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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think exH should've allowed DS and DD to share a room

57 replies

NamechangedAgainAndAgain123 · 10/04/2023 00:01

Me and ex adopted DD and DS at 8 and 4, DD turned 16 today and DS is 12. DS is also autistic.

He doesn't like sleeping alone and won't, he gets very upset but won't say why, I suspect it could be a fear of the dark but ive tried everything with different lights etc but nothing helps.

He sleeps in DD’s room on weekdays which DD is fine with as I've asked her and told her to tell me if she ever feels uncomfortable with this, he then sleeps in my bed on weekends as a treat and so DD can have friends round if she wanted to etc.

I have started getting him try to sleep in his own bed, I tried for the first time last Sunday and I had to sit with him until he fell asleep and he then got into my bed at around midnight.

He hadn't stayed overnight with ex for a while as he didn't want to be away from me, he stayed over last night which was his choice and when they got back today DD was telling me that my ex wouldn't let DS sleep in her room, he said it was inappropriate and wouldn't listen when DD said she didn't mind, he asks DD and DS to hand their phones in usually but when DS got upset and was asking for it back to message me he wouldn't give it to him. DD told him to sleep in her room when ex had gone to bed which he did.

He seems fine but AIBU to be annoyed at ex and for thinking he should've let them share?

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 10/04/2023 00:20

I don't think there is anything inappropriate about your son sleeping in your daughter's room, or with you, especially as he is nervous in a room on his own. He is still very young and will outgrow this. I was very nervous at night, even terrified, as a child and a teenager and would have been happier had I been able to sleep with somebody else in the room, even if I was on the floor! My only child used to get up and come in with us for years, for the same reason. Plenty of kids are like this and a big sister is a comfort. Presumably he has his own room to keep all his things in, etc, it's just the going to sleep which is a problem.

Your ex is over reacting to something which is actually quite common though not always admitted (for fear of reactions like your ex has displayed).

Findyourneutralspace · 10/04/2023 00:53

It’s a tricky area. I can understand XHs reservations about them sharing but if he thinks them being separate is the best option he needs to find a way of DS feeling comfortable and safe.

OnaBegonia · 10/04/2023 00:55

@JFDIYOLO
The NSPCC advises that opposite-sex children over 10 should not share the same bedroom
advise is just that, every circumstance is different.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/04/2023 00:55

16's and he still expects to confiscate her phone at night? Weirdo.

I'd support your DS to not go back there again. He obviously doesn't feel safe and taking his phone off him has probably made that worse.

Dishwasherdisaster · 10/04/2023 00:56

I think your ex was unreasonable. Fine to want to come up with another solution to the bedroom situaion, but not in this way. It needs work and time. Kids with autism are often more emotionally immature than other children of the same age and tend to suffer more from anxiety as a group. If your DS is very anxious and immature then his needs to be taken into account by his dad.

I think it would be better for your DC if another solution could be found in the near future though. Your DD needs her space in particular. It won't hapoen overnight but you do need to make a change I think. Just not the way your ex did it.

CombatBarbie · 10/04/2023 00:57

JFDIYOLO · 10/04/2023 00:44

The NSPCC advises that opposite-sex children over 10 should not share the same bedroom

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/sharing-a-bedroom/

Advises being the key word here! And relating to permanent situations with non autistic children.

Being adopted, having autism is huge for a young child to navigate. DD clearly sees her role as protector here not predator.

Namechanger2n2 · 10/04/2023 02:35

I actually agree with xdh that it isn't appropriate. dd may now be used to it, but she is not responsible for making her autistic brother feel safe at night. She is entitled to her own space. What happens when she grows up and leaves. If he sleeps with op then that's her choice as a dm but dd should be weaned off this habit imho.

EllandRd · 10/04/2023 02:47

LBFseBrom · 10/04/2023 00:20

I don't think there is anything inappropriate about your son sleeping in your daughter's room, or with you, especially as he is nervous in a room on his own. He is still very young and will outgrow this. I was very nervous at night, even terrified, as a child and a teenager and would have been happier had I been able to sleep with somebody else in the room, even if I was on the floor! My only child used to get up and come in with us for years, for the same reason. Plenty of kids are like this and a big sister is a comfort. Presumably he has his own room to keep all his things in, etc, it's just the going to sleep which is a problem.

Your ex is over reacting to something which is actually quite common though not always admitted (for fear of reactions like your ex has displayed).

He is not very young, he is 12 years old?

FangedFrisbee · 10/04/2023 02:57

Namechanger2n2 · 10/04/2023 02:35

I actually agree with xdh that it isn't appropriate. dd may now be used to it, but she is not responsible for making her autistic brother feel safe at night. She is entitled to her own space. What happens when she grows up and leaves. If he sleeps with op then that's her choice as a dm but dd should be weaned off this habit imho.

I agree, he's 12.

CJsGoldfish · 10/04/2023 03:05

Namechanger2n2 · 10/04/2023 02:35

I actually agree with xdh that it isn't appropriate. dd may now be used to it, but she is not responsible for making her autistic brother feel safe at night. She is entitled to her own space. What happens when she grows up and leaves. If he sleeps with op then that's her choice as a dm but dd should be weaned off this habit imho.

My first reaction was how lovely your DD sounds OP. Thoughtful and caring of her younger brother. It's lovely.

