Annual Family Arguments.

[EmpressOfTheSofa]

I’m such a mug.

I hosted Easter Sunday yesterday, my parents, two sisters, one BIL and then me, adult DD and her boyfriend and my DH.

Over dinner S1 asked DD what her plans are. She just turned 19 and is finishing college, she’s had a bumpy ride after failing her first year and then only doing six weeks of an apprenticeship. She’s about to gain a BTEC in art and works in a pub. I couldn’t be prouder.

DD said for now she will pick up full-time hours in the pub. S1 went off on a massive rant about how hospitality isn’t a career, there’s only a small window to choose a career before your life is a waste. Hospitality is for losers and thick people who can’t do anything else.

I manage a cafe and was a pub manager before that. She left school with no qualifications and worked her way up through various office jobs and now earns £££ in HR. She’s single, for context.

I pushed back and said I didn’t have a ‘career’ until my late 30s and that’s ok. She cackled and said I still don’t; and my life wouldn’t be worth anything if I didn’t have DH (he has a proper job, you see).

I tried to keep it light, laughed it off and took the dog out. But I’m still furious. And everyone just sat there! Including DH.

There is a common theme with her of mocking my job, she told me a few months ago that my qualifications aren’t real (I did a L3 apprenticeship and got distinctions across the board,) as everyone passes it and it’s easy. I was made to feel small and stupid for celebrating it. But now she’s come right out and told DD that she’d be a loser if she worked in my field as well.

I’ve woken up today with it all going round in my head. I’m angry and embarrassed. I’m off to work in a bit in my shit job that isn’t worthy of respect. I’m trying to laugh it off but it has got to me. DH says everyone just thinks she’s a mouthy idiot but I’m the only one who ever challenges her nonsense and I come out of it feeling awful.

Anyone else have a ridiculous family dynamic like this where it’s acceptable to put someone down to this extent? I think I’m done.

I rely on hospitality workers for much of the fun in my life - going out with friends, my partner etc. Without them none of that would be possible. There is also absolutely no fucking way I could do that job - I did when I was younger and it was so hard physically. My partner used to work in a pub and I’d go sometimes when he was working and see him constantly ferrying drinks up massive flights of stairs and dealing with drunk customers and just think… how are you doing this?!

Your sister is an idiot.

Id screenshot all these responses and send them to her to show just how vile her behaviour is. Sisters/ family are supposed to support and build each other up. But yes - would definitely have v little to do with her. She must be v unhappy about something to treat other family members this way x

And, while descending to her level isn't a good look, HR isn't exactly developing a cancer vaccine or making millions as an investment banker.

Before people jump on me, I know HR is a very valuable role but not so ground-breaking to be worthy of belittling someone who works in hospitality.

I know someone in one of the categories above and they wouldn't dream of speaking to people like your sister does. It smacks of insecurity on her part.

the actual meat of her jibes isn't the issue - the fact is that she was a guest in your home and insulted you and your DD.
The correct approach is to tell (not ask) her to apologise to both of you and then leave.
That is it. Don't invite her again.

And she works in HR?

Apologies to any HR workers on here, but...haha.

So please bookmark or download this thread so you never lose it and any notion that enters your head of trying to host and all have a nice bit of family time is nixxed and you remind yourself that your sister WILL ruin it because she enjoys making you feel bad.

you keep going back to this in the hope she’ll be nice.

she’s not a nice person. She’s just being herself and that’s someone who bullies and belittles you.

have a prepared response ready for if she suggests coming to yours or wonders where her invitation is

“Going by how rude and belittling you are to me every time I have you to ours, perhaps you don’t enjoy my hospitality. In any case I don’t appreciate being made to feel like crap in my own home, in front of my family and spending good money for the insults.”

it’s a bit vicious and you don’t have to actually say it, just knowing you could can give you a little power and you won’t feel so stressed

long story short, don’t invite her and make excuses to not have her.

I have a friend, who along with her husband, have two masters degrees and speak five languages. What do they do? They run a small hotel. This has allowed them to travel for three months of the year and put their child through private school. It's not even an expensive hotel - it's a two star (but lovely) in a seasonal area.
So tell your sister that hospitality is indeed an excellent CAREER. It is worth £59billion to the UK economy. (Human resources is worth about £2billion).
And pubs in particular are often the bedrock of communities.
Also have a word with your husband about sticking up for you and your daughter.

