.

OP posts:
notsosoftanymore · 11/04/2023 14:08

OP your mother is in a state because of abuse from your father. On any other thread he would be identified as using silence and stonewalling to coercively control the situation to his own satisfaction.
It's basic feminist perception and it is a situation recognisable from advice about abuse. Your mother sounds like she doesn't have many resources, she needs help and BOTH of them need to recognise it.

notsosoftanymore · 11/04/2023 14:10

Flipflop I'm interested in you avoiding your father. One day you will recognise that.

Flipflop23 · 11/04/2023 14:17

@notsosoftanymore im not avoiding him in the slightest, he does not do wrong by my mother in any other way that he is not an emotional support. He works hard, he takes her out, he’s nice to her, he looked after her when she was poorly, he does house work in no way is he abusive he just doesn’t do emotional stuff. He has never done emotional stuff, it makes him difficult to live with if your upset but that’s about it.
she in financially independent she has me who is there everyday, she goes out on work socials.
i think she is pushing 70 and is not liking her life and leaning on me….my dad drives her crazy over the smallest things eg..tv to loud, eats to loud, uses the wrong towel so to say my dad is an abuser is quite hurtful. I have been in an abusive relationship and I can assure you this is not one.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 11/04/2023 14:23

Your Mum sounds like she's just got into the habit of moaning.

Rosula · 11/04/2023 14:40

Tell her that you've offered every solution you can think of and she doesn't want to go for any of them, so there is no point discussing it further. If she insists on carrying on, tell her you'll have to cut off the call and do so.

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