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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is completely f**k up

29 replies

Sunshine186 · 11/04/2023 00:44

I've just ended my relationship with a man who doesn't like my kids and is emotionally unavailable. A man that claims to love and care for me. While we were having the discussion he said ' what if I said I just wanted you, nothing to do with your kids or your family'.He heard my reaction and he genuinely didn't think this was unreasonable. He said loads of people do that. Wtf!!! Surely this is not reasonable?

OP posts:
YouTarzan · 11/04/2023 00:46

More detail needed.

If you are living with him, then, of course it matters what he thinks of your children.

However, if you are just dating, there is no need really for him to give a toss about them.

StepAwayFromTheBiscuitJar · 11/04/2023 00:47

Well, it sounds like the truth for better or worse.

I think it takes longer to really develop affection for a partner's children. And on regards to family, many on here never come to like their in laws.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 11/04/2023 00:51

I don't really know what you mean about it being totally fucked up. It just sounds like you're in different places life wise.

Long term, a life where he has nothing to do with your DC or family isn't feasible. Well it wouldn't be for me anyway.
He is NBU to not want to be involved in your family life.

YANBU to decide that doesn't work for you and end it. I'd do the same.

ReadersD1gest · 11/04/2023 01:00

Are your kids young children, or adults? It depends whether you're planning on combining households, obviously.

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 11/04/2023 01:04

We live together and he has always been involved with my family. His son sends half his time with us . We've been together 4 years. My family are so good to us, help us out a lot, have given us money for our garden, my dad helps with DIY jobs etc. We have split up today. There are many reasons for this, one is he doesn't speak to my children and insults them in fornt of me. He realises my family and friends see what he is like . He suggested being with me but not seeing my kids or my family.

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ReadersD1gest · 11/04/2023 01:06

Sunshine186 · 11/04/2023 01:04

We live together and he has always been involved with my family. His son sends half his time with us . We've been together 4 years. My family are so good to us, help us out a lot, have given us money for our garden, my dad helps with DIY jobs etc. We have split up today. There are many reasons for this, one is he doesn't speak to my children and insults them in fornt of me. He realises my family and friends see what he is like . He suggested being with me but not seeing my kids or my family.

Oh, well that's a bit if a drip feed. How old are your children and do they live at home?

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 11/04/2023 01:09

Block block block block block. And NEVER unblock OP!

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 11/04/2023 01:09

My kids are young and so is his son. Prior to us moving in we spent lots of time together and used to stay over at each others houses with the kids. He hates us all living together and I've been miserable with the way he has been behaving. He was fine initially but has gotten worse the last few months. I would have never moved in with him otherwise.

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 11/04/2023 01:10

Then let him go...

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 11/04/2023 01:11

I have ended it and we are moving out until the house sells. I'm going to live with my parents until I can buy my own house. It's just that he said it and then said he wasn't being unreasonable. It's really annoyed me.

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Original poster
Sunshine186 · 11/04/2023 01:13

Mine are 5 and 9, his is 7. Mine live with me and his son lives with us half the time.

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DarkDarkNight · 11/04/2023 01:29

That is bizarre. You live together and own a house together and it never came up during the process of moving in that he didn’t want anything to do with your children and family. That’s very weird. If he wanted a relationship like that he’s gone the wrong way about it. Surely he should have said it from the off that he just wanted to see you when you were child-free, no strings attached.

You are better off without him, your children definitely are. This sounds like an awful situation for them to have an adult living in their one where they should feel safe and loved who doesn’t speak to them or want anything to do with them.

DarkDarkNight · 11/04/2023 01:31

In their home that should say, not in their one.

ReadersD1gest · 11/04/2023 01:32

When did you buy the house together, op?

TomatoSandwiches · 11/04/2023 01:40

He would be gone the first time he insulted my children, when did that start?!

THisbackwithavengeance · 11/04/2023 03:03

How horrible for your DCs to have had to live with someone who hates them.

I hope you stay rid of this man, OP.

And no, I would never be with someone who made it obvious they didn't like my family or my DCs regardless of whether we lived together or just dating.

JudgeRudy · 11/04/2023 03:23

If he asked you to dump your kids to be with him I would end things
If you relationship is in crisis and he was saying "I love you. If it was just me and you I'd marry you tomorrow, but we keep arguing about the kids and its not what I want" then I don't see that as being 'wrong'.
I wouldn't expect him to have the same feelings for your kids as you do.
If the majority of your disagreements are about ghe children, I'd challenge that and say they're most likely about a difference in parenting styles and you ultimately saying 'they're my kids and what I say goes'.
Without observing you both it's impossible to say who is right or wrong but it's not sustainable.
I'm guessing you don't want him as a boyfriend so I'd say that's the end of the line.

WandaWonder · 11/04/2023 03:26

So this is a surprise to you???

Thepossibility · 11/04/2023 04:05

If one of your children is 5 and he's known them for 4 years and he still doesn't give a shit about them I would run and never look back.
That is ice cold.
He obviously doesn't want to give up his regular shag, he just doesn't want all the hard bits that comes with being in a relationship with a mother.

SchoolTripDrama · 11/04/2023 04:46

He didn't speak to your children and you moved in with him?!?!?!?!?!?!? WTAF

MaireadMcSweeney · 11/04/2023 05:12

TomatoSandwiches · 11/04/2023 01:40

He would be gone the first time he insulted my children, when did that start?!

It's a bit harder to do this when you own a house together...as to the wisdom of buying a house with a partner instead of renting first to see how it goes...that's another issue!

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 11/04/2023 08:57

He wasn't like this before we moved in as it isn't something I would have done at all. He made effort with the kids, he would spend time at my house, we would all go our together etc

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MeinKraft · 11/04/2023 08:59

Thepossibility · 11/04/2023 04:05

If one of your children is 5 and he's known them for 4 years and he still doesn't give a shit about them I would run and never look back.
That is ice cold.
He obviously doesn't want to give up his regular shag, he just doesn't want all the hard bits that comes with being in a relationship with a mother.

Yeah this. He wants to continue shagging you OP without doing any of the work of being in a relationship. He sounds like an evil fucker tbh.

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 11/04/2023 09:07

It's mainly been the last few weeks. Before that
It was stuff like he talks too much, his games don't make sense etc. Then it changed to he acts like a baby , he is always with you, he's a pain in the arse. If he has been grumpy etc he will say I front of him that he is always like that, he doesn't like this/that, he is badly behaved. He has told me my son as extreme behavioural problems but this isn't true. He is a typical 5 year old, a bit boisterous but nothing more. He is adores by everyone and is intelligent/flying in school.

My parents son is quiet, always compliant, watches TV most the time and he calls him golden, tells him he is the best boy in the house in front of my son and even if he is mean/doesn't share he can do no wrong. I like him but my partner usually goes in his room with him and we don't see much of him.

My partner is avoidant so when I've tried to talk to him/resolve anything he shuts down. That's another issue!

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Original poster
Sunshine186 · 11/04/2023 09:19

He's been getting nothing recently as I can't stand to go near him.

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