To allow dd12 to decide on how she sees her dad

[Gogogo1]

Rather than forcing her in an arrangement she doesn’t like
is this unreasonable and leaving too much down to her?
currenr arrangement not working at all abs she’s always in tears about it I don’t know if it’s ok to just leave it to him and her to decide and step back?

Depends entirely on the context.

What exactly does she have issue with? Do you usually have an amicable co parent relationship or has it been difficult? How much flexibility is there on either side? Have there always been issues or is this a new thing? What is the current arrangement and why isn't it working? eg is it EOW and he doesn't let her go to parties/out with her friends on his weekends or is it that she goes for an overnight midweek and it clashes with a club but Ex is encouraging her to drop the club rather than rearrange his schedule to accommodate her on another night

If my DD had stopped wanting to see ExDH then I'd be wanting to find out why and advocating for her to come to a compromise. I wouldn't just let her stop seeing her dad unless there was a good reason (eg abuse or neglect) but equally you can't physically force them to go if they don't want to, so I'd be supporting DD by discussing the issues with her (and possibly with ExDH depending on the relationship) to come to something that suits everyone.

I am not talking about stopping altogether but letting her discuss with him and choose

background is that for as long as I can remember she has struggled going and cried each time expressing she doesn’t want to. I have consistently encouraged her to go. Dad loves her but is very different there with reports of being taken to pub for legnthy times, lots of activities are based around adults drinking alcohol (comes back with direct quotes about how both dad and his partner drink from early on with social events) iv had to address lots of this. It’s got to the point she doesn’t want to see him at all which I don’t believe it’s right so thinking that instead of enforcing the regularity which dad insistent on for the benefit of his younger child that I allow them to decide and focus on supporting my daughter to do so whether it’s irregular or just an afternoon here and there
just wanting to know others experiences fo this

What is pattern at the moment?

Is she expected to'watch ' her younger sibling when they are drinking? Is that why df is wanting her there?

I think the key thing is that the contact should be for the benefit of the child. What do you think will benefit her the most?

OP you already have a thread on this in Teenagers which has given you a lot of good advice, why repost to AIBU, especially with all of the relevant information omitted from the OP?

YANBU to support your DD but there's a massive difference between "She just doesn't want to go" and "There are issues when she's at her dad's that makes her not want to visit" and it's hard to advise without all of the context.

You need to discuss with her what she would like and then you discuss with her dad. Please make sure you take into account that it needs to be regular and that she will not understand about the consequences of damaging the relationship between them. I think it is still an adult conversation that needs to be had between her parents. I assume she is safe? You mention another child is this your child too?

1 day every weekend spends the night every other weekend. That’s cutback from overnight every weekend
coukd never do in the week as this doesn’t work for his family

I don’t think she does watch the younger one to be fair it’s not something she has ever raised although the younger sibling told me that she was crying as she wanted to come home the night before. My dd said that is a regular occurrence

It seems as though if they are not out partying until late like 11-12 at night then they are sent to bed early 8.30 ish on the night she spends there dd suspects they drink when she goes to bed. On the off occasion his partners out he will stay up and spend time with her. So I don’t believe it’s for her e benefit

she will often be told
to read at these events

i have raised this multiple times with them

Hi can’t see anything the rules about posting in 2 diff areas abs from that thread I have thought about whether that is a way it could work. Hence asking if it’s unreasonable

OP, you've already posted about this. The advice was very clear on the first thread. If you're looking for someone else, you won't find it on an anonymous forum on the Internet.

Is there a court order?

Is this thread also you?

Nobody says that there is a rule about multiple threads but why post one with all the details and another without?

The reason I checked was because I felt I had read this OP before and found your other thread, also made today, where you had clearly got some good responses so why post the same thing twice? Hoping for different answers?

And @itsthefinalcountdown1 has posted the link to the post I thought I had read before that is very similar, and the advice is exactly the same so again what do you want to get from reposting the same OP repeatedly? Different advice?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4778272-to-say-no-more

There's another as well. I hate to be that person that says "you've posted about this before" but 4 times about the same thing and already having the advice 3x over just says you don't actually want the advice.

We are being trolled then

I dont think it's trolling, I think it's someone who is just waiting for someone to give her the one answer she is looking for, whatever that is, ignoring every single other comment on multiple threads. It's just annoying now. I didn't have to search any of them out particularly hard, I actually remembered seeing them at the time and wondering why they were so similar!!