Then when I think about it, I do agree with the above. As much as she is happy helping her brother, it is not the role she should be burdened with. Not that it is a burden to her, I can see that it isn't. I just think that, at 16, this isn't the role she needs to be playing. It will inhibit what she wants to do and that's not fair.

stardust40 · 10/04/2023 03:08

In terms of it being appropriate.....no probs as they are brother/sister. However at 16 I agree with others that dd shouldn't have to do this every night of the week. She should have her own space and not be a cared for her brother.

momonpurpose · 10/04/2023 03:12

While it's lovely that your DD is willing to do this it is not her job to make him feel safe. It's yours. I think you need to take a hard look at this situation to see it cannot continue. You need to do whatever it takes to make him comfortable on his own

Quitelikeacatslife · 10/04/2023 03:27

Up to exh to have these boundaries at his place but if ds was upset he should have made up a bed for him in his room. It's time at 16 for your dd to have her own space now, though she sounds kind

LettingMySouthSideShow · 10/04/2023 03:34

I’m sure OP is aware the situation isn’t ideal. The time to tackle it wasn’t this time when her son hadn’t stayed with his dad for a while. I’d be annoyed too.

Your kids sound like they have a lovely, close bond. Keep working on your son sleeping separately, but I’m sure you don’t need us lot to tell you that.

I have an autistic child that didn’t sleep well for years but now does. We tried everything to be honest, nothing worked. It just stopped being an issue. I hope it’s the same for you. 💐

ArcticSkewer · 10/04/2023 03:38

It's plainly inappropriate to expect a 16 year old girl to regularly share with her 12 year old brother in order to act as an emotional support person, even if that does make your own life easier. This is not healthy or appropriate for her, not at all.

I can't say your ex approached it well, on your daughter's birthday it sounds like. The whole event must have been upsetting. But your lack of boundaries for your daughter is also not okay.

HoppingPavlova · 10/04/2023 03:49

Hard to know without knowing the dynamics of your relationship. I imagine he is actually safeguarding himself so he can’t be put in a position where you could make a complaint against him. While you may be fine with it, I can understand why he may be reluctant.

TheOriginalEmu · 10/04/2023 03:57

CJsGoldfish · 10/04/2023 03:05

My first reaction was how lovely your DD sounds OP. Thoughtful and caring of her younger brother. It's lovely.

Then when I think about it, I do agree with the above. As much as she is happy helping her brother, it is not the role she should be burdened with. Not that it is a burden to her, I can see that it isn't. I just think that, at 16, this isn't the role she needs to be playing. It will inhibit what she wants to do and that's not fair.

Show quote history

If she’s happy to do it, it’s not a burden. My sister slept in my bed with me for years.she’s autistic and she didn’t like to sleep alone. So she didn’t. I didn’t mind, there was no ‘burden. We just had a double bed.

TheOriginalEmu · 10/04/2023 04:00

EllandRd · 10/04/2023 02:47

He is not very young, he is 12 years old?

Show quote history

12 is still very young: particularly for an autistic child.
forcing him to sleep alone when dd is HAPPY to do it doesn’t help either of them, and may make it a hundred times worse. It needs to be worked on slowly, in a safe space.

WeWereInParis · 10/04/2023 04:21

I don't think your ex went about it in the right way but I don't think his opinion on the situation is wrong.

I think if your DS can't sleep alone he should be in with you, it's not fair on his sister even if she is happy with it.

Goodread1 · 10/04/2023 04:22

I think your daughter at her age of 16 yrs should have her own space,
She is entitled to at that age to want have her own space , for whatever reasons ,

This situation of allmost having to constantly look out for younger brother age 12 isn't something that should be imposed on her,

She is not your 12 Yr old sons babysitter at night time,
Your ex husband and yourself need to come up with a better solution

It's not really on her, that's she responsible to make him feel safe and happy all the time @NamechangedAgainAndAgain123

Goodread1 · 10/04/2023 04:25

It's not fair on her to expect your daughter to fulfil that role of night time baby sister,

He is 12 yrs age,
Surely you can sort something out better long term, for them come on...

NumberTheory · 10/04/2023 04:48

I agree with the posters saying your DD shouldn’t have this role put on her. Though it’s lovely that she is kind to her brother, it’s something that you and ExH should have sorted out some time ago, though I appreciate it can be really hard to balance all your family’s needs. I’m glad you’re working on trying to get DS into his own room now.

Despite that, I don’t think your DH’s actions were reasonable unless he’s talked to you about it before and you’ve been ignoring him/dragging your heels. He could have talked to you about it first and discussed it more with DS, not unilaterally insisted on the first time DS stays over in some time.

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 06:12

LBFseBrom · 10/04/2023 00:20

I don't think there is anything inappropriate about your son sleeping in your daughter's room, or with you, especially as he is nervous in a room on his own. He is still very young and will outgrow this. I was very nervous at night, even terrified, as a child and a teenager and would have been happier had I been able to sleep with somebody else in the room, even if I was on the floor! My only child used to get up and come in with us for years, for the same reason. Plenty of kids are like this and a big sister is a comfort. Presumably he has his own room to keep all his things in, etc, it's just the going to sleep which is a problem.

Your ex is over reacting to something which is actually quite common though not always admitted (for fear of reactions like your ex has displayed).

Hes not very young though is he? He's 12!

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2023 06:21

Are they biologically related or were they adopted at 8 and 4 separately?

The reason I ask is that there are hardwired processes in sibling relationships. Knowing each other in very early childhood, regardless of biology, hardwires a sibling relationship. Meeting later doesn't.

Also, a 16 yo girl should be allowed to develop her sense of self privately. Sharing with her 12 yo sibling every night as essentially a carer isn't entirely healthy. I don't think you ex is right to impose this suddenly, but you should gradually.