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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's rude for dh to sleep so much

56 replies

Shuta8 · 09/04/2023 17:06

DH can just fall asleep in the daytime. It's awful as the kids are playing, meaning it's up to me to deal/tend to them making sure they're fed, toileted & clean etc.
He will just randomly snooze on sofa but sometimes it can be a 2 hour nap! I feel quite hurt..AIBU to feel like this?
It's almost like he doesn't want to spend Time with me and us? Or he'd much rather be elsewhere

Am I overreacting? It's not all the time but it's weekends usually when we don't have much planned and mulching about at home.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 09/04/2023 18:20

Perhaps he's genuinely tired.

Some of these posts sound really vindictive.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/04/2023 18:26

I would hate this too it’s boring and selfish. Partly because it assumes he is OK to leave the childcare to you and also because I loathe being around people who like doing nothing. It makes me want to scratch my eyes out with boredom.

cardboardbox24 · 09/04/2023 18:27

For all those people saying "of course it's ok, he's just tired", surely the issue is that the OP isn't getting the same amount of down time but is just left parenting the kids by herself? OP, if this is the case you need to be making sure you have the same amount of down time. I wonder if you started taking yourself off for equal amounts of time if his naps would miraculously stop

MissMarplesbag · 09/04/2023 18:27

Is he diabetic?

UsingChangeofName · 09/04/2023 18:28

On the information you've given, YABU.

Some people need more sleep that others. It's not rude.

It would be unreasonable if he stays up until 3am watching TV or gaming or doing something else rather than sleeping at the same time as the rest of his family, and then needs to catch up, but it that were the case I presume you would have said.

How old are the dc ?

Peppadog · 09/04/2023 18:28

My first assumption is that he either has a medical condition, or he is deliberately staying up late at night.
Does he stay up late? Sleep in a different room? Falling asleep on the sofa during the day is not normal in my opinion, I wouldn't be able to put up with it, unless there is a specific reason it's happening.

Starlightstarbright1 · 09/04/2023 18:31

Shuta8 · 09/04/2023 17:06

DH can just fall asleep in the daytime. It's awful as the kids are playing, meaning it's up to me to deal/tend to them making sure they're fed, toileted & clean etc.
He will just randomly snooze on sofa but sometimes it can be a 2 hour nap! I feel quite hurt..AIBU to feel like this?
It's almost like he doesn't want to spend Time with me and us? Or he'd much rather be elsewhere

Am I overreacting? It's not all the time but it's weekends usually when we don't have much planned and mulching about at home.

Is this a change - is he overweight , health von, working long hours?

I would be concerned

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 09/04/2023 18:36

Does he stay up late (whether gaming/ on his phone or out or choosing to check work emails when he doesn't have to, or whatever reason other than shift work)?

If he chooses not to get enough sleep then chooses to leave you to do all the childcare for young children while he naps to make up for his entirely self inflicted sleep deficit YANBU at all.

Obviously if he's ill or works nights you are!

People absolutely love to defend men in these types of threads but the fact is that a mother who fell asleep and left preschoolers unattended would be slated even if she were ill, and if she left them in their father's care there'd be posters accusing her of being lazy and telling her to go to bed earlier, not assuming that she needs to nap.

pastypirate · 09/04/2023 19:49

This was a main reason I ended a relationship.

reddwarfgeek · 09/04/2023 20:19

This sounds a lot like my house. My partner does need a lot more sleep than me, but he is also a selfish wanker who has a lie in everyday and nearly always snoozes on the sofa while I look after DD on a weekend day.

Is the reason medical, or does your DH need a lot of sleep? Does he help with everything and the kids when he isn't asleep?
YANBU though. I've little time for people who are always asleep.
Waste of life IMO.

Peppadog · 09/04/2023 20:40

Daytime napping is a proper deal breaker for me. I can't stand people who say they want a snooze after lunch. Urgh. I know lots of people do, but it's just not for me. A dh who did it whilst I was looking after the kids would be a complete no go unless he was actually ill.

BounceyB · 09/04/2023 20:48

The occasional daytime nap is fine if they've had a lot going on but every weekend is excessive. I think you should tell him.

Kaiserchief · 09/04/2023 21:40

I’m quite amazed at some of these replies! I’ve been married for 20 years and honestly I think the key to a long happy marriage is looking after each other. Can you take it in turns so you get a break too? One of our kids doesn’t sleep much (at night I mean) so we are exhausted. We make sure each other has time to ourselves at weekends.

