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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think most men wouldn't be THIS bad?

44 replies

umbeella · 10/04/2023 15:21

I know lots of men abandon their children and I know the inequality around women caring for kids to the detriment of their careers. But I really am starting to feel my exDH is one on his own.

He has seen DD a handful of times since she was born. She’s now 3.5. He does pay maintenance but the minimum required by cms. He is a very high earner but refused to pay towards the nursery fees, arguing that maintenance should cover it. It does actually cover 50% of his share but leaves nothing left over for DD after this. He takes home around 6k a month and could definitely have paid an extra couple of hundred. He missed her first and third birthday. He takes on average 10 days to respond to a text about her or when he’s seeing her. He has quite literally never asked how she is, ever. She is due to start school in the next year and I feel so aggrieved that he has been so awful as to not even have her for a weekend. I have not had one break ever, since the day she was born. He’s still single, still smashing his career and building himself a nice life. He has plenty of time to help.

AIBU to think this is the extreme end of shit?

OP posts:
howdoesatoastermaketoast · 10/04/2023 16:24

It is undoubtedly shit - you are perfectly reasonable to feel aggrieved.

The extreme end of shit...no - I only wish nothing was the worst thing fathers did

ToBeOrNotToBee · 10/04/2023 16:27

He clearly doesn't want to know his daughter or you.

Cut your losses. Take the money and move on.

Lolasgame · 10/04/2023 16:30

🤣

Meandfour · 10/04/2023 16:32

Aylestone · 10/04/2023 16:00

This. At least she gets to protect her child from this piece of shit

Show quote history

I also agree. You can book a babysitter if you want a break but why would you want your daughter around someone who has no interest in her?

He is far from the extreme end, sadly.

Meandfour · 10/04/2023 16:33

Lolasgame · 10/04/2023 16:30

🤣

That came at a bad time. Look at the post above 🙈

Daffodilwoman · 10/04/2023 16:36

Don’t waste your time with him op, he obviously doesn’t care about his child.
I think it’s fairly common.

Lolasgame · 10/04/2023 16:37

Meandfour · 10/04/2023 16:33

That came at a bad time. Look at the post above 🙈

Show quote history

Sorry I was laughing at the one babbling about the prime minister.

cadburyegg · 10/04/2023 16:39

That's crap OP I'm sorry.

I'm a single parent. Their dad isn't hugely interested but not as bad as your ex. I get the minimum CMS but it's less than £300 a month for 2 dc. There are lots of other single parents who have a much easier deal than I do, and some who have it much much worse. Best thing is not to compare. It'll eat you up inside.

Also don't chase him for contact. I was doing the same with my ex and I decided to stop bothering and try not to initiate things now. I massively reduced the amount of pics etc I share of the kids on our family WhatsApp chat too, because it was updating him on what they were doing without him having to make any effort.

Starseeking · 10/04/2023 16:57

There are a huge amount of men who do anything to avoid having to look after the DC they wanted, yet shouting about their EX taking the DC away from them.

To anyone else, my EXDP would say he sees his DC every other week (so 4 days out of every 30/31). The reality is that he regularly cancels his weekend so he can go abroad.

My EXDP would say he pays generous maintenance, yet I had to take him to CMS to pay the right amount for 2 DC, as he was only prepared to pay the same amount for his first only DC, to me for my two DC as my two live together "so it costs less".

My DC was at nursery when we split, with fees of £800 per month. I got him to agree to pay half the fees...then every month he would ring the CMS to advise he'd paid me extra, so they should reduce the schedule. My payments went from £610 to £325 in 3 months. Now DC has finished nursery, payments have gone back up to the right level.

This treatment from men is all about control and punishment, especially if the lady was the one who left the relationship and patriarchy, by the man abdicating all childcare responsibilities to the mother.

He's not going to stop being a selfish arse; if I were you I'd focus on your lovely DC, and building yourself a support network who may be able to help to give you an break here and there.

L3ThirtySeven · 10/04/2023 17:01

That’s objectively terrible for a man to do to his partner, and especially his own child. It could be worse, but then it always can and that doesn’t mean your situation is any less difficult or horrific.

Shade17 · 10/04/2023 17:31

At least he’s paying you about £1k per month. Obviously he’s a twat but it could be much worse!

OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 17:39

Getting that much a month would certainly make me feel a lot less bitter so it could definitely be worse!

MagpiePi · 10/04/2023 17:43

Did he want children?

If you continued with a pregnancy after he specifically said and you agreed that you didn't want children, and assuming he took his own contraceptive precautions, then I can understand his reluctance even if I don't agree with it. Maybe he thinks your daughter is better off without him rather than having forced contact with a parent that clearly doesn't want her.

At least he is paying maintenance.

MyStarBoy · 01/08/2023 21:50

He'll pay the piper in the end when he's a sad lonely old man and has no one.

JibbaJab · 01/08/2023 21:58

Yeah that's shitty, sorry OP. I don't understand how anyone could not be interested in their own child.

I have always been involved and raised mine since they were born but they're being withheld from me. I would give anything to see them right now.

rainbowlou · 01/08/2023 22:07

It’s shit, it really is.

My dd is now an adult and he has missed out on so much, I’m sure one day he will (if he hasn’t already) realise just what he has chosen to miss out on as she grew up and he will never walk her down the aisle or celebrate her successes at work, meet her children etc and I truly hope that the most cold hearted arsehole would feel some remorse for that.

She figured him out When she was about 8, she realised he would seek a relationship with her if he was single and drop her when he had a new girlfriend.

your child will always have you and it may seem like a long way off until she realises but one day she will and it’s his loss.

Flufferblub · 01/08/2023 22:40

My ex has never paid a penny. He hardly bothers with his dc. Just picks them up like toys every so often, then puts them back in a drawer when he's bored with them. I feel sad for my DC that that's their dad.

GalaApples · 02/08/2023 11:58

Sad to say OP, this man is never going to be any kind of father to your DC. Its hard, but just let the idea go that they will have a relationship. It will hurt your DD more to have an unstable loser for a dad that she sort of knows but who ignores her most of the time. So give up the idea of weekend contacts etc. especially as she is so young and it would be like leaving her with a complete stranger. Just fight for the money he owes and leave it at that, don't involve him further in her life, sending him texts and updates etc. If he wanted to know about her, he would be in touch with you.

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