To not want mugs in the car

[Justacoupleofbiccies]

Wise mumsnetters please help me out with who is being unreasonable here and how to go about this situation!

After years of scrimping and making do with mismatched, chipped mugs, I recently bought 4 affordable but naice matching mugs. They have little blue wildflowers painted on them and are the right size for a nice big cuppa. I know it's only a little thing, but starting my day with a cup of tea from a pretty, non chipped mug brings me a little bit of joy and gets my day off to a good start. I explained my thinking to DH and we agreed they would not be used in the car and would be kept nice.

DH who says he has no mug preferences and also has several thermos mugs to use in the car, keeps taking the new mugs in the car and they end up discarded and rattling around in the foothold. Now I don't like this for several reasons- dregs of coffee spill, the mugs risk getting chipped, it's a hazard in a crash and it's generally untidy.

2 of 4 mugs now have cracked handles. DH insists this is not from them being in the car. I accept I have no proof it's from the car but think it is highly likely.

I haven't screamed/ranted or anything else extreme about this, but I did say ONCE just now to DH that however they got cracked I'm disappointed and I'd rather they just don't get used in the car.

DH's response feels to me rather callous, dismissive and patronising. Brittle laugh, eyeroll, sarcastic nodding, sighing and "OOOKK, yes dear". The whole vibe is as if I am a nag or being silly and unreasonable.

I feel silly to be so hurt and frustrated by this situation, I know there are bigger issues in the world and even within my own life, but my morning cuppa in a nice mug is one of my coping mechanisms to deal with stress!

So...
YABU - Get over it, they are just mugs
YANBU- it's OK to want to use a non chipped mug and keep them in the house

Seems I'm not being unreasonable so that's good to know!

To answer a few questions-

I only just got new mugs because we have had a very financially challenging few years due to moving abroad, studies and ill health. Things are now moving in a better direction and we have a bit more spare income. Previously anything extra went on doing fun things with the kids. Also we live in an expensive country where even supermarket mugs are around 8 euros each. Might not be a lot to some, but times 4 mugs it's almost the same as a trip to the cinema or a takeaway for us all so I prioritised that before.

As for the mugs not fitting in the holder, DH finishes his coffee on the way to the car and then puts them in the passenger foothold. As I mentioned in my OP, I agree this is not safe.
When I suggested he stick to the thermos mugs that's when I got the "yes dear" and sarcastic nodding. This frustrates me a lot because he's acting like I'm micromanaging him and need to get a life, but if he was being responsible I wouldn't have to mention anything! I'd really rather not have to have this completely banal conversation/situation in the first place!

But why not just finish the drink before you go?

Drinking it on the way to the car and then dumping the mug in the cad is beyond stupid.

Why give yourself the extra hassle?

If he can't be trusted to not act like an idiot he doesn't get to use the mugs at all

I think you should show him this thread so he can see how ridiculous it is to ever take an indoor cup over the threshold.

I'd be tempted to do what I've done to my nail scissors and the TV remotes, to your remaining mugs: tie a piece of string to the handle and tie the other end to something solid.

Or laminate a "no mugs beyond this point" sign to the front door, and another one in the car saying "mug free zone" but then I'm well petty.

Just buy your own special mug for your personal use,and hide it when not in use.
I know you shouldn't have to do this but !

Let him use the others with chips in and dodgy handles.

What a twat. I’d get him a couple of enamel mugs to go with his thermos. Like these https://www.amazon.co.uk/Traditional-Black-Enamel-Camping-Travelling/dp/B00LGOGXHS/ref=asc_df_B00LGOGXHS/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=500821177880&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14533204969601545055&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9046984&hvtargid=pla-1289106907562&psc=1

Id also replace my cups every time one showed up chipped. Chipped crockery is not the end of the world but shouldn’t be used.

Does he brush his teeth in the morning and then drink coffee?

