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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think exH should've allowed DS and DD to share a room

57 replies

NamechangedAgainAndAgain123 · 10/04/2023 00:01

Me and ex adopted DD and DS at 8 and 4, DD turned 16 today and DS is 12. DS is also autistic.

He doesn't like sleeping alone and won't, he gets very upset but won't say why, I suspect it could be a fear of the dark but ive tried everything with different lights etc but nothing helps.

He sleeps in DD’s room on weekdays which DD is fine with as I've asked her and told her to tell me if she ever feels uncomfortable with this, he then sleeps in my bed on weekends as a treat and so DD can have friends round if she wanted to etc.

I have started getting him try to sleep in his own bed, I tried for the first time last Sunday and I had to sit with him until he fell asleep and he then got into my bed at around midnight.

He hadn't stayed overnight with ex for a while as he didn't want to be away from me, he stayed over last night which was his choice and when they got back today DD was telling me that my ex wouldn't let DS sleep in her room, he said it was inappropriate and wouldn't listen when DD said she didn't mind, he asks DD and DS to hand their phones in usually but when DS got upset and was asking for it back to message me he wouldn't give it to him. DD told him to sleep in her room when ex had gone to bed which he did.

He seems fine but AIBU to be annoyed at ex and for thinking he should've let them share?

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 06:25

Have you recently split? How come your ex isn't aware of these things or is this a new rule he's introduced.
When you say your 12 year old son won't sleep alone, how far have you pushed it? I mean what efforts have you made to instil boundaries?
I know sometimes it's hard when someone has special needs to see them upset but l bet you would have upset your daughter if she had not followed the rules. He may be a bit frightened and he may scream the house down for 3 nights but surely it would work eventually. Yes he's autistic but he doesn't have a right to never be upset or challenged. Going forward, your daughter won't want to keep this up. Have you resigned yourself to never having a relationship? What's your plan?

Slight digression, but why is your ex confiscating phones from a 16 year old? My daughter would never have gone along with that. I wonder if it's actually your daughter you should be looking out for. She sounds very much like a people pleaser. Could she be avoiding conflict because she feels responsible for your son? That's a big burden.

LBFseBrom · 10/04/2023 09:34

I get what you are saying (I am an adopted child), but this is not going to last much longer. He will want privacy on reaching puberty and the op's daughter won't want her brother sleeping in her room forever. I think it is OK for now.

Dilemma19 · 10/04/2023 10:12

Op why isn't your ds sleeping with you? I wouldn't be happy to let that fall on my dd, she's 16 and needs her own space. You might think she's happy to do it, but she feels she has to and not want to upset anyone by saying so.

MoreSleepPleasee · 10/04/2023 10:34

Special needs child needing to feel safe. Where is the problem with that. What did your ex think they would do.

MoreSleepPleasee · 10/04/2023 10:35

I used to always sleep in my sisters bed though as I was scared sleeping alone. No adult ever had an issue.

UndercoverCop · 10/04/2023 10:41

It places the role of carer on a 16 year old's shoulders. I wouldn't be happy with that consistently, if it was because of a change of environment eg a holiday and she was ok with it for a few days that's different, but she's been taught to place everyone else's needs above her own day in day out, her brother's, her mother's (let him sleep with me at weekends as a treat) , adopted children in particular can fall into people pleasing she to fear of rejection or abandonment.
I don't agree with the way they're father has dealt with it, but it should never have been allowed to become the situation it is

UndercoverCop · 10/04/2023 10:42

*their

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 10/04/2023 10:48

You are not doing your son or daughter any favours by allowing this to continue. He needs to develop the ability to sleep in his own room and she needs privacy. She is not his cater and she also undermined her father.

slashlover · 10/04/2023 10:51

Is he sleeping every night on a blow up bed or does she have two beds in her room? Does your ex have a spare bed for him to be able to share the room with his sister or is your son expecting to share a bed with his sister?

Bythebeach · 10/04/2023 10:54

I definitely think your ex was wrong to force the issue and confiscate phones and I see you are taking initial measures to help support your son sleep alone. I have a 10.5 year old autist who really struggles to sleep alone and spent the first 8 years of his life either up 6 times a night lying with him/resettling him. The thing that has really helped him is allowing our Labrador to sleep with him on his bed. He still wakes and comes into our room many nights but he at least starts each night in his own bed and manages 2/3 nights a week undisputed and stays in his bed all night. Ours is just a family dog so the nights she buggers off in the middle of the night tend to be the ones he wakes but I do keep thinking about a properly trained anxiety/autism support dog!

Bythebeach · 10/04/2023 10:55

Sorry - that was a long way of wondering if a dog might help him!

Comedycook · 10/04/2023 10:57

He sleeps in DD’s room on weekdays which DD is fine with as I've asked her and told her to tell me if she ever feels uncomfortable with this, he then sleeps in my bed on weekends as a treat and so DD can have friends round if she wanted to etc

wow...yabvu to allow this in the first place. Your poor DD. You're the parent....not your DD. Shocking

SorePaw · 10/04/2023 10:59

@NamechangedAgainAndAgain123

what you're doing at your house is fine.

DD knows she can tell you if she is no longer happy with the arrangement. DS feels safe, you ALL sleep.

no problem at all. Ignore the 'INAPPROPRIATE' bollocks.

your Ex, can't think why he's an Ex?!

he's an idiot.

🙄 & clearly isn't the only only one!

DD isn't being made or forced to share her space, she wants to help her brother. she obviously understands him & his needs better than their twat of a father.