Personally, I'd have done the same. It wasn't just you she was attacking but your daughter as well. If it was just a personal attack I'd probably just have quietly seethed.
I think you need to be having another word with your not so DH about where his loyalties lie. Your SiL has effectively dissed both you and his daughter whilst he appears to have sat and said nothing.

And also a conversation with your daughter about how proud you are of her and understand if she doesn't want to socialise with SiL for a while/ever.

Don't invite your SiL again. You and your daughter don't need exposing to such a twat.

Just reread and apologies it's your sister not SiL.

Bit more understandable that your DH didn't say anything.

Bet Dad's boyfriend was a bit 😱.

But my earlier comments stand, largely.

But maybe you need to look at the sibling dynamic - golden child, jealousy, favouritism etc potentially going back donkeys years etc .

But you certainly don't have to put up with her sniping/undermining.

Like others have said she is jealous of what you have and so is trying to undermine you and big up the one thing she thinks she is more successful than you at - her career, while dissing the other things you have - DH, DD and happy home life

The best response is just to say 'I am very happy with all my choices, my job and home life and really proud of DD' then ignore.

Next time she starts tell her she's being offensive, if she carries on tell her to leave.

Sorry about this. Some just ‘try to help’ with unhelpful and caustic comments.

Perhaps a bit of jealousy? She might have £££s and a BMW but you have a daughter + husband.

My late Dad felt the need to have an annual Christmas discussion/argument with my young adult son. Even on his deathbed, 2 weeks to go Christmas.

For him he wanted to be top dog, alpha male, not wrong or critisised. My son tried to avoid these but my Dad always managed.

We tried different seating plans, subject changing but he usually managed.

Looking back I should have challenged him on this - but never did hoping that next Christmas would see a change, a mellowing.

That made me chuckle as DH literally cures cancer everyday; he writes the code that directs the beam in radiotherapy machines…he starts every day by saying ‘another day in the fight against cancer’ 🤣🤣

And he thinks my job is hugely worthwhile 🤷🏻‍♀️

@EmpressOfTheSofa I’m curious, did your parents not say anything? My parents would have jumped in and said they were proud of all 3 DD and their achievements.

I think because shes being able to focus solely on herself and her work so a very different lifestyle to OP.

The biggest bitch I ever encountered worked in HR. She was very skilled at self promotion and not much else.

Don't invite your sister to your house. Seriously, ditch her.

That made me chuckle as DH literally cures cancer everyday; he writes the code that directs the beam in radiotherapy machines…he starts every day by saying ‘another day in the fight against cancer’ 🤣🤣

Awesome!

I’m sorry. This is classic jealousy. Either call her on it or ignore it (if you don’t want WW3) but definitely don’t pay the slightest bit of attention to it.
If you want the best revenge, next time look lovingly into your DHs eyes and say “oh sis, it’s okay it must be hard. We are so lucky to have each other and both be fulfilled in our work. Having my girls is my proudest accomplishment”… then float away to refill the gravy boat.

She is laying the bait and u r biting, whilst u continue to do so the cycle will never end.

I'd never host her again but cut her off for what she said to DD.

I agree that this is jealousy from your sister. I have a SIL like this and I do now only see her about once a year which makes things easier.

That made me chuckle as DH literally cures cancer everyday; he writes the code that directs the beam in radiotherapy machines…he starts every day by saying ‘another day in the fight against cancer’

When you think of IT jobs that one doesn't come to mind! What a responsibility! Amazing

Agree she sounds jealous so decides that putting you down is easier.

I have the opposite snobbery from my DB - I can't possibly know what hard work is because I don't do a manual job and I just push paper all day!

I don't rise to it anymore and just say different horses for different courses all job roles in society are needed and all are careers!

OP, I’m guessing that you take care of family/house things so your husband can do his job? His very important job which will save lives? You contribute to that too. If you didn’t do everything you do then your DH couldn’t FIND A CURE FOR CANCER!!!!!

Sod your sister. Don’t invite her again. When you were growing up, was she jealous of you? What was the dynamic? Sounds like she’s negging you. Does she, for example, want a husband and children so she’s putting your life down?

You have some choices:

1. Stop inviting her. Tell her it's because she can't seem to stop herself being insulting whenever you host her.
2. Keep inviting her, keep trying to reason with her.
3. Fight fire with fire. Tell her something like "well yes, of course you are focusing on your career dear, since you have no partner or children to enrich the rest of your life 😉 ". I wouldn't usually say something like that unless really pushed. People who try to put others down is almost always because of insecurity in themselves. I do think one jibe back from you about how much time she has to devote to work because she is single/childless/has no friends/whatever would shock her into behaving.