I would hide the mugs, this comes firmly under 'can't change other's behaviour, only my reaction to it' for me and I would take secret pleasure in thwarting his mug stealing game by leaving only the ones I don't care about accessible to him. It would be worth the minor inconvenience of having to keep my mugs elsewhere because I would know I had 'beaten' him at his game, I often worry I'm turning into Mrs Twit

He isn’t doing this by accident. He knows it’s a little thing that’s important to you, and he’s deliberately ignoring your request as a way of showing you that your feelings don’t matter, and you aren’t important enough and don’t deserve to have anything nice that makes you happy. Same as the man who “just happens” to grab the nice new towel to use as a rag to wipe oil onto, or who “just happens” to have finished the nice chocolate you had hidden away. It’s to remind you of your place in the pecking order. Nasty, pathetic bullying.

Taking mugs into a car sounds very slobby

It's so frustrating isn't it! We also have thermos mugs, enamel mugs, and even not so special mugs that I wouldn't mind if they got chipped.

It seems my only option is to hide a mug just for me, even though it seems a bit ridiculous!

Who takes a mug in the car. Pig.

What happens if you don't hide them, but just say- these are my mugs. Please don't use them. They are just for me because they make me happy.

So let him take all the mugs and leave them there. Until you don’t have a single one left. Then just shrug your shoulders.

(Obviously hide one for yourself)

I have 2 mugs. Even kids know they are mine

I find it odd he uses real mugs in the car but each to their own, I suppose.

As a PP suggested have a mug that is yours only, the others are fair game but he doesn't touch your one. You should have a nice mug, a good cuppa can start the day off a treat.

Yes, this is the core of it for me. It feels hurtful but when I try and verbalise ( in a calm way using "I" language), how I feel then I get accused of getting at him. He is not always like this but he can be quite defensive when we have discussions.

I would say he is caring but careless- both with the mugs and how little things in behaviour and communication can build up into having a big impact. In calmer moments this is something he is working on and I appreciate that.

He gets stuck in with housework and childcare and is physically affectionate so has many good qualities, which makes the careless communication and mug gate all the more frustrating as I feel it spoils things.

Mugs in the car?? Have you tried saying do not fucking touch my nice mugs? Explain to him you are going to replace any mug that is chipped and he has so much as looked at the car while holding it, and you’ll find the money from fun budget for him. Take the kids to the cinema, don’t invite him, and that’s the cost for replacing one mug. Repeat.

Still wondering how stained his teeth are, if he drinks tea or coffee without even bothering brushing his teeth in the morning..

My OH has never even used my mugs.

It don't think the thought ever crossed his mind.

Yes it is the act of a complete twat to take a pottery mug in the car.

Throw away the chipped ones and wait till there is ONE decent mug. That is your mug now. Go full t-rex roar if your DH lays one of his stinky chipped tea-stained hands on it.

If he so much as breathes near it, divorce him.

I would buy a set of mugs which I would keep hidden away for my own and guest use. I would tell Dh that if he wanted a mug he can go and buy some and I wouldn’t have anything to do with his mugs - I wouldn’t wash them, hunt them out or replace them. If he’s going to be a barbarian, then it can be his responsibility.

Can't even make sense of this. He finishes his tea before he gets to the car so he's getting in with an empty mug. Just why? Why not drink the last mouthful in the hallway and leave the mug there before going out of the front door? The real issue is his lack of care for your nice things which are important to you. My husband isn't like this but my nearly 18 year old son is (though at least he has youthful ignorance as an excuse). He is careless and doesn't look after stuff so I have two grades of stuff - everyday stuff that I'm not precious about and nice stuff that I don't want him using randomly. For example everyday glasses and mugs vs crystal ones that were a wedding present or nice William Morris ones I got for my birthday. We even have two living rooms. A "den" for the kids to watch TV and game - they can have food and drink down there but if they want it clean and tidy they have to do it. Then a more formal living room which is always clean, tidy and aired, has nicer furniture and food and drink only if we have guests or its a birthday etc. Yet I'm always finding my nice glasses and mugs smuggled away in son's shit pit of a bedroom, often growing mould. And both kids are always trying to use the "nice" living room because they get fed up with the den smelling of old food and the sofa cushions distorted by crisp packets and Coke cans. They don't seem to see the correlation no matter how many times I "correct" them. They just think I'm mean and prissy. Sigh.

Sorry for a bit carried away there! In short, YANBU. Hide them!!!

Teach them to behave rather than designating a living space as their bear pit.