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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to my sister?

51 replies

Emmaheather · 10/04/2023 16:46

My mum and I have a weekend together most years, either walking or a city break (which also usually involves quite a lot of walking). We started doing this (at my suggestion) after I had children so we could have some quality time together when I didn't have to think about child care. My sister has recently asked to join us. AIBU to not want her to come?

She has a health condition which affects her mobility (walking for more than 30 minutes would be difficult) and she also needs easy access to a loo as she needs to go often/urgently. This obviously majorly impacts on what we can do. In addition, I really enjoy my time alone with my mum. We are very close and have a relaxed/enjoyable time together. My sister is often quite stressed and can also be quite prickly (e.g. gets frustrated if I offer help or ask what adjustments are needed, but also gets frustrated if the situation is unmanageable for her) so I find it hard to relax or know what to do.

For background, my parents joined a holiday with my family (DH, DS1 and DS2) a few years ago. My sister asked to join but I said no because it felt too much to ask of my DH. Also (although I didn't say this) she'd had a major falling out with my dad a few months before and I couldn't face this happening again on my holiday. She was very upset and hurt by me saying she couldn't join us - she felt I had treated her very badly and had said no because of her health condition, which she felt was unacceptable. She had a go at me on several occasions over the next few years about it. It would have been difficult to juggle everyone's needs and my whole time would have been spent thinking about everyone else - I'd have come home drained! My parents never asked to come on holiday with me again after the stress it caused which I feel very sad about.

Is it ok to say no to the recent request or AIBU and should I give up my time individual time with my mum? If I say no, what reasons is it acceptable to give? Is it my responsibility to some up with a different suggestion of something to do?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 10/04/2023 17:44

I'd say just to be reasonable that she can have this one on one time with the mothership and you'll arrange another day. Or arrange another time she can join in. She can't really kick off then.

It has to be frustrating being her though

Blinkingheckythump · 10/04/2023 17:45

Surely the simple answer here is you value the one on one time with your mum so no she can't join you, but organise another weekend for the three of you?

Tinkerbyebye · 10/04/2023 17:46

Give her the itinerary and ask how she will cope with it? She will be spending a lot of time on her own

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 17:48

Coyoacan · 10/04/2023 17:06

Why can't she suggest an activity for the three of you?

This - l find life 'passengers' really tedious. Every conversation starts with "Why wasnt l told..."

DanceMonster · 10/04/2023 17:48

Could you suggest another weekend with the three of you doing activities she can join in with?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2023 17:51

One weekend a year?

No, she is being unreasonable. Especially if it impacts what you and your Mum enjoy doing.

Ask her to suggest something she would like do (incorporating her health issues/limitations, which she will be more familiar with that you anyway). Be it with your Mum, or you three together.

PissTakeSubstitution · 10/04/2023 17:51

I would say no with a message like “I really value this time alone with Mum and I don’t want to add another person at this time. If you would like to do something in addition, let me know what you’re planning”.
And then decide closer to the time if you want to join.

Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick · 10/04/2023 17:52

Why can your mum not say no to her? If this were my DC, I'd be saying to DC2 "no, this is time that I'm spending just with DC1, but I'll do X just with you, and Y just with DC3, and Z with all of you together".

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2023 17:53

You're entitled to have one on one time with your mum. Just say no. Personally, I don't think it matters what you say to your sister, she's going to find fault and assign blame to anything.

UnderPressureLikeACustomerInALushStore · 10/04/2023 17:53

I really feel for your sister tbh.

Jagoda · 10/04/2023 17:58

Just explain it’s a walking holiday so not appropriate for sister.

Dashel · 10/04/2023 17:59

Why not plan a nice day out for the three of you, something that would designed with her in mind, like a trip to an art gallery or museum with afternoon tea booked so you can wander around slowly with lots of seats and toilets nearby? I wouldn’t tell her that is why you are doing that activity but find something else to do that would fit around her needs.

She can always have a weekend with your mum but I think it would be nice if the three of you did something together too.

