How much should a parent go out on their own?

[wouldthatbeworse]

Parent A sees friends every couple of weeks and maybe for a full day at the weekend 3/4 times a year
Parent B sees friends/has work events 1 or 2 times a week and goes out for half day at the weekend 1/2 a month. They also go away for weekends twice a year.

Parent A thinks it’s unfair parent B goes out more. They don’t necessarily want to go out more themselves but they think things should be more equal.

Parents share 2 kids, 6&4. Both work full time with parent B in the office most days and parent A mostly wfh. Chores and childcare evenly split.

How much time do the children see parent B?

Neither is right or wrong if it works for you as a couple

if it doesn’t communicate

I’m your scenario I’d be partner a and my partner b and we’re both happy
I don’t like going out much but my dh does, we are different so our social time is split differently but we get equal down time he just choses to spend a lot of his with friends, I have a few hobbies and go swimming

They should do whatever they are happy with. I’m out probably 3-4 nights a week. Maybe a full weekend day once a month.
DH can go out as much as he wants though he is out less than me.
Chores are split evenly so it’s not like one person is left picking up after the other.
If person A isn’t happy maybe they should go out more. They shouldn’t try and stop person B from having a life outside the marriage and kids

parent B is home for bath/bed all the evenings they’re not out. And are present the rest of the weekend. They’re very active with the kids.
parents also go out together around once a month

If the work events are necessary as part of the role I’d take those out of this ‘fairness’ equation

So Parent B has to stay home to make it 'fair'? That seems a bit shit. I have a nearly 4 year old and it's no stress if my DH is out of an evening during the week and vice versa.

Whatever you're happy with. I worked away a lot so was happy to be at home with the children when I could be. DH was happy staying in with me and the children when I was there and when I was working he didn't get the choice he had to be dad.

Obviously one of you isn't happy with the current situation, time for a discussion.

If both parents are pulling their weight and having equal leisure time then its fair. If one parent doesn't want to use their leisure time that is their choice.

I think it seems a bit controlling of parent A to say they don't want to have more time away but they want parent B to have less - seems like it's not really tonnes of time away. Parent A doesn't seem to spend much time away from home, I don't think it's right they want parent B to match their very limited friends schedule.

From the update it doesn't sound like parent B is shirking their duties!

Parent A seems controlling, in our home I’m parent A as I don’t go out as much, me forcing my husband to stay in, is no different to him locking me out the house a few times a week to force me to go out.

There's no "should" amount. What it should be is balanced and equal and not so often that there's no family time.

I go out more than DH (I go out once a week on average, he goes out maybe once every 3 weeks and I go away with friends for a weekend twice a year on average and he almost never does). We have primary school age DC.

We both still pull our weight, I just have a more active social life than him. He never complains and doesn’t hold a grudge. He certainly wouldn’t ask me to go out less purely on a ‘tit for tat’ basis.

Work events are work. So parent A is being unreasonable to count those as parent B socialising. But mostly this just sounds exhaustingly tit for tat. I couldn’t imagine tallying it up like this. So long as you get equal opportunity to go out then it’s fair. Fairness doesn’t mean that, for example, parent B can never go on a friends weekend away because parent A’s group only do day trips.

Why should the social partner have to reduce time with friends if contribution to family care is equitable?

I am the social partner in my realtionship I have several different group of friends that I enjoy catching up with. My partner has slightly less and they tend to have meet ups less often but for longer periods. Surely a couple work out sufficient time for family, couple time and then divide the balance?

I suppose the question is, what do they agree between them is the right amount of (in no particular order):

• family time
• couple time
• solo time (whether that be in or out)

If they can agree that, then it’s up to each of them what they do with that solo time. That would be a more constructive way for Person A to approach this.

Parent A is unreasonable, they could go out more if they wanted, but it’s not reasonable to try and reduce how much parent b does out. They are different people with different social needs and there is nothing wrong with that.

What's with the "parent A" / "parent B" bollocks. Just say who your are in this. Seems pretty clear you are A, but then this could be a reverse.

I assumed they were parent B!

If it's.not negatively affecting family life I don't think parent A should begrudge parent B from going out, just because parent A wants to go out less than them.

I go to the gym three times a week because I choose to. My partner chooses not to, but never says I should go less just because he doesn't go...

If parent B would be completely fine with parent A going out more, then parent A seems unreasonable on the face of it... Even if they don't like going out out, they could choose to use more 'alone time' such as blocking off an evening to go to the gym or for a coffee or just taking a long bath etc.

However, there could be more nuance e.g. if there's some particular reason why A thinks B is either not pulling their weight at the right time (bedtime presumably) or is missing out on something. So you said that childcare is split evenly, but if e.g. B does all the mornings and A does all the bedtimes, technically it's an even split but realistically it isn't. B might be opting out of the hard bit or, conversely, missing out on quality time with the kids at that time. It depends on the kids! If that's the case, maybe B could amend and only go out after the kids are in bed etc.

This really pleads the case against 'hereto-normative' relationships and families. Looking back and looking forward, I can see why not choosing to have DC is a responsible decision.

Exclude work events for parent B, those are not part of their leisure/ social time.
It’s too much for parent A to decide they don’t want to go out more and tries to stop parent B.
There’s likely not much difference if you exclude the work events

Interesting responses. Thank you.I’m parent B.

Parent A isn’t controlling but they feel they’re having to do more childcare because parent B is more social. Perhaps childcare isn’t as evenly split as I initially suggested. But parent A gets equal leisure time (at least) as they work fewer hours and do not commute.

parents A’s friends are less available. They would like to go out more but have not tried to make more local friends/pursue hobbies. That said if both parents went out as much as me/parent B that would block family time.

Just to add I love spending time with DC. All DH and I ever do in the evenings is work (just me) then watch Netflix and scroll on our phones. I can’t do that 7 nights a week

If both parents are happy then who cares what ‘should’ happen. I would take work events out this weird equation. I go out a lot more than DH because I want to, and he is happier staying at home.