To want to say goodbye to FIL

[supersop60]

FIL died a couple of months ago after a few years in a care home. I'll try to give the back story to explain my AIBU.
He had a severe stroke followed by vascular dementia, and sadly, the worst aspects of his personality came to the fore. He tried living at home and drove MIL mad with his constant demands. She got injured (dog tripped her up) and couldn't/ wouldn't look after him any more. Both of them in their 80s.
When he went into the home ( having been refused by 3 before because if his behaviour) MIL basically checked out. She would visit him grudgingly once a week, and wouldn't take his calls. DP and his Dsis took a lot of the calls (demanding to go home, everyone plotting against him etc) and visited whenever possible - both living 5 hours away.
MIL decided not to have a funeral and go for direct cremation. Ok, people do that, but usually at the request of the deceased person, I've always thought. The family decided they'd have a small ceremony to scatter his ashes over the lake he created, possibly at Easter. That didn't happen. DP is visiting tomorrow, and thinks that his mum won't want to have any kind of fuss, no family, no friends, just scatter the ashes and be done.
AIBU to think that this is disrespectful, and that family, including GC, niece and family, and neighbours, might want an opportunity to say goodbye?

There's a lot of complicated feelings here for everyone.

MIL isn't being disrespectful at all, she's doing what she needs to do to get her through this time.

Ultimately you can arrange some sort of memorial, if that's what your dh wants, and say your goodbyes that way.

People handle death in different ways. My dad died recently and he had dementia too. In many ways we "lost" him a couple of years ago when the dementia took hold and by the end he wasn't recognising anyone and bore no resemblance to the person who we knew before.

Your MIL has been through hell with this, especially when your DH and sibling are not local to provide support. No criticism - we are some distance from my mum too. It's just the way it is.

When you lose someone who has been so ill with dementia, there is a huge mix of emotions including relief that it's over and you no longer have to deal with it all. So I understand why your MIL wants to move on.

Nothing stopping your DH and you planting a tree, or having some sort of other family event which is personal to you to remember his dad. But respect your MIL's wishes not to participate or organise a funeral.

Im a bit shocked at you saying it is disrespectful.

In the circles of grief, your MILs relationship with your FIL is the closest and therefore IMO she gets to decide how to deal with it.

There is no reason why you couldn't have a quiet ceremony for your immediate family. - light a candle or say a few words etc but you do not get to take over from your MiL because you think it should be done a certain way.

Planting a tree is a good idea. He was very into conservation (hence the lake).
He was very difficult and cantankerous towards the end, and yes, it was horrible for MIL. She and SIL were burning all his papers in the garden 2 days after he died. Moving on very quickly.
You're right - he was her husband. I guess she can do whatever is right for her.

It's a disgrace that we expect very elderly women to still be carers. She probably came to terms with losing her husband when he developed the dementia and they could no longer live together. When you age you will look back on your attitude with shame. How the hell do you expect someone in their 80's to just take this in her stride? Your DH should scatter the ashes in the way the deceased wife wants to. Everyone else is then free to do whatever they want to remember him. Why would your DH want to upset his Mother, who is in her 80's?

This is not about you! If you wish to say goodbye, then you are free to organise your own private ceremony with your immediate family.

@jotunn absolutely no intention whatsoever of taking over. Just an opinion.

Direct cremation and not having a funeral service I could accept, but I would want some event to remember someone who had died, even if a while later. Say on what would have been on their next birthday.

Please stop trying to paint her as some heartless person.

She lived a hell that you only visited from time to time.

You have zero right to judge her at all.

Also no mention of her taking this in her stride. Who said anything about DP upsetting his mother?
This is me expressing an opinion on here rather that upsetting my DP with the same conversation.

I would quietly plant a tree as said above and not get invoked whatsoever. You are an inlaw (I accept I am in dh family and don’t get overly involved)

she is obviously in a lot of pain and has a lot of anger &resentment. She’s elderly herself

Please stop judging your MIL for how she handled her husbands' death.

Dementia is a cruel, cruel condition and the person she married was sadly long gone by the time FIL actually passed away.

If they are/we're in their eighties I presume they've been together a long time if they have grown up children - if so, her entire life has vanished before her eyes and with her grown up children living away, she had to shoulder most of it alone.

If you want to do something to remember your FIL then there's nothing stopping you from doing something alone but please don't drag her into anything. Let her grieve how she feels is best.

Well you are wrong

You can hold whatever opinion you have, but ultimately it’s her decision on how she wants to do things.

Dementia is a horrible disease, and I’m sure she just wants to draw a line under this and try to move forward. I’m sure she felt she’d lost him long before he actually died.

Do something yourself, for your family to remember him by, if you feel inclined, but I do think it’s important to respect her wishes in this case.

It sounds like her children should have stepped up and suggested carers or a care home when she was struggling. I couldn’t imagine dealing with the care needs of some with dementia 24/7, 365 days a year by myself m, never mind as an older person and knowing all the time that things are only going to get worse.

When I had to talk to my dad about what would happen when my mum (who had dementia) died, he was very clear that he really didn't want there being a big funeral with people who hadn't been there for mum during dementia making a fuss. And I agreed with him. In the end, COVID meant they both had direct cremations and then their ashes scattered together with just 4 of us going somewhere mum and dad liked. I'm not sure if their siblings/ friends/ neighbours thought/think that we should have done more, but I couldn't care less

@Marchforward they did. He spent a year in hospital and then a nursing home , then at home with carers coming in twice a day, respite care in homes that refused to have him back, then finally 3 years in a care home, which took ages to find.
I think that any love was killed off during this time and I don't blame MIL for wanting to move on in any way.
DP will never know my thoughts on this and I'll go along with whatever the family want to do.

It's a bit much to say that love was "killed off".

Your MIL has been through a nightmare few years with her husband. Dementia takes the person away from you completely, it's like being bereaved twice. She probably loved him very much but was unable to reconcile the person she loved with the person in the care home.

I wasn't judging you at the start but I am very much judging you for that comment. You have no idea what your MIL has been through and no idea what it's like losing a very close relative to dementia. You have no right to start demanding now that there's a big funeral hoo-hah to satisfy YOUR need for what you think is the done thing. It is not about you.

We have been in an almost identical situation with FIL except that FIL had been 'caring' for MIL who was bedridden and had suffered with bi-polar all her life and was also showing signs of dementia. FIL had sadly become quite cruel and neglectful towards MIL and although we lived 60 miles away we would go each week to help with cleaning, washing and shopping etc but it was an incredibly difficult situation.

When FIL had a fit it resulted in him going into end stage dementia and he and MIL had to go into separate homes. When FIL died a few months later MIL refused to even go to his funeral. We, as a family, planted an oak tree quite close to his home in a place he would have loved, and scattered his ashes under it. It is somewhere where family can go and still feel connected to him.

That's a fair point. In our case, there were several people there during the whole illness, who might want to say goodbye, but as a pp said - we can all do it in our own way. And we shall.
We already have two beautiful Silver Birch trees that FIL grew from cuttings. He's right there in the garden and I'm going to try to change my thinking on this.

I'm so sorry, but it's not up to you

Again - not demanding anything.

The language you've used and rather than understanding why someone very elderly couldn't cope with the visiting/phonecalls, you've used it to paint her in a bad light, is what's disrespectful. I'm sure that your opinion comes through. Things happen to our coping abilities and our brains as we age, we don't just get older. No-one should be doing anything except rallying round her, certainly not judging her.

This comes under the heading of none of your business.

And - my mother died with Alzheimers, so don't assume.