DerekFaker · 09/04/2023 21:55

My Dad used to do this frequently when we were little. He eventually got diagnosed with aleep apnoea.

I think you need to get to the bottom of the reason for the sleeping before deciding what to do about it. Or make sure you get the same downtime each time it happens.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/04/2023 07:33

Peppadog · 09/04/2023 20:40

Daytime napping is a proper deal breaker for me. I can't stand people who say they want a snooze after lunch. Urgh. I know lots of people do, but it's just not for me. A dh who did it whilst I was looking after the kids would be a complete no go unless he was actually ill.

Me too. Awful. I would honestly leave someone who did this.

junebirthdaygirl · 10/04/2023 08:15

I love a little snooze on the couch. Still do although my dc are adults. My dh couldn't care less. When the dc were small l managed not to do it if alone but if dh was around l was off He never complained he was left alone with the dc.
I think you are either snoozer or not and it's mostly down to personality. Dh would never snooze as he is always on the go and doesn't relax enough. Saying all that 30 minutes is enough for me and sets me up for the rest of the day. About once a week. So all depends on what he does when he wakes up. Is he cranky? Can you head out for a walk or a run or go upstairs and read? Or does he take them all out to give you a break? Also l wouldn't try to keep the dc quiet or anything. Just get on with your day and call him after 30 mins.

Goldbar · 18/06/2023 12:54

Him falling asleep would be the point at which I'd encourage the kids to get out the pots, pans and wooden spoons and form a metal band.

Allmyghosts · 18/06/2023 12:58

Used to drive me insane, exdp could not sit on a sofa for 5 minutes without falling asleep. I remember a trip to his dad's where him, his dad and step mother were all snoring their heads off whilst I sat there like a fucking nunpty. Yanbu.

Chocchops72 · 18/06/2023 13:05

In a lot of cultures it’s very normal to have a siesta, after lunch. I’m quite partial to one myself these days (literally just woken up from a nap now). I live in France and remember when our kids were young, we’d go to family events / picnics and you could guarantee that by 3pm most of the French dads would be snoring away under a tree while children entertained themselves and mums watched them or had a nap too.

When my kids were young and still napping I’d just go and have a snooze with them. As they’ve got older, I just tell everyone I’m away to ‘put my feet up for an hour’ take my book and go to the bedroom. It’s lovely time - birds tweeting outside, gentle breeze, hum of traffic / conversation in the distance. My mum does the same, and my dad from time to time. DH never does, but neither do his parents - they clearly think it shows weakness / laziness to sleep during the day and it’s a major moral failing🤷‍♀️.

have you spoken to him about this? What age are your children and how much attention do they need?

PlatBilledDuckypuss · 18/06/2023 13:29

I'm the same as your DH. The difference is that if anything needs to be done DW wakes me. Why are you letting him sleep when there's work to be done is the real question?

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/06/2023 13:30

I’d be more worried than annoyed.

ChickenMacaroni · 18/06/2023 13:37

I love a nap and have one every weekend day. I consider doing nothing (or reading or napping) to be perfectly valid weekend activities. I only get about 6 hours sleep a night due to older kids who are up late at night and toddler who is up early in the morning. I am a morning person so, in return, DH is never the first one to get up. We did discuss this between us and agree it is the best way for us both to get the rest we need. Worth a chat if the balance isn't working for you.

Gerrataere · 18/06/2023 13:55

I disagree with the majority and like someone else said it was a huge dealbreaker for me in my relationship. However we have children with additional needs and I didn’t get any ‘downtime’ whilst begging him to get up after I’d had yet another night of no sleep. Every car journey (he didn’t drive) whether it was 10 or 100 miles of him snoring away. Making himself comfortable on the sofa whilst I was running around the house and kids.

As I mentioned he did snore badly, to the point we couldn’t share a room (especially on the little sleep I was already getting). I begged him to sort it, people who snore like that are certainly not healthy or getting enough actual sleep, but he didn’t.

PushmePull · 18/06/2023 14:29

investigate medical basis first. Sleepiness scale as mentioned up thread, and GP.

Gremlins101 · 28/07/2024 07:01

It's annoying for sure. My husband is the same and it drives me but he can't actually help it. He's always anaemic and he's also going to get checked for sleep apnoea.

Do you find that he wakes up a much nicer person? Mine does.