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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL’s comments about my parenting and children

30 replies

Sunshine1996 · 10/04/2023 07:38

We have stayed over at MIL’s since Friday. She moved over when DS was less than a week old, he is now nearly 1 and she’s met him 3 times so doesn’t really know him. DD she does know fairly well, she is 2 1/2.
Since we’ve been here I’ve been told:

I play with my children too much. Apparently I’ve created a rod for my back as I sit on the floor with the kids and play with bricks, read books, play dough ect. and they should just be left to play themselves. She thinks DS and DD are too dependant on me because of this.

DS only ever whines and moans. This really angers me. DS does I admit cry when we leave a room and does follow me round like my shadow. But he’s also a lovely, smiley boy who majority of the time actually isn’t ‘whiny’ she never makes an effort to play with him, only ever makes a negative comment about him.

We are too soft on DD and when she has a tantrum to completely ignore her. Example being DD asked to go in the garden, MIL said no as the grass was still wet. DD did tantrum when we said no, she was getting herself really worked up. Just a normal toddler tantrum. I was told not to speak to her and ignore her.
There are way more comments but ugh! Just really needed to rant. I am very glad to be going home today.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2023 07:40

What’s yours and DH’s response to her nit picking? I’d go home after breakfast, it sounds shit. Don’t hurry back.

Beamur · 10/04/2023 07:42

When are you going home?
I find one approach with unsolicited advice is to listen, say something like 'uh-huh' and just carry on as you were.

YellowGreenBlue · 10/04/2023 07:42

Feeling your pain OP. My MIL used to be like this (she's better now the DC are older). I think 3 nights is too long to stay - make it 1 or 2 next time!

YellowGreenBlue · 10/04/2023 07:43

Another good phrase is "thank you for your feedback" and then carry on doing exactly as you are.

Lottieoxo · 10/04/2023 07:44

She shouldn't be giving her opinion when it's not asked for, but she doesn't sound wrong in anything she's saying.

HRTeatime · 10/04/2023 07:46

I’d either just keep telling her you are happy with the way you are parenting, or just a flat “did I ask you for your opinion?” if she was really getting on my nerves. She’s pretty rude to think she can keep critiquing your parenting style, so being equally rude back might cut it off.

PotKettel · 10/04/2023 07:46

Just smile and if you feel a need to reply just mildly say, “I enjoy parenting my way but thanks for your ideas I’ll give it some thought”. There’s no single way through toddler tantrums and some kids are easier than others.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2023 07:47

Lottieoxo · 10/04/2023 07:44

She shouldn't be giving her opinion when it's not asked for, but she doesn't sound wrong in anything she's saying.

Yes she does. There’s nothing wrong with playing with babies and young children and you can’t do it too much.

ChubbyMorticia · 10/04/2023 07:49

“Unsolicited advice is criticism, MIL, and not appreciated.”

Lottieoxo · 10/04/2023 07:50

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2023 07:47

Yes she does. There’s nothing wrong with playing with babies and young children and you can’t do it too much.

Show quote history

It's not wrong people can do what they want. But never having the kids play on their own is creating a rod for your own back just like the MIL stated.

Sotired22 · 10/04/2023 07:52

I disagree with pp that she’s not wrong in what she’s saying - she’s very wrong in my opinion! It’s really hard having to stay with family when your ideas on parenting are quite different. Could you maybe stay in a rented place next time rather than her house or would that cause an argument? Limit your visits to 2 nights, try to be out and about as much as possible and I know it’s awkward because I struggle with this but you just have to find the confidence to override her. For example her telling you not to play with them, just reply “oh that’s an outdated view now, I believe it’s good for them and I like doing it” - said cheerily with a smile. When she tells you to ignore a tantrum say “that’s not how we do things” and carry on doing what you want to do. Just keep politely refuting her.

She can’t get upset about it, if she’s cheeky enough to keep commenting (negatively) on your parenting then she can take your comments back. She might take the hint quite quickly. If not then dh needs to step in and tell his mum her parenting advice isn’t needed thanks?

Goldbar · 10/04/2023 07:55

DS moans because he's a baby and babies moan sometimes as they can't speak to communicate. What's your MIL's excuse?

I would tell her that when you want parenting advice, you'll all for it, but meanwhile things will be a lot nicer for everyone if you agree to disagree and, if she has an issue, could she express it to her son not to you?

TizerorFizz · 10/04/2023 07:58

Well I guess the DC won’t be getting to know her any better! I assume that’s what you prefer.

I think you are a bit cross because some comments are possibly true! However a 1 year old is likely to be clingy. I also think they are a bit too young to play together. I think her comments are more about looking ahead.

She’s also not used to young children. I notice whining Dc now. Tolerated my own whining! My own mother used to say exactly the same as your Mil. Plus tell other people how I mismanaged Dc. I’ve been there. I’ve been furious too. I did recognise some of what DM said but we don’t like to hear it. However as you don’t appear to see mil much, what’s the issue? Just ignore her. I ignored my DM and we were all just fine. She stayed with us though. Get mil into your house. Your rules.

GG1986 · 10/04/2023 08:16

Just ignore, she isn't forcing you to parent like her. My own mother and mil sometimes give advice that I don't agree with and I just ignore it and get on with my day and parenting my children the way I want to.

Limetart · 10/04/2023 08:28

My dd went through a period of wanting my attention whenever I was on the phone.
My dm would ring and chat for ages. One day after many interruptions by dd my dm said I should lock dd in a room on her own for an hour a day to make her realise she couldn’t have me when she wanted.
My dm is an idiot though.

Teatime55 · 10/04/2023 08:41

MIL used to lecture me every visit on my child rearing. Her advice for everything was also to lock children in rooms. Tantrum, lock them in a room, annoying you, lock them in a room…
She also complained DD didn’t sleep 24 hours a day, 5 minutes after getting up in then morning she would say she needs a nap. Nope.
she also told me newborn babies were clever and manipulative.
I didn’t listen to a word she said strangely

Skybluepinky · 10/04/2023 10:23

Sounds like she has said what most people would be thinking in those situations.
I bet u can’t wait to get away from her.

Hotfootgoose · 08/05/2023 07:07

Just say thanks a lot but I’ll parent my way . End of. Don’t stay round again.

Mochinated · 08/05/2023 07:52

Sounds like she just forgot how noisy kids are and actually is just finding it stressful. Instead of doing some self reflection and realising she's just tired of it, she's blaming the kids and by extension you for not keeping the noise down.

You might get some satisfaction by asking faux-concerned questions about how she's "coping" with the kids.. and remind her how hard it must have been for her as a mother of eg. 2 under 2..

Maray1967 · 08/05/2023 07:58

If your DH is sitting there saying nothing he needs the bollocking of his life when you’re on your own.
Firstly I’d be saying as soon as you’re leaving, that that will never happen again. No more visits like that. If he has no idea what you’re on about you have a problem- with him.

mischlerischler · 08/05/2023 08:07

What is your DH's reaction?

This would annoy me too. I would not and ignore her suggestions. Keep doing what you think is the best for your kids.

I would probably not stay at her house for overnight stays anymore.

mischlerischler · 08/05/2023 08:07

**nod

TomeTome · 08/05/2023 08:24

You could return the complement and critique her parenting in return.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 08/05/2023 09:01

My DF said if I kept cuddling and kissing DS so much he'd turn out gay! Ignoring is the best policy I'd say.

pointythings · 08/05/2023 09:04

She clearly doesn't have a clue about parenting babies and toddlers, does she? Ignore her and spend less time with her.