LittleRedRoses · 10/04/2023 18:01

I lost my mum very suddenly a few years ago. I absolutely cherish the memories and the photographs I have of our days out and little breaks away that were just the two of us. YANBU why does your sister have to come along now? I agree with @Aquamarine1029 no matter what you do she’s going to blame anything and everything.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 10/04/2023 18:03

I can only hobble along now, although I used to love walking. DH was invited by our neighbours to accompany them on quite a special walk when they heard that he would be going on his own.

I was pleased, not cross because I couldn’t go - not because I am some sort of a saint, but because I understand that the world doesn’t revolve around my (minor) disability.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/04/2023 18:05

YANBU but I would try to think of an activity or weekend where you, mum and Sis can do something she can be included in and enjoy otherwise I think it can be a bit mean.

Original poster
Emmaheather · 10/04/2023 18:30

I feel for my sister too. I can see it's a total pain for her and she's very determined/independent. But I have tried to arrange things with the wider in the past but there are often hiccups as I'm not very good at working out what's possible. When I ask she says anything is fine, I try to make a guess/plan what I think might work and then she'll pull out last minute saying she knows/doesn't expect her needs to be thought about. I end up feeling guilty and upset. I've had a bit of a tough time myself and don't feel I can continue to be the one who makes all the effort.
Helpful to think about the idea of passengers.

OP posts:
LucifersLight · 10/04/2023 18:32

Tell her she’d need a walking chair as you’ll be walking 6 hours a day.

Hankunamatata · 10/04/2023 18:33

Say to her you would like to do this trip by yourself with mum but let's look at planning a trip later for the 3 of us.

whiteroseredrose · 10/04/2023 18:38

I'd say no, you enjoy one-to-one time with your mum. Your mum can organise a one-to-one trip with your sister separately.

twolilacs · 10/04/2023 18:39

Emmaheather · 10/04/2023 18:30

I feel for my sister too. I can see it's a total pain for her and she's very determined/independent. But I have tried to arrange things with the wider in the past but there are often hiccups as I'm not very good at working out what's possible. When I ask she says anything is fine, I try to make a guess/plan what I think might work and then she'll pull out last minute saying she knows/doesn't expect her needs to be thought about. I end up feeling guilty and upset. I've had a bit of a tough time myself and don't feel I can continue to be the one who makes all the effort.
Helpful to think about the idea of passengers.

If she has so much difficulty in accepting your plans, then she needs to be the one organising it then.

You and your mum can go and have your break doing what you both want to do, and your sister can either arrange to go away with your mum without you, or she can arrange something for all three of you to do.

Stressybetty · 10/04/2023 18:39

Why does she need to invite herself along to trips and things you've already arranged? Why can't she arrange her own outings with your mum herself just for the two of them? Maybe suggest to your mum that she asks DS to arrange something for the two of them.

JMSA · 10/04/2023 18:49

I think you're being really cold and inflexible.
I don't think you care about having a relationship with your sister.

Mouthfulofquiz · 10/04/2023 18:51

I think you should tell your sister that she can arrange something with her mum at any time - but this trip will involve a lot of walking and long days so may not be suitable. Don’t ruin your break.

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 10/04/2023 18:56

Tell her to organise something that she can do with you or with the 3 of you. Tell her this is a walking holiday so not suitable for her this time.

Put the ball in her court to organise.

Some people with long term health issues do become quite dependant mentally on those around them snd you need to stop enabling that behaviour. She needs to take charge snd organise another trip.

Roaminginthegloaming · 10/04/2023 19:14

I would tell your sister ‘no’ to your walking trip.

However you could suggest that she goes away with your mum for a trip to a spa (a day one or the kind where you can stay overnight eg. Ragley Hall in south Warwickshire or a more budget option eg. Hawkchurch Resort & Spa near Axminster, east Devon ). She can treat herself to a massage, a mani-pedicure or a facial and they can lounge around in the pool.

You might even want to join them!