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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to my sister?

51 replies

Emmaheather · 10/04/2023 16:46

My mum and I have a weekend together most years, either walking or a city break (which also usually involves quite a lot of walking). We started doing this (at my suggestion) after I had children so we could have some quality time together when I didn't have to think about child care. My sister has recently asked to join us. AIBU to not want her to come?

She has a health condition which affects her mobility (walking for more than 30 minutes would be difficult) and she also needs easy access to a loo as she needs to go often/urgently. This obviously majorly impacts on what we can do. In addition, I really enjoy my time alone with my mum. We are very close and have a relaxed/enjoyable time together. My sister is often quite stressed and can also be quite prickly (e.g. gets frustrated if I offer help or ask what adjustments are needed, but also gets frustrated if the situation is unmanageable for her) so I find it hard to relax or know what to do.

For background, my parents joined a holiday with my family (DH, DS1 and DS2) a few years ago. My sister asked to join but I said no because it felt too much to ask of my DH. Also (although I didn't say this) she'd had a major falling out with my dad a few months before and I couldn't face this happening again on my holiday. She was very upset and hurt by me saying she couldn't join us - she felt I had treated her very badly and had said no because of her health condition, which she felt was unacceptable. She had a go at me on several occasions over the next few years about it. It would have been difficult to juggle everyone's needs and my whole time would have been spent thinking about everyone else - I'd have come home drained! My parents never asked to come on holiday with me again after the stress it caused which I feel very sad about.

Is it ok to say no to the recent request or AIBU and should I give up my time individual time with my mum? If I say no, what reasons is it acceptable to give? Is it my responsibility to some up with a different suggestion of something to do?

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 10/04/2023 16:49

No, it's not your responsibility. It's your mum's to sort out them doing something together, if anything.

DSiL went to Australia with FiL and DH didn't invite himself.

HappinessDragon · 10/04/2023 16:50

Just say no. You don’t have to give a reason other than this is time you enjoy spending with your mum only. Let ds know that if she wants to plan something for the three of you on a different date, you’ll certainly consider it but the time you currently spend with your mum is time you value and you’re happy with the arrangement as it stands.

YellowGreenBlue · 10/04/2023 16:51

This is a really tricky one. You don't have to let her come, but I can see why she feels sad and left out. It's not her fault that she has a health condition. Could you alternate - one break with just your mum, followed by one with your mum and sister, maybe to a spa or something more accessible for her?

boobybum · 10/04/2023 16:53

Can you just tell her that you want to spend some one to one time with your mother having an active holiday but if your sister has any suggestions for a separate break for the three of you then you’ll consider it?

thegrain · 10/04/2023 16:55

Don't make her health condition an inconvenience for you. That's a shit thing to do. Just say no and she's welcome to invite you to something she wants to do.

parietal · 10/04/2023 16:57

I agree that you need to alternate activities with / without sister or find other activities you can do with her.

So maybe make time for your mum on some weekends and time for your sister on other weekends.

Sorryyoufeelthatway · 10/04/2023 16:57

suggest she does her own trip with your
mum. This is about the TWO of you.

Mischance · 10/04/2023 16:57

It is tricky, but I see where you are coming from. Could you arrange a day out with your sister some other time that does not involve so much walking? Would she find that acceptable?

Changingplace · 10/04/2023 16:57

Can’t you do something different with them both & still have your break with your mum as planned? Ask her if she’s got a suggestion for the type of thing she’d like to do?

AuntieMarys · 10/04/2023 16:59

Can your mum do a separate break with her?

agna8277 · 10/04/2023 17:00

Ask her to join for meals or coffee, then continue your activity with your mum only?

Inthebathagain · 10/04/2023 17:01

That's a tricky one.

"I have to be honest, I'm not sure you'll manage with all the walking we do when we're away. Why don't you arrange something different for the three of us to do together that will mean you enjoy the entire time? Really looking forward to what you're going to plan!"

2023issucky · 10/04/2023 17:06

Be honest, tell her you are worried she won't manage the walking you both do. Suggest she organised her own weekend with your mum. Or if you want to be nice you could organise something with the 3 of you.

Coyoacan · 10/04/2023 17:06

Why can't she suggest an activity for the three of you?

