to think most men wouldn't be THIS bad?

[umbeella]

I know lots of men abandon their children and I know the inequality around women caring for kids to the detriment of their careers. But I really am starting to feel my exDH is one on his own.

He has seen DD a handful of times since she was born. She’s now 3.5. He does pay maintenance but the minimum required by cms. He is a very high earner but refused to pay towards the nursery fees, arguing that maintenance should cover it. It does actually cover 50% of his share but leaves nothing left over for DD after this. He takes home around 6k a month and could definitely have paid an extra couple of hundred. He missed her first and third birthday. He takes on average 10 days to respond to a text about her or when he’s seeing her. He has quite literally never asked how she is, ever. She is due to start school in the next year and I feel so aggrieved that he has been so awful as to not even have her for a weekend. I have not had one break ever, since the day she was born. He’s still single, still smashing his career and building himself a nice life. He has plenty of time to help.

AIBU to think this is the extreme end of shit?

They're definitely a special breed and wear it like a badge of honour ime. My dad is one of them. I tried to build a relationship with him in my 20s but he doesn't give a fuck about anyone but himself.

Sadly, there are a lot of men who don't pay anything. It sounds like you split when pregnant, if he's only seen her a handful of times since birth.

I don't want to suggest that you should be grateful that he pays maintenance, and apparently at the level he should. But he's not the extreme end of shit as a father. My own ex-DH paid fuck all for his children and managed to get away with it.

He’s only paying because I applied to cms. Which I didn’t do until she was 1 because I was hoping he would just be decent.

The money is one thing but fucking hell… I can’t believe someone can be so cold?

We were together 7 years before DD, not one sign that he would be a shit parent.

No, the extreme end of shit would be the arse who threatened to kill me while I was pregnant with the child HE convinced me to keep, only to split up with me a few months into the pregnancy, to then completely ignore his child (now 16) without ever paying a penny, but whinging to everyone who will listen that I've taken them away from him.

My ex is worse sadly

Are these men people who don’t work? On drugs?

ex was nothing like that, hardworking, friendly, literally not one sign he would ever have done what he’s done the last four years.

Try not to think about all that to much because it will only make you miserable and affect him in the slightest.

Take pride in everything you are doing for child and enjoy her.

My ex put everyone and everything before our dd and now that is an adult and he is feeling sorry for himself, funnily enough she doesn't have a lot of sympathy

At least you get maintenance I’ve never got a penny so sadly there is definitely worse

@Coyoacan I want him to feel remorseful but I can’t imagine that happening. Maybe one day.

My dad had nothing to do with the daughter of his first marriage and made the argument in the divorce proceedings that because his first wife cause the marriage breakdown by having an affair that she should cover the full maintenance costs. He did have to pay the maintenance but never saw his daughter from the age of 6 months as far as I know.

Yeah, that wins.

Hope you and your child are doing well @Michiru

I want him to feel remorseful

Unfortunately, he obviously doesn't give a shit and you can't force that.

I would focus on your DD going forwards. Stop texting him. Stop expecting anything of him apart from CMS.

Let DD know that she is the most important person in your life, instead of confusing her with this bloke that pops in and out once in a while.

(My brother's Dad did the same 50 years ago; my Mum told him to piss off in the end as it was confusing my bro too much). She then went on to meet my Dad and had a much more stable family life.

No not extreme unfortunately. Sadly very common.

Extreme imo is where there has been physical abuse but again not uncommon.

There is far worse out there, none of us win this race to the bottom OP. Atleast youl have some money spare for her once she starts school. It’s crazy how some men can be so shit though, il never understand how my ex can stand to miss so much of our children growing up, he doesn’t deserve them, and they deserve far better than him.

Very common, but being a single parent I wouldn’t expect to get a break.

It’s not a race to be bottom. Yes, he is an absolute shit and you deserve better. There is not much you can do but ultimately he will have to live with himself for the rest of his life, and that might not bother him now but hopefully it will one day.

You are being unreasonable to want him to have regular contact with your child just so you can get a break. Why would you want someone like that near your child? If you want a break, find a reliable sitter, or find another single parent and trade free sitting time. e grateful he doesn't demand visitation just to hurt you and lower maintenance.

One who is worse was Prime Minister.

I would permit an employer who dismissed a man like that for it to be deemed fair dismissal.

What??

Did he ever want kids

Sorry he’s a knob op, but that is nowhere near the extreme end of shit. My nephews dad hasn’t paid a penny in child support since he was born. When the csa finally caught up with him he quit his job so he didn’t have to pay anything towards his son. He’s now a drug dealer doing bits of cash in hand work on building sites. My sister broke up with him when my nephew was a baby. She’d make the baby’s bottles and go out to work all day while he sat on his arse on his Xbox instead of looking after the baby. When my sister came home after an 8 hour shift she’d count the bottles and there would still be the same amount left, he’d ‘forget’ to feed the baby every day. When she kicked him out he broke in one night, tried to kidnap the baby when he was high on meth and fell down the stairs with him. He took her to court for contact and was awarded every other weekend. My nephew had asthma and was regularly hospitalised on contact weekends as his dad and mates smoked weed around him all day. My sister stopped contact when my nephew was 3 after he came home with 2 broken ribs, she didn’t know until she got him undressed for bedtime and saw the bruises. Her 3yo son told her daddy put me on the back of his motorbike and I fell off but he told me not to tell you. He took my sister back to court to reinstate contact, and was then awarded an extra night in the week on top of his weekends. I’d have left the country with the boy long ago if I were her. The systems fucked.

This. At least she gets to protect her child from this piece of shit

Sorry to hear this OP.
My ex has never seen his child (now 11), refused to engage with cms until they found him and made him pay maintenance. Has now fucked off abroad so he doesnt have to pay (little does he know). And no,its not just about the money, but it helped provide things for my child that i couldnt do on one wage. I dont know how people can be so cold. Ps - he also has a 21 year old that he is a wonderful father too. Bastard.

Did he even want this child? He sounds useless but sadly it’s rather on the mild end of the scale of useless piece of shit absent fathers. I’d not want him to be initiating weekend visits, for him to have met her only a handful of times in 3.5 years he’s a stranger to her and she’d surely be a bit worried at going to spend a night with him?
He pays maintenance which is a damn sight more than many shit dads do.
I’m not here to say you shouldn’t be frustrated with the situation nor that because he pays the minimum you should be pathetically grateful because others get nothing - your situation is yours and no one else’s. But the fact is he’s really not the extreme end of shit.