How much should a parent go out on their own?

[wouldthatbeworse]

Parent A sees friends every couple of weeks and maybe for a full day at the weekend 3/4 times a year
Parent B sees friends/has work events 1 or 2 times a week and goes out for half day at the weekend 1/2 a month. They also go away for weekends twice a year.

Parent A thinks it’s unfair parent B goes out more. They don’t necessarily want to go out more themselves but they think things should be more equal.

Parents share 2 kids, 6&4. Both work full time with parent B in the office most days and parent A mostly wfh. Chores and childcare evenly split.

Equal and fair are not the same thing...I am the parent B here. I actually do more of the hands on parenting but also have more social time. DH's primary hobby is work and he's an introvert too. I would be okay with "can you make sure you're home on day X as I have plans" but I think I'd resent "please be home not because I have plans but just because I think you go out too much."

If parent B truly is pulling their weight I think parent A is being (a bit) unreasonable.

What’s all this Parent A & Parent B nonsense? You mean your husband (or the father of your kids) goes out more than you and you are jealous / resent him for it and you are looking for validation??

I must admit I also get a bit distracted by the Parent A/B thing. I can't see what it adds here - it just feels harder to navigate what is actually being said when I'm tired.

Other way round if you read her posts

Sounds OK overall, although 2 times a week sounds on the alot side for parent B, but if it's a work thing then surely it's necessary?

Parent A should just go out more if they want to and make Parent B look after the kids. I think it's important that parents still socialise and do other things personally

Are they picking up more household jobs/mental load?

Who sees that the kids need news clothes and buys them? who books dentist appointments? who plans and organises parties? Practice times tables/prep for SATS?

Parent B (me) carries almost the entire mental load. I can delegate to parent A and over years he has managed to take on repeat tasks like on line food shop, meal planning which are not insignificant. Parent A cannot cope with one off tasks like organising birthday parties and makes an epic drama of organising a plumber that I’ve provided the number for.

Someone up thread did rightly point out that we should just communicate more. So I asked DH whether it bothered him that I go out more (it clearly does but we are both passive aggressive and bad at saying how we really feel). He said it was fine but he would prefer me to go out on my wfh days so he doesn’t have to do pick up dinner then bedtime.

This.

All my DH's friends live locally whereas all my 'old' friends live far away so he does more shorter regular nights out whereas I do fewer but for whole days- it wouldn't work otherwise logistically.

Parent A: 26 nights, 4 days
Parent B: 80 nights, 20 half days, 4 days

That's a rough estimate.

I'm def the one who's out more. 2 weekends a year with friends, 3 or 4 weekends with voluntary work, more likely to go to the cinema of an evening or see friends. He sees friends one or two weekends a year, pub maybe one night a month, the odd concert.

But we've different people, with different needs so I don't think it HAS to be equal, but there has to be opportunity for it to be so.

That sounds fair, are you happy with that?

There's another thread like this at the moment. Parent B is not being excessive. Parent A needs to stop being controlling.

I don’t quite understand, you are asking about people going out on their own. Then you talk about seeing friends.

They are two different things. Which do you mean?

There is no set time for either. I go out on my own every day.

Just read the updates. Why do so many people have a problem with looking after their own children?

Going out in their own… to see friends, as I’m not going out with their DH as a couple… that doesn’t suggest they are staying out alone.