TheCentreSlide · 10/04/2023 17:09

Say no, but say let’s plan another get together which suits us all.

You don’t have to be at her beck and call.

Original poster
Emmaheather · 10/04/2023 17:15

thegrain · 10/04/2023 16:55

Don't make her health condition an inconvenience for you. That's a shit thing to do. Just say no and she's welcome to invite you to something she wants to do.

I don't really understand what you mean by me making her health condition an inconvenience for me. Would I be doing that by saying yes to her request? Does she have any responsibility to think about how her health needs would impact on things?

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 10/04/2023 17:20

Not unreasonable to say no this is our only time just us.

It must be hurtful to be left out of the holidays but she’s not helping herself by making it more difficult than it has to be with her attitude towards needing help.

blebbleb · 10/04/2023 17:22

I feel for her as she must feel sad at being left out but if the trips aren't suitable for her then that's a problem. Surely she can organise stuff with your mum herself?

Marypoppinsnsnortscoke · 10/04/2023 17:29

Yanbu

roarfeckingroarr · 10/04/2023 17:29

It's a walking holiday and she can't walk any distance. Of course YANBU.

Bayleaf25 · 10/04/2023 17:29

Can you potentially afford 2 trips? One with the 3 of you and one with your mum?

Feels sad for your DS to miss out completely but likewise you should also be able to do what you enjoy.

Schoolchoicesucks · 10/04/2023 17:33

thegrain · 10/04/2023 16:55

Don't make her health condition an inconvenience for you. That's a shit thing to do. Just say no and she's welcome to invite you to something she wants to do.

This. Telling her she can't come because of her health conditions would be shitty. Telling her that you value the one on one time with your mum, but suggesting an alternative that the 3 of you could do together, or that you are open to her suggestions of things to do together/ you and her together/ her and your mum together would be fine.

Andrea87 · 10/04/2023 17:40

Could you have another mini holiday / dinner / theatre visit with all 3 of you doing something special together? So it is a no for the walking holiday but you 3 are spending quality time together .

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 17:41

Emmaheather · 10/04/2023 16:46

My mum and I have a weekend together most years, either walking or a city break (which also usually involves quite a lot of walking). We started doing this (at my suggestion) after I had children so we could have some quality time together when I didn't have to think about child care. My sister has recently asked to join us. AIBU to not want her to come?

She has a health condition which affects her mobility (walking for more than 30 minutes would be difficult) and she also needs easy access to a loo as she needs to go often/urgently. This obviously majorly impacts on what we can do. In addition, I really enjoy my time alone with my mum. We are very close and have a relaxed/enjoyable time together. My sister is often quite stressed and can also be quite prickly (e.g. gets frustrated if I offer help or ask what adjustments are needed, but also gets frustrated if the situation is unmanageable for her) so I find it hard to relax or know what to do.

For background, my parents joined a holiday with my family (DH, DS1 and DS2) a few years ago. My sister asked to join but I said no because it felt too much to ask of my DH. Also (although I didn't say this) she'd had a major falling out with my dad a few months before and I couldn't face this happening again on my holiday. She was very upset and hurt by me saying she couldn't join us - she felt I had treated her very badly and had said no because of her health condition, which she felt was unacceptable. She had a go at me on several occasions over the next few years about it. It would have been difficult to juggle everyone's needs and my whole time would have been spent thinking about everyone else - I'd have come home drained! My parents never asked to come on holiday with me again after the stress it caused which I feel very sad about.

Is it ok to say no to the recent request or AIBU and should I give up my time individual time with my mum? If I say no, what reasons is it acceptable to give? Is it my responsibility to some up with a different suggestion of something to do?

I think it's quite acceptable to say no.You can chose to site either or both of your reasons.
You had specific activities in mind which your sister would not be able to participate in
You wanted some 1 on 1 time with your mum.

It might be hard for your sister to accept that but you can't always bend over to accommodate her.

BTW, why does your sister need to tag along with things you've organised. Suggest she stops being a passenger and organises something that she would like to do. She just has to let you know what, when and where, then you can get back to her if you're interested/free/can afford it...or maybe organise something directly with your mum herself.

hattie43 · 10/04/2023 17:42

Say no . It's your only quality time with your mum and your chosen itinerary won't be meeting her needs . If your mum wants time with your sister they can arrange something between them .

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