Feeling like I want to avoid my best friend

[SunshineAndStorms]

I feel horrible saying this but I'm struggling with how smoothly everything in life is going for my friend. It's not because I want her to experience bad things and not have good things, it just constantly brings it home to me how tough I'm finding my life.

My friend has just had her first child in her late 30s. She conceived super quick, had the easiest pregnancy ever, birth was fine and baby is great. Her partner is absolutely lovely. Incredibly attentive and would do anything for her. I've never heard my friend say a negative thing about him. They have lots of family nearby who help out. Both have lots of friends and are very social. My friend did have some anxiety in the past but since meeting her partner and being pregnant, she's so calm and relaxed. She seems so strong as a woman to me.

My friend and her partner love a social media post. Lots of couple selfies and now couple/baby photos. It's not just the image they present, there live are seemingly effortless. Admittedly it's very early days with their newborn but they look so presentable and everything in their lives is so well organised.

I've got two young children. I have some health problems. My mental health problems are chronic and I'm constantly getting one form of treatment or another. I have adhd too. I had two traumatic and difficult pregnancies and births that were life changing in that I felt damaged physically and mentally by them. My dh and I love each other very much but our relationship can be very up and down and we're constantly working through different stresses. Our families are small and some aren't that local. One of our children has special needs. Our lives are busy and chaotic. We've both given up on our appearance, unless it's fir work. It's just all uphill.

I sometimes feel like a shadow of my former self. Our lives have been especially difficult since having our eldest 4 years ago. Maybe my friend is riding on the crest of a wave and I know everyone has ups and downs. I just feel like her ease into motherhood and her life in general is too much for me as it makes me feel so bad for struggling. I do feel awful for feeling this way. I don't want to lose her as a friend. I guess I need to just keep working on improving my mental health and suck it up.

Just read that back and I sound so jealous. It isn't coming from a bad place towards my friend. I know that it's me feeling low.

Have you looked in to medication for yourself OP? (Sorry if you're already on those) have you looked in to getting counselling?

Not to the same degree as you but I've been in your position & when it happens I know it's because I'm not happy with my life, but you seem to understand this about yourself also.

Also despite how well you know your friend, you are not there with her 24/7. They may have a great relationship, they also may not. I have a friend who admits she doesn't trust her DP but on social media you would never have a clue, constant lovey dovey posts between them, makes me realise how full of bollocks social media is, we only get the highlight reel, rarely the shit part of anyone's lives.

For what it worth my baby is 4 & spent the first 2.5 weeks of life in ICU with a brain injury. I know how it feels to be jealous of everyone else's seemingly smooth experiences. Look in to counselling if you haven't already, & good luck.

I get it OP, and you'll get comments that will say comparison is the theif of joy - but sometimes it's ok to feel how you do.

My best friend is lucky. Everything always works out for her, she's truly never experienced any sort of hardship, has an amazing supportive family, and doesn't really know what a hard life is. It doesn't mean I'm jealous of her, but at times I've wondered why I've had to experience all the shit in my life, whilst other people (not just her), seem to navigate through life with far less challenges and with relative ease.

Not that I want her to experience it, I really don't, just some people have it all and it's ok to want that.

Some wise woman once said to me “the grass is greener on the other side, because just under the surface is a whole heap of shit!”

I think that is exactly how life seems to work. No one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors! No one has a perfect like, no matter what it looks like from a distance!!

What you're feeling is perfectly natural - you'd have to be a bloody saint not to feel even just a little pang of envy!

Of course it sounds like a real cliché to say comparison is the thief of joy, but it really can be. She may have problems that you don't know about, she may be envious of some aspects of your life.

I'm assuming you're fairly young? I have an old uni friend who I felt a bit like this about. Effortless life, or so it seemed. But actually, over the course of many years nothing is perfect. She's had some troubles as have I (and have just been diagnosed with ADHD myself in my late 50s which has put a whole new perspective on my life and my self perceived failures!) I've also had chronic mental health problems, and have gone through phases of feeling as if life is just too hard and unfair.

