To want to say goodbye to FIL

[supersop60]

FIL died a couple of months ago after a few years in a care home. I'll try to give the back story to explain my AIBU.
He had a severe stroke followed by vascular dementia, and sadly, the worst aspects of his personality came to the fore. He tried living at home and drove MIL mad with his constant demands. She got injured (dog tripped her up) and couldn't/ wouldn't look after him any more. Both of them in their 80s.
When he went into the home ( having been refused by 3 before because if his behaviour) MIL basically checked out. She would visit him grudgingly once a week, and wouldn't take his calls. DP and his Dsis took a lot of the calls (demanding to go home, everyone plotting against him etc) and visited whenever possible - both living 5 hours away.
MIL decided not to have a funeral and go for direct cremation. Ok, people do that, but usually at the request of the deceased person, I've always thought. The family decided they'd have a small ceremony to scatter his ashes over the lake he created, possibly at Easter. That didn't happen. DP is visiting tomorrow, and thinks that his mum won't want to have any kind of fuss, no family, no friends, just scatter the ashes and be done.
AIBU to think that this is disrespectful, and that family, including GC, niece and family, and neighbours, might want an opportunity to say goodbye?

Apologies, I also meant to add that we as a family understood the feelings that MIL had towards FIL and did not question her not wanting to go to the funeral or having an interest in the tree etc. These situations are always so complex so best to do something which you feel is appropriate for yourselves which doesn't involve your MIL.

We lost my Dad to dementia during the pandemic. My DM did kind of check out towards the end. She’s never been one to emote and she more or less closed down. Even now she rarely talks about him or their lives together.

I think she did her grieving over a long period of time, including of course when she cared for him at home. It does sadden me but there are other people who do still want to talk about him and visit his grave.

Say goodbye in whatever way works for you, I’m sure MIL is doing the same.

Grief is a complicated process.

Yes, I think that is the way forward.

It's not about you.

Some of the decisions I made when my DH died are not ones that I'd make if I had that time again, but could think straight. Your MIL is making the decisions that are right for her at this point.

You're clearly judging your MIL for trivial things like burning papers two days later.
I did stuff like that. In those very early days I went into practical mode. It was my way of managing my emotions. Clearing the decks of practical stuff, being busy.

Seriously, I think you're the one being disrespectful. This is about your MIL

She and SIL were burning all his papers in the garden 2 days after he died. Moving on very quickly.

I get you are grieving too but do not compare it to your MIL being widowed. The statement above is disgraceful talk.

Some people feel the need to be doing practical things after a very close bereavement - sometimes they regret it after. You need to keep your beak out and if you really feel you want to do something personally do it discretely and privately and do not overstep.

you are asking for what you need. You might find she thinks he would not want fuss. Your needs are important though so find a way to process your loss on your terms

People with dementia can be very difficult to deal with, especially if you're at home with them. I live 6 hours away from my parents. My dm was diagnosed with vascular dementia and my df looked after her. He hid her symptoms well and it wasn't until he had to go into hospital that we realised just how bad she was. I'm not sure how he coped for so long.

I'm sure your mil is grieving, but there can also be a lot of resentment involved too. People deal with grief in different ways, and you are also grieving, but with respect, this isn't about you, it's about your MIL and her wishes should be respected.

Sorry, OP - whatever your personal feelings on this (and death/funerals in general) it's up to the n.o.k to deal with in the way they want.
Your FIL may well have expressed his wishes about disposal/funeral etc but didn't share with anyone else in family. Or maybe your MILdid her grieving when she started to lose the man she loved and married and understood that the person who died was no longer her 'husband' - and I am not being mean saying that, many people cope with a loved ones dementia by compartmentalising and removing themselves from the previous emotions they had for the person with dementia.
I hope that you find the comfort you need - the trees will be a lovely reminder

It's not great to judge how some else shows their grief. Just focus on what you want to do.

Going against the grain here. I agree he should have some sort of ceremony to honour him as a person and allow others to say goodbye.

This isn't just about your MiL. His dementia was only a few years of his life for her to be going through "hell" they were clearly married for years only right something is in place for everything he done.

@Custardslices So if your parent/family member/OH expressed a wish for the disposal of their remains, you would go against them if you didn't agree?
That is, if you felt your wishes superceeded those of your loved one
If you wanted to be that arrogant

I hope you MIL has some good years ahead of her and I admire her decisionto distancing herself from her situation. She will have been on the receiving end of horrible, horrible abuse.
You do what feels right for you.

My mum had a stroke last year and has vascular dementia
She is absolutely vile and any love I had for her has gone.
It has changed her so much and she now has no filters or kindness left in her . She has taken me and my sister to hell and back

I imagine your poor mil has ptsd from it all . I know I have !!

There was just immediate family at my dads pre-cremation and it was lovely to not have to deal with anyone else on such a hard day, think more people are opting for this.

I imagine MIL did her grieving while he was alive. The man he was at the end was not her husband, wasn't the man she loved, she lost him a while ago.

They’re not your ashes.

Absolutely this.

My 89 year old Dad died on Dec 21st, having got progressively more and more 'not my Dad at all' because of dementia over the last 5 years. In his last 2 years, he didn't recognise me and I found this unbearably difficult to deal with.

My feelings when he passed away - and in the past nearly 4 months - have been extremely hard for me to deal with.

Nobody should ever criticise anyone who has lost someone very close for their reactions and actions following the death. It's far too complex.

I think you probably don’t understand the likely impact of a long period of caring on your MIL. It was her shouldering the responsibility with her children far away. Her current feelings might well be clouded by that and she’s not ready to celebrate his life yet. it Really should be at her pace. Possibly you could offer to arrange a small memorial so that she doesn’t have that additional stress?

I can't imagine how continuously stressful and exhausting it must have been for your mil, when your fil was receiving his care at home. Especially with how his illness effected his behaviour.
With carers coming in twice a day, her home most likely became a mini nursing home. From seeing this happen with relatives, some much younger that your mil, they often end up seeing their husband / wife as being a burden with no end in sight. Their own physical and mental health was effected.
It is very different for the younger adult children who have their own house to go back to after they helped out whether daily or a few hours a week.

My mother claimed to adore my father. He certainly adored her, she ruled the roost and got her own way on everything. He was a good provider and had made very generous provision for her so she would want for nothing after his death.

She refused to go and see him more than once when he went into the local hospital to die ( having refused to have him at home, although we had a very supportive GP practice). He had tried to donate his body to avoid having a funeral, when that fell down in ruins , she didn’t want to go to the direct funeral I arranged .

I was quite upset by all this, but my priest said to me that The Bible says ‘let the dead bury their dead’ ; our responsibility now is to the living. The best way you can honour the dead is by supporting his family in the next few weeks.

I still honour my father after twenty years. That’s the best ceremony.

YABU. This is your MIL’s call.

Very wrong of you to judge your MIL's relationship to FIL on the basis of her behaviour in the last couple of year's of FIL's life when (presumably) the relationship was decades long. It must have been incredibly hard for her to lose your FIL in the way she did. Perhaps she wants to grieve him privately, in her own mind, rather than publicly; maybe in her mind he was long gone by the time he died, gone by the time he went into the care home. All that is her right as his widow.

Nothing stopping you from organising something yourself to remember your FIL. Are you really sure this is what DP wants though?

Also - be kind to your MIL. It sounds like she's had a hard time and may well still be struggling. Try to reframe it as how you can help, not how you can judge her.