DS will become more confident as he grows up, 12 is still very young for a boy with autism. Maybe when DD decides she isn't happy with it anymore you'll need to get twin beds for his or your bedroom for a while. I know quite a few NT children who sleep with parents or siblings. If everyone is happy it's no one else's business.

perhaps they'd be better off going back to daytime only with their twatty father!!

Whippetlovely · 10/04/2023 11:07

I agree with your husband.

Whippetlovely · 10/04/2023 11:10

Sorry I meant ex ! I don’t think it’s appropriate and not fair on her she’s not his babysitter. I think you need to work on it he’s 12 sorry op I know it’s a pain but he needs to be able to sleep on his own

Goldbar · 10/04/2023 11:12

WeWereInParis · 10/04/2023 04:21

I don't think your ex went about it in the right way but I don't think his opinion on the situation is wrong.

I think if your DS can't sleep alone he should be in with you, it's not fair on his sister even if she is happy with it.

I agree with this. Could you put a single bed or mattress on the floor so your DS can come into your room if he's feeling scared or upset?

Tomkirkman · 10/04/2023 11:14

I can totally see both side here.

I do think you are being unrealistic saying she can speak up if she is uncomfortable. If she knows it will cause her brother or you great distress and problems, she may not. Even if you really believe she will.

But I do see where you are coming from.

CornishGem1975 · 10/04/2023 11:19

Namechanger2n2 · 10/04/2023 02:35

I actually agree with xdh that it isn't appropriate. dd may now be used to it, but she is not responsible for making her autistic brother feel safe at night. She is entitled to her own space. What happens when she grows up and leaves. If he sleeps with op then that's her choice as a dm but dd should be weaned off this habit imho.

Completely agree with this. It's not sustainable long-term.

And as a parent of similar age children, I would also add that I think it's really important that your 16 year old is given the privacy that a girl of that age needs. She's being treated as a carer and it's not her responsibility.

Grimbelina · 10/04/2023 11:21

This situation really shouldn't have come about. Your DS should be in with you or your ex, not your DD (however kind she is). It shouldn't be a 'treat' that he is in with you at the weekend. Your role as a parent is to either sleep with your DS or solve the problem of him sleeping on his own. However difficult it is, you are avoiding your responsibilities by burdening your daughter whether you like to think that or not.

MangoPi · 10/04/2023 11:23

Sorry OP I also think this is very unfair on your DD, regardless if she is happy to do so.

She probably feels guilty if she was to say anything now. When I was that age, if i thought I was helping my mum and my brother out, I would of just put up with it.

I don't understand why he is sleeping in your room at the weekend as a 'treat' - he should be in with you all the time if he is scared of being alone, it shouldn't fall to your daughter regardless of how happy you believe she is doing it.

MangoPi · 10/04/2023 11:24

And to add, it's nothing to do with I think it's inappropriate - I just think it's unfair.

girlfriend44 · 10/04/2023 11:24

Yabu your ex was right.
I know someone who was abused by their brother it can happen, not nice but needs to be thought about. Plus people need privacy as others have said.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 10/04/2023 11:26

He’s right, it isn’t appropriate, regardless of what your DD is saying.

How he parents on his time is his choice. How you parent on your time is your choice. He says no, you say yes.

melj1213 · 10/04/2023 11:27

I think the Ex was unreasonable to handle things the way he did by forcing the issue that night as opposed to letting it go in the moment as a one off and then having a sit down discussion at another time but in general he's not wrong to be uncomfortable with the situation.

You are putting a lot of the responsibility for the situation on your DD - yes she can tell you she doesn't want to continue but she shouldn't have to be the one to make that decision and the default should not be for your DS to be with her ... The fact you see your DS sleeping in your bed as a "treat" but with DD as the default shows that it has become a normalised process and maybe your DD doesn't realise just how much compromise she is having to make as it has become normal to her. It should be the other way round - the default should be for your DS to be in with you and "as a treat" he can go in with DD on nights she has proactively offered that as an option to him.

I have 3 siblings, as kids we all used to switch rooms/share beds/swap roommates (I have two brothers and a sister so for a time there was a "girls room" and a "boys room" but we would all variously sleep in different beds in different rooms every night) but it was by mutual consent and we could all say no to bed swaps for any reason.

I also have a friend who has fostered sibling groups for many years and she often has issues with breaking the cycle of older siblings parentification. The older kids will be so used to caring for the younger siblings in a parent role (due to their actual parents not parenting either because they can't or won't) that they don't realise that it's what they are doing as it's just their normal. When they come into my friends care and she takes on that caring role a lot of older siblings struggle as they don't want to relinquish that role but they don't realise how unhealthy the dynamic is for both them and their sibling. My friend has many different strategies to work with these kids and help them transition from being a parent back to being a sibling but she says the hardest part is getting the children to understand that parenting is not their responsibility as "they don't mind, they're just looking out for their sibling and they're used to it".

What if your DD is having a terrible period? Or feeling a bit ill (not actually sick but you know when you just don't feel right in yourself?)? Or had a shit day at school? Or needs to get some late night studying done? Or just wants to have the bed to herself? The onus shouldn't be on her to have to share these details with you so that you can take responsibility for your DS. She might not even realise that's an option and just soldiers through as she doesn't want to rock the boat by putting her own needs above her brothers, which is a textbook case of parentification.

WaltzingWaters · 10/04/2023 11:32

Your DD sounds lovely and very caring towards her brother. I do think at her age she should be able to have her own space and not have him with her most nights. But it is good you have made it clear she doesn’t have to share.
In the long term I think another solution needs to be made. But of course with an autistic child with fears it’s going to take some planning and trial and error, not just your ex forcing him into it.
also strange of him to confiscate their phones at their age. Fair enough having restrictions so they’re not glued to their phones, but he seems rather extreme.

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