With two very young children life can be difficult, even without your health problems. You sound like you are doing ok despite this. Maybe have a word with your GP to see if you are accessing medication/counselling that may help?
And take social media with a huge pinch of salt!

It’s ok if you want to avoid her a bit if her seemingly amazing life is making you feel like shit, however no one is perfect. Most people posting these perfect social media are doing so because of the exact opposite!! You aren’t with her 24/7, you don’t how she feels all the time or that her life is always easy! Work on yourself and your life and you’ll find it easier not to see everyone else as perfect and better than you.
I doubt my friends know I am on antidepressants, that I took time off work because I developed a tic due to anxiety, that I’ve had suicidal thoughts before, that I hated early motherhood… because on the outside I look happy, my husband is amazing and my son is perfect! You only see a snippet of people’s lives!

Don’t feel awful for being jealous. It’s natural enough, we all feel jealous sometimes. It might help to mute your friend or spend less time on socials for a while.

As you already seem to be aware your difficult feelings are not about your friend. But about the fact that you are struggling day to day and don’t have much help. If you have a 4 yr old and a younger child you are still very much in the thick of it. It’s likely things will get easier for you and as the kids get older it’s likely you will feel more on top of things. You would probably benefit a lot from more time to yourself and more time with your dp but that’s very difficult to get right now.

In the meantime try not to make a scapegoat of your friend. If you need to distance yourself from her for a bit the timing may well be good as she will be totally pre-occupied for the time being.

I have a friend v similar. She makes me feel like shit, and she is genuinely the loveliest person and I’m so happy for her but I’m not. I feel like an awful person, I would never say anything IRL but I definitely do feel a bit distant and I feel she does too now!

Echoing others but it’s true - you aren’t there with her every minute of the day, there’s no way of knowing if the image she presents is always a true picture. Of course some pregnancies and babies are easier than others but a newborn is never a completely easy ride - I’m sure she has had meltdowns at 4am like so many of us!

Im not suggesting she’s having a terrible time - but nobody has a perfect life, especially when you’re dealing with a dramatic life change. Even the happiest people in the world have their wobbles. We all do, it’s part of being human.

I hear you OP. With me it's my DSis. High-earning DH and all the holidays, houses and lifestyle options that come with it, no troubles conceiving 3 beautiful DC, no health problems, freedom to experiment with hobbies and be a SAHM by choice and return to work retraining at her own choosing after 18 yrs, etc. We're pretty close but there are times I need to quietly retreat. It's usually when I'm having a tough time with the inverse of one of the list above (infertility, DC with challenges, long term health problems, being the breadwinner, unable to accept expensive invitations etc), and the contrast is just too stark.

The answer is always to deal with the thing in your own life that's causing unhappiness as PP have said, but often that's very hard to do!

This is why I absolutely hate social media. and the old cliche of comparison is the thief of joy is true. People post only the best moments of there lives many photos staged and took ages to take. but we look and compare with our own lives and do feel like shit. I have learnt to avoid social media myself as it was affecting my mental health and making me feel like shit. A friend of mine would post amazing pics of her constant days out and holidays with her kids. Her kids were fantastic posers always happy and laughing with big beaming smiles. whereas my dc hate their pics being taken and would always look miserable and we couldn't afford as many days out and holidays as them. it really made me feel like shit.
Feel much better since coming off SM. I actually wish SM didn't exist for this very reason. I'm sure our parents generation were much happier and content with their lives in the days before SM.

A friend of mine wisely said to me, after I said that I was envious of her recent weekend away (she’d posted lots of lovely photos) that of course she only posts the good stuff, it doesn’t mean that her life is really that perfect. Why would she post about feeling crap or her teenagers having hissy fits? 🤣

I’ve always remembered that-many people only post their best moments on SM, it doesn’t mean that their lives are really so amazing. Even if they are, all the rest of us can do is work on our own lives.

Don’t compare yourself to her, OP, enjoy your life instead. 💐

Unfollow on sm.

Well for some reason PP are suggesting her life isn't that great in order to make you feel better. The truth is some people do luck out. I have a friend in her late 40s and so far in life, the worst thing she's ever experienced is her dog dying of old age four years ago. She openly says how lucky she is and there is no closed doors dead grass etc.

You need to focus on yourself and accept it's ok to feel as you do. It's not you want her life to be crap, it's that it reflects clearly the struggles you have back at you.

I genuinely want to thank everyone for taking the time to comment on this. I've been feeling totally crap all day and these comments have really helped to give me a bit more perspective and normalise it.

@Isthisexpected, We’re just saying that no one’s life is the perfection that SM can portray, she’s not posting photos of herself at 3 a.m. with a bawling baby, but of course it happens-as will the odd disagreement with her DH.

From the outside, the OP’s life sounds pretty good as well, tbh.

@partybum I'm on Sertraline and I'm getting therapy on the nhs at present. I had perinatal mental health support too for both of my children.

@Fannyinfinefettle yes, I'm on medication and getting therapy. I can relate to what you've said and I've also just been diagnosed with adhd. I'm 36.

My friend only ever posts ‘amazing’ family posts. They gush about how wonderful her children are and how amazing she friends are but the reality is she complains about how awful they all are when she meets up with me, she admits there are some friends she isn’t honest with so I’m the one she chooses to complain to about them all. No one ever really knows what’s going on behind closed doors. There are plenty of people who on the surface of it appear happy but who are struggling through some dark places and choose not to confide in a soul. I think you need some support OP, it’s totally understandable to feel the way that you do, but perhaps you need some help x

I do worry that this could happen with my friend and I don't want it to. I just think she's going to be a much more functional, outgoing and positive mum to her child than I am to mine. I just wonder if this could make the gap widen between is if I let it.

I have thought about this but I'm worried she would notice as I always like her posts and she likes mine (if I very rarely post something). I know that sounds silly as it's only social media but would she notice?

Do it either unfollow or come off SM completely. any true friend won't mind that you are no longer liking her every post. just tell her your taking a break from SM as you feel it's taking up too much of your time.
you will find you are much happier without it.

Could you mute her on social media for 30 days? If she mentions you not liking her posts, just say you're trying to stop using it as much. In fact, it's probably a good idea to reduce the amount of time you spend on there.

I experience something similar and yes, it does affect the friendship a bit. My friend goes on holidays or weekends away every month whilst I struggle to afford one day out a year. I find it difficult, as much as I'm happy she enjoys herself.

I have adhd too and I also have the comparison of the thief of joy thing. In fact I'm envious of you having children. Ir hasn't worked out for me yet. I've been years trying.

What I'm trying to point out is we all have something someone wants.

My advice to you is come off Facebook. I cannot tell you how much better I feel in life without page after page of edited bullshit to look perfect. I realised when I was a teen we never had any of this, it only started in my 20s. And now I'm in my 30s I don't need another stick to beat myself with. I feel so much happier. We don't need to know everyone's edited day inside and out. She isn't going to post the baby crying or her covered in sick after just getting changed is she?

Mental health is awful when you're feeling down and on top of that, the rejection sensitive dysphoria that comes with adhd and the emotional dysregulation, it is an absolute kicker.

I also stopped watching the news and I only view it once or twice a week now as I couldn't shut off my sorrow with the bombardment of bad news.

I don't think humans are made to be bombarded 24/7 with anxious inducing stuff. I feel much more control of my own emotions now I've removed some of the triggers. Give it a try. You can then bw there more for your friend when you have a little social media distance too so win win.
Good luck to you.

Sorry @theblackradiator I didn't see your post